If you have read my blog from the beginning, you may have looked at the comments that several have made. Some are from people I know, most are made anonymously. If you look at chapter 8's comments, there is a lengthy one from 'Galen'. Galen spoke of how he related to my words of hopelessness, of how he felt familiar feelings in 2006. He spoke of how he was so thankful he got the help he did because his life was full of joy. That life ended last night. Galen committed suicide.
Galen was a friend of many years. We met in Colorado in 1986 when Mark and I moved there as a young married couple. We went to church with Galen and his wife and instantly became good friends. Galen was not just a friend, he was like a brother to me. We talked, we laughed, we prayed. He was a dear friend to Mark as well. He was full of wisdom and loved his Lord more than anything in the world.
Galen and I had an unusual relationship for a man and a woman that wasn't married. It wasn't weird, it was just very close. There wasn't anything dangerous about it. He was very much like a brother to me and we were remarkably alike......very much so...you see, when we love, it's deeper than most. Investments made in others are never too costly. We hunger and thirst for MORE in our relationships, especially with that of our Lord. But, unfortunately, we also hurt more deeply than most. When we feel....it's to the core of our very being, whether it is joy, pain, discouragement, compassion, or even shame. I was once told that I have the 'gift of mercy' by a counselor. The title really meant nothing to me, but it rang very true when he began to tell me what it means. He said, "when those that you love deeply are hurting, you not only hurt with them, you feel their pain." And he also told me that while that's ok, it can be dangerous because it can create in us a need to fix others' issues. And at the same time, we can't expect others to feel our pain. That's an unfair expectation. I tell you this because Galen definitely had the gift of mercy. As Mark and I went through years of infertility, Galen was by our side....feeling our pain and loving us through it. During a healing service at church, Galen annointed me with oil and prayed that I would conceive a child. Tears rolled down his face as he prayed words with such compassion. A few weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant. Her name was Molly. I have a sweet suspicion that a precious little girl with curly hair met Galen as he entered his haven of rest last week. And I know that he knew exactly who she was the moment he laid eyes upon her. What a blessing for this mother to envision that reunion.
I guess I'm not completely surprised that Galen and I also have shared this tragic path of life called depression. Although our situations bringing us to a point of desperation were obviously very different, our sense of hope at that crucial time was not.
You know, throughout my blog I have spoken of my changed view on suicide and those that either contemplate it or succeed at it. I know personally what the mind is capable of and the thoughts that randomly take over. I distinctly remember the moment that I knew it was going to happen. I vividly recall the instant that I said, "I have no other option". And from that point on, it was methodical. As I hear of Galen's last hours on this earth, I know that it became very methodical for him as well.
My heart breaks that he carried out his plan. That his pain reached a point that his mind couldn't see any other option. His family is hurting desperately, but I pray that they realize that he would never hurt them at any cost. From the moment he made up his mind, it wasn't about them....it wasn't about his new grandbaby....it wasn't even about his Lord. I pray that those that love him can forgive him. He was a gentle man. He was as tender and compassionate of a man that I've ever known. His mind shut down. No different than if his heart had given out, right? Then why does it feel so different to those left behind? Because it feels like a choice....a choice to leave them with the pain. It feels nothing short of selfish. But please understand that at that moment, there is nothing of 'self' left in the decision. To be honest with you, the mind is quite blank. It is void of emotion, it is void of any sense of judgement.
I don't know exactly what took place in my friend's mind in the last hours of his life, but I do know his heart. He had the heart of Christ.
I will miss you Galen. You have touched my life in so many ways. I will see you again, friend. That I know for certain. I pray that an unexplainable peace will find its way into the days ahead for Galen's sweet family, his precious wife, Jan, and his remarkable children. I pray that they will remember him for his life and not his death, for his joy and not his pain. He was a gentle, tender man of God that adored his family and friends. I pray they never lose sight of that.
A precious little one
My days in the nuthouse were without a doubt some of the loneliest days of my entire life. A lonely place for any adult....but a child? A dear friend called me last night and asked me to pray for her best friend's little girl. An 11 year-old precious girl, the daughter of a christian woman that's living out a nightmare that loving mothers don't deserve to have. Most eleven year-olds are wondering when they'll 'get their period'. They are spending Friday nights with their best girlfriends, watching movies, eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate. They make prank phone calls to all the boys in their class. They stay up all night telling scary stories and playing 'truth or dare'. That's what eleven year-olds do, right? This precious one is walking the halls of a psych unit, wondering why her mommy had to leave her alone. She watches the others closely. Why do some of the kids sleep so much? Why doesn't anyone look happy? She wonders what she did wrong to end up here. She tried to be good. She just wants to feel 'normal'. She longs to have a still mind. An eleven year-old girl should be thinking about which cute pair of boots to wear with her leggings, not if that pill they give her will make her head feel funny again or if she'll get to go home tomorrow....or will it be the next....or will she ever get to go home again? So many unknowns. Too many unknowns for a child.
But there is one certainty in this heartbreaking situation. Our Lord Jesus Christ adores this little girl. She's not alone in this place. She may roam the halls, but she's not walking the halls alone. When she lays her head down on the cheap squishy pillow, He's there....He's right there wiping her tears and whispering so softly in her ear....I'm here, baby. I'm right here. I'm not leaving you. I know this place is scary, but you are not alone. Don't cry. I'm here. And in that instant, her mind is at peace. And she sleeps.
Please help me pray for my little friend. Pray that they will quickly discover the reason for the struggle in her mind. Pray for her family as they have to let go of their precious girl. They spend one hour a day looking into her eyes as she tries to make sense of the nonsense. They have to trust like they've never had to trust before....not ever. I mean, this is their precious child. They would trade places with her in a second, if only they could. But they can't. So they hold on desperately to what they believe in. And they wait.
But there is one certainty in this heartbreaking situation. Our Lord Jesus Christ adores this little girl. She's not alone in this place. She may roam the halls, but she's not walking the halls alone. When she lays her head down on the cheap squishy pillow, He's there....He's right there wiping her tears and whispering so softly in her ear....I'm here, baby. I'm right here. I'm not leaving you. I know this place is scary, but you are not alone. Don't cry. I'm here. And in that instant, her mind is at peace. And she sleeps.
Please help me pray for my little friend. Pray that they will quickly discover the reason for the struggle in her mind. Pray for her family as they have to let go of their precious girl. They spend one hour a day looking into her eyes as she tries to make sense of the nonsense. They have to trust like they've never had to trust before....not ever. I mean, this is their precious child. They would trade places with her in a second, if only they could. But they can't. So they hold on desperately to what they believe in. And they wait.
Enough already.... or is it?
The past few days have been extra trying for me. I can't put my finger on the reason behind it, but I have lived and relived the past year and the struggles that my spirit has faced.....and to be quite honest, I'm frustrated that there is shame and regret that still haunts me. No one around me knows that I feel it. I'm certain that it doesn't show on my face. And I don't allow it to consume me or define who I am. But, it's there. It's always there. It's a consequence. I get that, I really do. But, I want to accept the consequences and move on. Don't read any self-pity into this, because it's not there I assure you. I want to continue to grow through this....even the 'set backs' that I feel on occasion. I share them with you in hopes that if you relate to this journey that you will be encouraged that you don't walk alone. But.........let's not belabor our time on this path either, ok? Let's get the heck outta here....and move on. :)
I have been reflecting on just how different my relationships with others are now. I reflect on just how different I am. I'm a little confused by it. Some of the things I had such a passion for seem to now skim the surface. At times I feel a little guilty about the 'passionlessness' I feel. Don't get me wrong. I am very passionate about my God......my family.......and even about my teaching. But things like being involved in church groups and even in people's lives just leave me a little numb. The once social butterfly seldom gets in touch with others. I don't share my innermost thoughts with anyone except Mark and I would rather spend every spare moment with Mark and the kids than over a cup of java with a buddy. Don't get me wrong...I'm glad for that change in me. I needed to spend more time with my family. The once 'hostess with the mostess' hasn't had dinner guests in over a year. Not sure how to sum that up. Sometimes I worry about that new side of me. I don't want to become a recluse. I want to have the freedom and the motivation to pour myself into others.
Perhaps you are struggling today with the new and not so improved you. I would encourage you to allow yourself the freedom and grace to struggle, just don't get stuck there. My God is not done with us yet, my friend. That's exciting to me. My God has given me a joyful heart. I want Him to use that heart to touch others...to love others....and to truly make a difference for the Kingdom of Heaven. Ya with me?
I have been reflecting on just how different my relationships with others are now. I reflect on just how different I am. I'm a little confused by it. Some of the things I had such a passion for seem to now skim the surface. At times I feel a little guilty about the 'passionlessness' I feel. Don't get me wrong. I am very passionate about my God......my family.......and even about my teaching. But things like being involved in church groups and even in people's lives just leave me a little numb. The once social butterfly seldom gets in touch with others. I don't share my innermost thoughts with anyone except Mark and I would rather spend every spare moment with Mark and the kids than over a cup of java with a buddy. Don't get me wrong...I'm glad for that change in me. I needed to spend more time with my family. The once 'hostess with the mostess' hasn't had dinner guests in over a year. Not sure how to sum that up. Sometimes I worry about that new side of me. I don't want to become a recluse. I want to have the freedom and the motivation to pour myself into others.
Perhaps you are struggling today with the new and not so improved you. I would encourage you to allow yourself the freedom and grace to struggle, just don't get stuck there. My God is not done with us yet, my friend. That's exciting to me. My God has given me a joyful heart. I want Him to use that heart to touch others...to love others....and to truly make a difference for the Kingdom of Heaven. Ya with me?
Dear T....
My precious friend,
The past few days have been somewhat confusing to you I know. You have sat in a hospital bed while they ran test after test on you. Your family and friends sat at your side every hour on the hour, talking to you, watching you sleep, wondering what was happening in your precious mind. Others were outside your room, some crying, others laughing as they spoke of you and those crazy things you always do that make us smile. Today as you rested in that hospital bed they spoke of what tomorrow would hold, of where they would take you. You are in that place right now as I write. You are in a psych ward. Yep, T, the 'nuthouse' as I've called it throughout my blog.
I wonder if you're alone. I wonder if you're crying, if you're scared. Perhaps your mind is so very absent... that it is void of fear.... that it doesn't hold on to the realization of what's taking place. That would actually be a blessing in the unfamiliar surroundings that are yours for the moment. Oh my friend, I want you to know that you will get through this. I want you to see the hope in my eyes. You don't have to be the strong one right now, T....let us place you on our back and carry you through this nightmare that you are experiencing. I promise that it will end. You will get through it and you will be a changed woman from it. But for now....for the moment, I pray that the same Savior that held my hand as I sat in a room with nothing but my thoughts....I pray that our Lord will hold you tightly tonight as you attempt to sleep in an unfamiliar room with unfamiliar noises. And I pray that my precious Father will cradle you in the morning as you awaken to find that you are not dreaming, you are in a place that you would never in a million years dream you'd be. I pray that He will quieten your restless spirit, that He will calm your anxious thoughts as you try to make sense of what's taken place the past several days. I pray at this moment and I will not cease praying for you, sweet friend. You will get through this....but for now, allow them to help you get better. Know that your precious family will be ok. They adore you. You are loved my friend. Know that you are not alone and that many are waiting for you at the finish line. If it's ok though, I'd rather run beside you.
We have shared so much over the 35 years that we've loved each other, but I gotta tell ya, T, this is one common ground I wish we didn't share. But that's ok, because we also share a Savior that adores us. I lay you in His arms for this moment....and then for the next.
You are His. As your friend, that's all I need to know.
I love you, T.
The past few days have been somewhat confusing to you I know. You have sat in a hospital bed while they ran test after test on you. Your family and friends sat at your side every hour on the hour, talking to you, watching you sleep, wondering what was happening in your precious mind. Others were outside your room, some crying, others laughing as they spoke of you and those crazy things you always do that make us smile. Today as you rested in that hospital bed they spoke of what tomorrow would hold, of where they would take you. You are in that place right now as I write. You are in a psych ward. Yep, T, the 'nuthouse' as I've called it throughout my blog.
I wonder if you're alone. I wonder if you're crying, if you're scared. Perhaps your mind is so very absent... that it is void of fear.... that it doesn't hold on to the realization of what's taking place. That would actually be a blessing in the unfamiliar surroundings that are yours for the moment. Oh my friend, I want you to know that you will get through this. I want you to see the hope in my eyes. You don't have to be the strong one right now, T....let us place you on our back and carry you through this nightmare that you are experiencing. I promise that it will end. You will get through it and you will be a changed woman from it. But for now....for the moment, I pray that the same Savior that held my hand as I sat in a room with nothing but my thoughts....I pray that our Lord will hold you tightly tonight as you attempt to sleep in an unfamiliar room with unfamiliar noises. And I pray that my precious Father will cradle you in the morning as you awaken to find that you are not dreaming, you are in a place that you would never in a million years dream you'd be. I pray that He will quieten your restless spirit, that He will calm your anxious thoughts as you try to make sense of what's taken place the past several days. I pray at this moment and I will not cease praying for you, sweet friend. You will get through this....but for now, allow them to help you get better. Know that your precious family will be ok. They adore you. You are loved my friend. Know that you are not alone and that many are waiting for you at the finish line. If it's ok though, I'd rather run beside you.
We have shared so much over the 35 years that we've loved each other, but I gotta tell ya, T, this is one common ground I wish we didn't share. But that's ok, because we also share a Savior that adores us. I lay you in His arms for this moment....and then for the next.
You are His. As your friend, that's all I need to know.
I love you, T.
My heart is breaking...
A sweet dear friend called me the night before last and said, "Kim, I understand what you went through last year." As we continued to talk, I knew something wasn't quite right. Wait a minute....this is TS, she's as solid as they come. She's everyone's rock. I've known her since high school. We've shared more laughter than what should be allowed in life. She walked with me through my healing this past year.....she didn't just walk with me, she held my hand, she placed her arm around my shoulders, and she looked me in the eyes and said, 'you can do this, Kim'. We've spent many hours together the past several months celebrating our 50th....over and over again! We ventured to Mexico together. We have talked for hours on end, just like we did when we were crazy high school girls. She's my buddy. Two days later, it appears that my buddy has lost her mind. Sweet Jesus....I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, much less my sweet T. She knows that she's not right. But her conversation goes from here to there...from high to low....from this point to that one. And she knows. She knows she's not right.
I watch her husband as he cries. I remember the puffy, red eyes that Mark wore for days as he watched his wife slip away. He has to wonder what the days ahead hold. Will he get his wife back?
I'm full of frustration. Last night at the hospital, I listened to doctors discount 'hormonal issues' that women suffer with. And although her estrogen levels came back extremely low, they refuse to simply place a patch on her. They refuse to believe that indeed hormones may play that much havoc on a woman's brain. The arrogance of that decision is nothing short of pitiful. How dare they? I try to imagine what my last year would have held if they did not respond to the hormonal imbalance that was happening to my confused brain. Would I be dead? Would I be frantically trying psychotic med after psychotic med in an attempt to find some relief? Would I be shuffled from nuthouse to nuthouse due to concerns of my family?
My friend's situation may or may not be hormonal. I'm not certain that it is. But, I'm not willing to sit by and watch her suffer without ever knowing if a simple patch of estrogen would have made the difference. I will fight for her. I don't know what that looks like right now because I want to respect her husband and her sweet family. So I wait and I pray. I seek guidance from my Savior. The same Savior that bent down from heaven and scooped me up in His arms one year ago. That Savior adores my sweet T. He will take care of her. So I listen...closely.
I watch her husband as he cries. I remember the puffy, red eyes that Mark wore for days as he watched his wife slip away. He has to wonder what the days ahead hold. Will he get his wife back?
I'm full of frustration. Last night at the hospital, I listened to doctors discount 'hormonal issues' that women suffer with. And although her estrogen levels came back extremely low, they refuse to simply place a patch on her. They refuse to believe that indeed hormones may play that much havoc on a woman's brain. The arrogance of that decision is nothing short of pitiful. How dare they? I try to imagine what my last year would have held if they did not respond to the hormonal imbalance that was happening to my confused brain. Would I be dead? Would I be frantically trying psychotic med after psychotic med in an attempt to find some relief? Would I be shuffled from nuthouse to nuthouse due to concerns of my family?
My friend's situation may or may not be hormonal. I'm not certain that it is. But, I'm not willing to sit by and watch her suffer without ever knowing if a simple patch of estrogen would have made the difference. I will fight for her. I don't know what that looks like right now because I want to respect her husband and her sweet family. So I wait and I pray. I seek guidance from my Savior. The same Savior that bent down from heaven and scooped me up in His arms one year ago. That Savior adores my sweet T. He will take care of her. So I listen...closely.
An anniversary to........celebrate?
I have dreaded this day to come. But why? One year ago today, I was given not only another chance at LIFE, but I was placed on a new path of that life. A path that has taken me on a journey, one that my Lord designed just for me. Really though? The road has left my flesh torn and opened. I have found myself gasping for air, at times wondering where the next breath will come from. And weak? Never have I been weaker, long ago reaching the end of my own strength. A year ago as I started on this path, I looked at what was before me and all I could see were hills, big hills. And with hills, there are always valleys surrounding them. Looks pretty rocky, pretty rough. Not sure I can do this....no, quite certain I can't do this. Exactly.
One year later. Do I feel victorious? Nope. But am I victorious? You betcha. You see, this has not been a victory of honor. No medals, no parties, no speeches. I'm pretty sure you're not going to find my name written in any history books. Not hardly. In fact, the battle still rages. It's not even over yet! Interestingly enough though, I find myself comfortable in this bulky armor. Believe me, it's not flattering....it's awkward....and at times, it clangs around and makes others uncomfortable. But for now, I choose to leave it on. I choose to fight....for myself, for my family, for others that are hurting. Come to find out, there's a lot that are hurting.
Been a tough week. Had a family member placed in a detox program for drug addiction, learned of painful truths about one of my children, and grieved the loss of a student that was killed in a car accident. All devastating. But....on this anniversary, I tell you that He's got this.....He's got that....there's not one pain, there's not one battle, there's not one desperate moment that He doesn't have. It's sitting in the palm of His hand. He's not letting it go. He's got it.
One year ago today, I looked at tomorrow and couldn't face it. Today, I live for what this very day holds only... I don't even know if I have tomorrow. Today is rich. I choose to live today. And I choose to celebrate.
One year later. Do I feel victorious? Nope. But am I victorious? You betcha. You see, this has not been a victory of honor. No medals, no parties, no speeches. I'm pretty sure you're not going to find my name written in any history books. Not hardly. In fact, the battle still rages. It's not even over yet! Interestingly enough though, I find myself comfortable in this bulky armor. Believe me, it's not flattering....it's awkward....and at times, it clangs around and makes others uncomfortable. But for now, I choose to leave it on. I choose to fight....for myself, for my family, for others that are hurting. Come to find out, there's a lot that are hurting.
Been a tough week. Had a family member placed in a detox program for drug addiction, learned of painful truths about one of my children, and grieved the loss of a student that was killed in a car accident. All devastating. But....on this anniversary, I tell you that He's got this.....He's got that....there's not one pain, there's not one battle, there's not one desperate moment that He doesn't have. It's sitting in the palm of His hand. He's not letting it go. He's got it.
One year ago today, I looked at tomorrow and couldn't face it. Today, I live for what this very day holds only... I don't even know if I have tomorrow. Today is rich. I choose to live today. And I choose to celebrate.
A Woman With A Past: My Hero
Sunday, our pastor spoke of Rahab.......a woman with a past.....with a label. OK, to say that I related would be an understatement. She was a prostitute of the lowest kind. So don't get me wrong, that's not the part I relate to :) But no matter how much I heal, I know that when some look at me, they see a crazy woman, or maybe the word insecure comes to their mind, or perhaps weak and needy ... a woman that cannot be trusted. As much as that hurts, I kinda get it. I mean, for cryin' out loud, I went crazy. I lost my mind. I set out to harm myself in a big way. I think of Rahab and I'm certain she so wanted the label 'harlot' to go away after she gave up the lifestyle. The pain her heart must have felt when men were pulled away from her presence by their wives because she couldn't be trusted. Word had gotten out that this harlot had changed her ways.....so why? Why did others feel the need to protect their loved ones from her? She was different. She was transformed. God had chosen to save her very life.....why can't she live that life without having to be constantly reminded of her past? Of her failures? Of her shortcomings? Why couldn't everyone rejoice in her victory? Did it anger her? Did it make her want to yell out, "but I'm different now!" "I'm forgiven!" "I'm healed!". Ya know how I think she probably responded? I see her force an embarrassed grin and although it hurts deeply, she can't help but understand their response to her. They saw her first hand, they heard about the acts that she performed with numerous men. They were disgusted. Even though it hurt, in the depth of her spirit, she understood. I can see tears filling her eyes and she turns so that others won't see her pain. Truth is, I don't know how she responded, but all I know is that IN SPITE of her label that followed her, the Lord still chose to use her. God believed in her, in a big way. He didn't let her tainted reputation keep Him from choosing her to be Jesus' great great (many times) grandmother. It wasn't by accident. He chose her! It all started at Jericho where He hand picked her to, well, just help bring the entire city down. That was just the beginning of an unbelievable story of the life of a woman that went from one of little dignity and respect to one that any woman of Christ would cherish to call their own. Many years after her death, she was known in the new testament as one of the greatest women of faith! But she was also still know as a prostitute. That speaks to me.
I don't want my insecurities of the past to define who I am. I don't want my unusual, crazy behavior to place a label on my forehead ("Nut"....well, that's been there as long as I can remember). But the fact is, that was a very real part of my life. There are many days when all I can see are the labels that scream who I once was and quite frankly, who I still am in some eyes. I think about Rahab and imagine her wishing her past away. I envision her kissing her new husband, Salmon and replaying the vivid memories of moments spent with lustful men, using her in ways beyond my imagination. "If only"....I'm certain went through her mind more than once. But the Lord knew her path would take a different turn. He knew her heart. He knew she was a woman that was very 'pliable' in her weakened state. He was willing to take a chance on a woman that wasn't looked up to. In fact, He saw the look of disrespect they gave her. He heard the whispers of others, speaking of her failures. Yet, He chose her. He trusted her with the outcome. Because she was deserving? Uh...no. But, she was willing.
I'm not gonna lie. Most days I cherish the thought of losing the labels that I've 'earned'. But ya know what? My Lord doesn't recognize those labels, cause He's given me His own labels.....'My Child"...."Redeemed".... "Forgiven" are just a few. The other labels pale in comparison, don't you think? And my past? Yep, I've got one. But even better....I've got a future. Yes indeedy, I've got a future.
A Day of Celebration!
Today I celebrate my 50th birthday! Wow....1/2 a century. I am flooded with a mixture of emotions. I think about the day one year ago and I remember being consumed with anxiety. I was so troubled. I don't want to dwell on it, however, because although I was a completely different person one year ago, I know that His hand was on me, just the same. My journal entry from 9/1/09 says:
Do within me whatever You need to Father to make me a holy vessel before You. Be God. Be my salvation. Be my rock. My only hope is in You and in You I place my trust. I feel Your sweet rest. I am in the midst of constant anxiety, yet in You do I trust. My chest is heavy, my mind unfocused, my emotions unsteady- but You are my rock, You alone can save me- You give me peace in the midst of my storm! Thank you, Father. Hold me close.
My prayer remains the same, Father. Do whatever You need to do in me to make me a holy vessel. I want to be used by You. Whatever that looks like.
It's hard to explain just what I feel these days. On occasion, I continue to struggle with shame. To tell you the truth, I'm so tired of playing and replaying the past two years. But at the same time, it keeps me humble. Mmmm....so humble. I have to smile as I look in the mirror and see the woman that was once so 'strong'...a woman that was so full of energy, full of life....full of herself. I didn't realize it. The last thing I wanted to be was prideful. I wanted to be a woman of Christ that He could use to encourage others, to pray for others, to be His hands and feet. But interestingly enough, the more I prayed for Christ to rid Kim Bryan of Kim Bryan, the more He did just that. There was a lot to get rid of, come to find out. And something tells me He's not done yet :) As the months went by, I became weaker and weaker. I'm certain I looked pathetic to onlookers. I became scared and insecure. I became a woman that was no longer a joy to be around. Well, you know the rest of the story if you've read. My point? My point is that I am weak. I no longer cringe when I say that. I am weak. There is no pride in my walk with my Savior. When I look in the mirror, I do smile, but I smile because I see a 50 year old woman that reflects something different in her eyes. It's not pride. It's not confidence. It's not strength. It's certainly not wisdom. It's joy. Not in her circumstances, not in her accomplishments, not in the relationships she possesses....it's joy in knowing my Lord in a different way. I've never known intimacy like this. And it leaves me wanting more. I mean, literally, I can't get enough! Morning after morning, I sit at His feet and I don't want to leave. He truly is my everything. So I celebrate today. For different reasons that I've celebrated this day in the past. And I look in the mirror.....and I smile.
Immersed in the Word
There are many scriptures that I have clung to over the past two years. I love to put dates next to scripture with notations. I will share the scripture as well as the notations/dates. I hope they speak to you like they have me. There were many times that they literally breathed life into me.
Psalm 25:16
"Turn Yourself to me and have mercy on me, for I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have enlarged. Bring me out of my distresses!" 6/1/09
Isaiah 60:1,2
"Arise, shine; for your light has come! And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and deep darkness the people; but the Lord will arise over you and His glory will be seen upon you." 10/08 Show your glory through my life!
3/09 Come upon our family...may our lives never be the
same!
Isaiah 60: 19,20
"The sun shall no longer be your light by day, nor for brightness shall the moon give light to you, but the Lord will be to you an everlasting light, and your God your glory. Your sun shall no longer go down, nor shall your moon withdraw itself; for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and the days of your mourning shall be ended." 6/10 No more shame!
Isaiah 66:12
"Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river." 2/28/10 I long for peace.
Malachi 3:10,11
"And try Me now in this, says the Lord, if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it." 6/10 Healing
vs. 11 "And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, so that he will not destroy the fruit of your ground, nor shall the vine fail to bear fruit for you in the field." 4/09, 4/10
Philippians 4:5
"Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand." 5/10 I want to bring You honor
Job 22: 21,22
"Now acquaint yourself with Him and be at peace; thereby good will come to you. Receive instruction from His mouth, and lay up His words in your heart." 11/10 I long to hear from you
Father
Psalm 27:13,14
"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord. 12/09 Good days are ahead
Psalm 31:9,10
"Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in trouble; my eye wastes away with grief, Yes, my soul and my body. My strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away." vs.14 "But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say 'You are my God! My times are in your hand'."
10/08 I don't know what the future holds, but....my times are in your hand!
Psalm 119:133
"Direct my steps by Your word, and let no iniquity have dominion over me." 6/10
Psalm 138:8
"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me, Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands." 4/23/10 Complete Your will in me, whatever it looks like.
Psalm 145:17-19
"The Lord is righteous in all His ways, gracious in all His works. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth, He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him, He will also hear their cry and save them." 3/4/09 I need You.
2 Samuel 22:2-7
"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; the God of my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge; my Savior, You save me from violence, I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies; when the waves of death surround me, the snares of death confronted me, in my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, and my cry entered His ears." 3/22/09 I don't know what's happening, but I trust You.
Joshua 3:5
"Sanctify yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you." 1/26/10
Romans 9:17
"For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My name may be declared in all the earth." 2/19/10 given to me by Deb Rains
Jeremiah 29:11,12
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me."
Habakkuk 1:5
"Be utterly astounded! For I will work a work in your days which you would not believe, though it were told to you." 5/25/10 Hope for the Hormonal Blog
Isaiah 32:16-19
"Then justice will dwell in the wilderness and righteousness remain in the fruitful field. The work of righteousness will be peace, the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever. My people will dwell in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places, though hail comes down on the forest, and the city is brought low in humiliation." 5/10/09
Isaiah 41:9,10
"You are my servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away. Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 3/18/09 chosen for what??? Please be with me, Father.
Isaiah 40:28-31
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary, His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 43:2,3
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned. Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." 3/15/09 He is preparing me for the future. 5/18/10
Isaiah 43:18,19
"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." 3/09 4/09 the future holds new things
Psalm 25:20,21
"Keep my soul and deliver me; Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You. Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for You." 3/18/09 I do put my trust in You. I will wait for You.
Psalm 27:7-10
"Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice! Have mercy upon me, and answer me. When you said, seek my face, my heart said to You, 'Your face, Lord, will I seek'. Do not turn Your servant away in anger, You have been my help; do not leave me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me."
From My Utmost for His Highest:
"Has God trusted you with His silence...a silence that has great meaning? Can God trust you with it or are you still asking Him for a visible answer? God will give you the very blessing you ask if you refuse to go any further without the, but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderul understanding of Himself. Allow Him to give you the first sign of His intimacy....silence."
"Are you alone at your 'Jordan River'? The Jordan River represents the type of separation where you have no fellowship with anyone else. You have been to the Jordan over and over with your Elijah, but now you are facing it alone. There is no use in saying that you cannot go, the experience is here, and you must go. If you truly want to know wheher or not God is the God your faith believes Him to be, then go through your 'Jordan' alone."
"At your 'Bethel', you will find yourself at your wits' end but at the beginning of God's wisdom. When you come to your wits' end and you feel inclined to panic-don't! Stand true to God and He will bring out His truth in a way that will make your life an expression of worship."
"Are you prepared to let God take you into total oneness with Himself, paying no more attention to what you call the great things of life? Once you totally surrender, you will no longer think about what God is going to do. Abandonment to Him means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking questions. If you totally surrender yourself to God, He says, "I will give your life to you as a prize". 5/10 Father, I want to live in such surrender to You that everyday becomes a "prize"...that I may live in Your delight, that my joy be restored-not because others' faith in me is restored, but because of who I am in You and You alone!
From "Finding Favor with the King"
"Will you dangle your toes over the edge of God's promises and leap out into the unknown, casting your fate upon the faithfulness of God?"
"Just remember that the more important your future, the greater your opponent! Do you suddenly feel as if you are facing giant enemies? Hold on! Your destiny is about to be revealed. If it had not been for an enemy called 'Goliath', David would always have been just a shepherd."
"When destiny pushes you to the edge of desperation and the limits of your abilities, cast your future into the hands of God and take a leap of faith!"
Psalm 25:16
"Turn Yourself to me and have mercy on me, for I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have enlarged. Bring me out of my distresses!" 6/1/09
Isaiah 60:1,2
"Arise, shine; for your light has come! And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and deep darkness the people; but the Lord will arise over you and His glory will be seen upon you." 10/08 Show your glory through my life!
3/09 Come upon our family...may our lives never be the
same!
Isaiah 60: 19,20
"The sun shall no longer be your light by day, nor for brightness shall the moon give light to you, but the Lord will be to you an everlasting light, and your God your glory. Your sun shall no longer go down, nor shall your moon withdraw itself; for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and the days of your mourning shall be ended." 6/10 No more shame!
Isaiah 66:12
"Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river." 2/28/10 I long for peace.
Malachi 3:10,11
"And try Me now in this, says the Lord, if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it." 6/10 Healing
vs. 11 "And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, so that he will not destroy the fruit of your ground, nor shall the vine fail to bear fruit for you in the field." 4/09, 4/10
Philippians 4:5
"Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand." 5/10 I want to bring You honor
Job 22: 21,22
"Now acquaint yourself with Him and be at peace; thereby good will come to you. Receive instruction from His mouth, and lay up His words in your heart." 11/10 I long to hear from you
Father
Psalm 27:13,14
"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord. 12/09 Good days are ahead
Psalm 31:9,10
"Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in trouble; my eye wastes away with grief, Yes, my soul and my body. My strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away." vs.14 "But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say 'You are my God! My times are in your hand'."
10/08 I don't know what the future holds, but....my times are in your hand!
Psalm 119:133
"Direct my steps by Your word, and let no iniquity have dominion over me." 6/10
Psalm 138:8
"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me, Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands." 4/23/10 Complete Your will in me, whatever it looks like.
Psalm 145:17-19
"The Lord is righteous in all His ways, gracious in all His works. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth, He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him, He will also hear their cry and save them." 3/4/09 I need You.
2 Samuel 22:2-7
"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; the God of my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge; my Savior, You save me from violence, I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies; when the waves of death surround me, the snares of death confronted me, in my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, and my cry entered His ears." 3/22/09 I don't know what's happening, but I trust You.
Joshua 3:5
"Sanctify yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you." 1/26/10
Romans 9:17
"For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My name may be declared in all the earth." 2/19/10 given to me by Deb Rains
Jeremiah 29:11,12
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me."
Habakkuk 1:5
"Be utterly astounded! For I will work a work in your days which you would not believe, though it were told to you." 5/25/10 Hope for the Hormonal Blog
Isaiah 32:16-19
"Then justice will dwell in the wilderness and righteousness remain in the fruitful field. The work of righteousness will be peace, the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever. My people will dwell in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places, though hail comes down on the forest, and the city is brought low in humiliation." 5/10/09
Isaiah 41:9,10
"You are my servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away. Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 3/18/09 chosen for what??? Please be with me, Father.
Isaiah 40:28-31
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary, His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 43:2,3
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned. Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." 3/15/09 He is preparing me for the future. 5/18/10
Isaiah 43:18,19
"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." 3/09 4/09 the future holds new things
Psalm 25:20,21
"Keep my soul and deliver me; Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You. Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for You." 3/18/09 I do put my trust in You. I will wait for You.
Psalm 27:7-10
"Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice! Have mercy upon me, and answer me. When you said, seek my face, my heart said to You, 'Your face, Lord, will I seek'. Do not turn Your servant away in anger, You have been my help; do not leave me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me."
From My Utmost for His Highest:
"Has God trusted you with His silence...a silence that has great meaning? Can God trust you with it or are you still asking Him for a visible answer? God will give you the very blessing you ask if you refuse to go any further without the, but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderul understanding of Himself. Allow Him to give you the first sign of His intimacy....silence."
"Are you alone at your 'Jordan River'? The Jordan River represents the type of separation where you have no fellowship with anyone else. You have been to the Jordan over and over with your Elijah, but now you are facing it alone. There is no use in saying that you cannot go, the experience is here, and you must go. If you truly want to know wheher or not God is the God your faith believes Him to be, then go through your 'Jordan' alone."
"At your 'Bethel', you will find yourself at your wits' end but at the beginning of God's wisdom. When you come to your wits' end and you feel inclined to panic-don't! Stand true to God and He will bring out His truth in a way that will make your life an expression of worship."
"Are you prepared to let God take you into total oneness with Himself, paying no more attention to what you call the great things of life? Once you totally surrender, you will no longer think about what God is going to do. Abandonment to Him means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking questions. If you totally surrender yourself to God, He says, "I will give your life to you as a prize". 5/10 Father, I want to live in such surrender to You that everyday becomes a "prize"...that I may live in Your delight, that my joy be restored-not because others' faith in me is restored, but because of who I am in You and You alone!
From "Finding Favor with the King"
"Will you dangle your toes over the edge of God's promises and leap out into the unknown, casting your fate upon the faithfulness of God?"
"Just remember that the more important your future, the greater your opponent! Do you suddenly feel as if you are facing giant enemies? Hold on! Your destiny is about to be revealed. If it had not been for an enemy called 'Goliath', David would always have been just a shepherd."
"When destiny pushes you to the edge of desperation and the limits of your abilities, cast your future into the hands of God and take a leap of faith!"
Chapter 31: the story ends, but the healing continues
I mentioned earlier that I'm not "all better" and truth is, I probably never will be. But you know what? That's ok. This woman that once controlled her circumstances and in a 'humble' way :) thought she was invincible, is indeed changed. I will never be the same. You have heard me refer frequently to this as a battle. If you have experienced emotional struggles or if you are in the midst of it, you relate to that word. You can certainly come out a victor, but it doesn't mean you won't have wounds....deep wounds, life-changing wounds. Those wounds usually leave evidence of the raging effects of what you experienced. Don't be ashamed of your scars. You will try to hide them and that's understandable, but at some point another will see your scars, and it will give her the courage to unveil her own wounds. Some may still be fresh.....opened.....even bleeding, but it won't cause you to look away in disgust. You will connect with her in a different way. You tell her of your own battle, as I have mine....the ugliness of it, the repeated times I was knocked down, sometimes not certain I would ever get up, the chaos of it all, the fear that gripped me and I knew I was done, only to feel someone lift my weak body and carry me. Wow, someone is actually carrying me! Don't they know they're getting 'blood' all over themselves? Don't they realize this battle may last for a while? Oh man, they're slowing down, they are weakening..."oh God, please don't let them lay me back down on this familiar battlefield, I don't think I can do it, I'm too weak, I'm tired." Wait a minute, they've stopped, but they're not laying me down. Really? They're gently putting me on someone else's back. I look up and I look around. I see familiar faces. Some that I haven't seen in years, but they heard I was in trouble and they came, they came to help. Some are helping carry me, others are clearing a path to make it easier, some are wiping my brow, others are placing pressure to my wounds as they bleed, while others are simply running next to me. I can hear them pray. I hear their words of encouragement. They are cheering....literally cheering me on. Why? I'm embarrassed and ashamed that so many are seeing me in such a pathetic state, but at the same time, I'm thankful. So thankful. As my gaze looks to the right and the left, I am amazed. But then I look straight ahead. I see Him. And I suddenly realize why they are all here. He has called them. He gathered them on my behalf. He is leading the way. He looks back at me and catches my eyes as they look around frantically. He patiently waits for my eyes to lock onto His. I can't explain what happened at that moment, except all the sudden it didn't matter that I was bleeding all over the place, that the pain was becoming unbearable, and that I was so very exposed. As long as I focused on His eyes, I felt a strange sense of hope and I knew, I just knew I would come out of this. I was going to make it. It wouldn't be pretty. A battle never is. And I wouldn't be the only one to have wounds from this battle. Others would suffer. When I see their scars, it would be a painful reminder of what I put them through, of what they went through on my behalf. But perhaps they too would be forever changed as a result of my battle. Maybe stronger, perhaps a little wiser, and hopefully grateful....grateful that they were chosen by Him to help carry out a plan to give one of His children a future and a hope.
There is no way I can thank all that have been involved in my struggles over the past 2 years, nor in my healing over the previous months. I see them differently. There's a bond between us that will never be broken. I look at Mark and I see a man that has strength beyond himself and yet the gentleness of Christ. Our relationship is built on a new sense of grace and understanding. We don't just enjoy each other, we fellowship with each other. He has chosen not to read this blog. Understandably so. It's too fresh and still too painful to relive. I adore this man. He is the real deal. I've never been more certain of anything.
My children. They have poured out more grace than I've deserved. They truly love me unconditionally. Luke and Logan are typical guys that don't necessarily feel the need to talk about their deepest emotions....go figure, huh? But, we do talk, a lot more. And they aren't afraid to talk about the real issues of life. And they don't hesitate to joke with me about my past and find opportune times to 'threaten a visit back to the nuthouse'. We love to laugh together. And then there's Sara. My sweet drama queen. Well, if this didn't provide her with a little drama, I'm not sure what would! She has been an incredible support to me, even in the toughest of times. She could have drowned in self-pity, but instead chose to stay afloat and refuse to give up on me. We have lived and loved and lost together. She knows her mother on a whole different level now. I'm not sure every 19 year old girl could handle that, but Sara has displayed nothing but gentleness and grace every step of the way. My children have experienced life in ways that parents don't wish upon their kiddos. My prayer is that one day they will look back upon this season of their lives and see that the Lord used this time to mold them and shape them into people that aren't afraid to face trials. I pray that they have a deep sense of compassion and understanding for the hurting that they may not have known otherwise. I pray they find their hearts softened within a hardened society.
Bless you, sweet friends of mine. You have touched this woman in unbelievable ways. For those of you that saw your friend lose her mind, I will never forget your kindness, your gentleness, and your never-ending grace. Thank you for your loyalty, for your devotion, for your prayers of power, and for your sacrifice. When I look into your faces, I see a perfect reflection of Christ. As I heal, you encourage me to 'remove the coat' of shame. You don't look at me and shake your head. You look at me and I know....I know that we share something, something so rare and so genuine. We shared a season of life together. You are a gift to me. Every stinkin' one of you! :)
My healing continues. I'm sure it will continue until the day I die. There are many that weren't even aware of my struggles during that time, but you have been used in mighty ways during my healing. You have helped me look into the mirror and see myself through the eyes of Christ. That's huge. You have met me for coffee at all hours just to tell me that you believe in me. There are still days that I struggle....badly. And on those days, I give myself a little more grace. I allow myself to hurt. I allow myself to feel shame. But then I choose to stand on both feet, to refocus my gaze, and to set my feet on solid ground...and walk.
Like the song says, "He knew I'd need a Savior". On October 31st, 2009, He gave me one. And so, "I will give with the life that I've been given...to touch a world that's broken....to be Your hands and feet..." I pray that this blog has touched the broken. I pray that hope may be restored through its words. I pray that you will allow my Lord to speak truth to you in your situation and that you will once and for all find victory. As one of my favorite authors, Tommy Tenney says, "You can never become who you are supposed to be without a victory, and there is no victory without a battle."
I have received numerous emails (it's listed on my profile) and facebook messages telling me how the Lord is using this blog in their lives or in the life of someone they've passed it on to. All I can say to that is, "Praise God"! I know there are so many women that suffer from hormonal issues, emotional issues, mental issues and as I have shared, I now have a very different perspective on these issues. I would encourage you to 'comment' on the blog because it gives other women hope and comfort to know that they are not alone. I have begun praying daily for those that write, either by email, facebook, or comment. I am committed to lifting you before my Lord and interceeding on your behalf. You are not alone. Did you hear me? You are not alone.
If the Lord lays something on my heart, I will add to the blog. In the meantime, I ask for your prayers that the Lord will annoint this blog for His glory and that He would lead hurting women to it. If you know of someone that is in pain or perhaps another that is struggling to find the strength to help another, please feel free to pass it on. I am going to utilize one more chapter for bible verses and/or quotes from which I have found hope and healing.
There is no way I can thank all that have been involved in my struggles over the past 2 years, nor in my healing over the previous months. I see them differently. There's a bond between us that will never be broken. I look at Mark and I see a man that has strength beyond himself and yet the gentleness of Christ. Our relationship is built on a new sense of grace and understanding. We don't just enjoy each other, we fellowship with each other. He has chosen not to read this blog. Understandably so. It's too fresh and still too painful to relive. I adore this man. He is the real deal. I've never been more certain of anything.
My children. They have poured out more grace than I've deserved. They truly love me unconditionally. Luke and Logan are typical guys that don't necessarily feel the need to talk about their deepest emotions....go figure, huh? But, we do talk, a lot more. And they aren't afraid to talk about the real issues of life. And they don't hesitate to joke with me about my past and find opportune times to 'threaten a visit back to the nuthouse'. We love to laugh together. And then there's Sara. My sweet drama queen. Well, if this didn't provide her with a little drama, I'm not sure what would! She has been an incredible support to me, even in the toughest of times. She could have drowned in self-pity, but instead chose to stay afloat and refuse to give up on me. We have lived and loved and lost together. She knows her mother on a whole different level now. I'm not sure every 19 year old girl could handle that, but Sara has displayed nothing but gentleness and grace every step of the way. My children have experienced life in ways that parents don't wish upon their kiddos. My prayer is that one day they will look back upon this season of their lives and see that the Lord used this time to mold them and shape them into people that aren't afraid to face trials. I pray that they have a deep sense of compassion and understanding for the hurting that they may not have known otherwise. I pray they find their hearts softened within a hardened society.
Bless you, sweet friends of mine. You have touched this woman in unbelievable ways. For those of you that saw your friend lose her mind, I will never forget your kindness, your gentleness, and your never-ending grace. Thank you for your loyalty, for your devotion, for your prayers of power, and for your sacrifice. When I look into your faces, I see a perfect reflection of Christ. As I heal, you encourage me to 'remove the coat' of shame. You don't look at me and shake your head. You look at me and I know....I know that we share something, something so rare and so genuine. We shared a season of life together. You are a gift to me. Every stinkin' one of you! :)
My healing continues. I'm sure it will continue until the day I die. There are many that weren't even aware of my struggles during that time, but you have been used in mighty ways during my healing. You have helped me look into the mirror and see myself through the eyes of Christ. That's huge. You have met me for coffee at all hours just to tell me that you believe in me. There are still days that I struggle....badly. And on those days, I give myself a little more grace. I allow myself to hurt. I allow myself to feel shame. But then I choose to stand on both feet, to refocus my gaze, and to set my feet on solid ground...and walk.
Like the song says, "He knew I'd need a Savior". On October 31st, 2009, He gave me one. And so, "I will give with the life that I've been given...to touch a world that's broken....to be Your hands and feet..." I pray that this blog has touched the broken. I pray that hope may be restored through its words. I pray that you will allow my Lord to speak truth to you in your situation and that you will once and for all find victory. As one of my favorite authors, Tommy Tenney says, "You can never become who you are supposed to be without a victory, and there is no victory without a battle."
I have received numerous emails (it's listed on my profile) and facebook messages telling me how the Lord is using this blog in their lives or in the life of someone they've passed it on to. All I can say to that is, "Praise God"! I know there are so many women that suffer from hormonal issues, emotional issues, mental issues and as I have shared, I now have a very different perspective on these issues. I would encourage you to 'comment' on the blog because it gives other women hope and comfort to know that they are not alone. I have begun praying daily for those that write, either by email, facebook, or comment. I am committed to lifting you before my Lord and interceeding on your behalf. You are not alone. Did you hear me? You are not alone.
If the Lord lays something on my heart, I will add to the blog. In the meantime, I ask for your prayers that the Lord will annoint this blog for His glory and that He would lead hurting women to it. If you know of someone that is in pain or perhaps another that is struggling to find the strength to help another, please feel free to pass it on. I am going to utilize one more chapter for bible verses and/or quotes from which I have found hope and healing.
Chapter 30: A word to my fellow 'crazy' sister
I don't say that word crazy out of disrespect, I call myself crazy because I don't want to tip toe around the issue.....I call it for what it is: I was in a nuthouse because I went crazy. So, please don't take offense to that word. If you are in the trenches of despair as you read this, hang on sister. Don't give up on yourself. If others have given up on you, I'm sorry for that, but don't get hung up on it. Don't allow that to feed what you are already feeling about yourself. If you are a believer of Christ, focus on Him alone. I know it's tough to pray for yourself right now, but force yourself to become immersed in the Word. If you are comfortable doing so, have others read scripture out loud to you. Grab onto the hope that He has for you. You may not feel it, but there is hope for you.
I understand the feeling of hitting rock bottom, of feeling desperate and thinking you can't go another day. Remember, I set out to kill myself 7 short months ago. It's still so fresh, when I hear the sound of sirens, I cringe. So yes, I get it, sweet lady. But part of why I'm writing this is to share what I wish I would've done differently, like be honest with the professionals....tell them I was suicidal. Uggghhh....but the stigma. Yes, I know. So if the words are stinging with truth as you read them or perhaps you can hardly read because the tears are clouding your vision, please call someone you trust and let them help you. You may be thinking 'but you only dealt with your deep depression for a few short weeks'. True...my deep depression, but I struggled for 2 years and just couldn't put my finger on what was happening in my life. I knew I wasn't the same. I knew I was acting differently. I recognized the fact that I was slowly drowning and I was growing tired of the fight. I was weary from flapping my arms to stay afloat or grabbing onto everyone around me to keep from going under again. Perhaps that's where you are at. You are tired. In fact, you are flat worn out. You long for the morning that you can wake up and not feel the dread of the day ahead. The joy that you used to experience is so far removed you can barely recall what it feels like to feel true joy. You look at your children and your heart breaks because you know that you truly are a good mom. They deserve memories that will fill their minds of a mother that laughed.....that enjoyed life to the fullest.....a mom that touched their lives in a way that made it better, richer. You look into the eyes of your husband and you see eyes that are tired. You wonder if he regrets the day he said, "in sickness and in health". No one expects this type of sickness. You know that your family deserves more, but you feel so helpless. You want to make it all go away and day after day, it remains. Some days are better than others. There are days when you can 'push' through, but it's usually for others. That's ok, they deserve the break. "God, I just want to be free....I long for freedom from the chains that bind me.....please release me...." As I write this, I can barely see the words as I type them for the tears that fill my eyes. I know there are those of you that are in the heat of the battle and my heart hurts for you so deeply. If I could hold you right now, I would. I cry with you, sister. Some of you I know....others I've never met. Some have emailed me and told me of your pain. Please know that you are not alone. You may feel that you have run off everyone that you trusted with your pain. One gal wrote, "they abandoned me in my time of greatest need". I understand that statement, but I also know the fear of being on the other side of that need. It's a terribly heavy load and not everyone will be able to stay with you. It may feel heartless and even cruel, but extend grace and trust that the Lord will give you exactly what you need. Perhaps He wants your gaze to be so fixed on His that He had to remove every distraction. I promise you, once your eyes lock onto His and He is all you can see....the load will begin to lighten. It's not easy. We are human beings. Ok, we are women, for cryin' out loud! We need others. Don't you think He gets that? But, He also sees this as an incredible opportunity to draw you so close....so very close to Himself that He's willing to let you hurt beyond what you can handle on your own. He is our Father that longs for us to lean on Him. Lean girl. Lean hard. He doesn't tire....He doesn't grow weary. He's there.....He's right there, I promise.
Perhaps as you read all of this, you cannot relate or do not wish to relate to it because you are not a believer in my Lord. Ok. I won't apologize for the spiritual content of this blog because He is my Savior. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that He saved my life on October 31, 2009. And there is no doubt in my mind that He allowed me to go through this trial for reasons I will probably never fully understand. That's ok. That's what living a life of faith is all about. He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. If you are not a believer, you may think, 'How could a loving God allow us to suffer like this?'. He doesn't promise a life free of pain and suffering....never has. He only promises to hold our hand while we go through it. It's up to us to take His hand. If you've never experienced His touch before, it is like nothing you will ever experience in this life. His touch is gentle. If you suddenly feel a breeze of indescribable peace come over you, it's my Lord bending down from heaven and placing His cheek next to yours. Feel it? It will take your breath away. Listen closely and you will hear Him whisper. What's He saying? What does the God of Gods have to say to me at my lowest? "Be still and know that I am God". "I know the thoughts I have toward you....to give you a future and a hope". I encourage you to let Him be your Savior. Maybe He is your Savior, but you just need to feel His touch. He's right there. He's placed the business of heaven on hold and He's bending down just to touch you. He's right there. I promise.
Whether you are experiencing hormonal issues that leave you with emotional ups and downs or periods of anxiety and/or depression that you are finding more and more difficult to deal with or if you are in the depths of depression, I want you to know that there is help for you....there is hope for you. Don't give up on seeking professional help, even if it means getting opinion after opinion. There are a lot of different diagnoses and a huge variety of medications. Don't allow the weariness of seeking to keep you from finding the right doctor....and the right medication(s). Seek professional counseling and don't be afraid to lay it all out there. There is a life to be lived, my friend.....let's live it to the fullest!
I understand the feeling of hitting rock bottom, of feeling desperate and thinking you can't go another day. Remember, I set out to kill myself 7 short months ago. It's still so fresh, when I hear the sound of sirens, I cringe. So yes, I get it, sweet lady. But part of why I'm writing this is to share what I wish I would've done differently, like be honest with the professionals....tell them I was suicidal. Uggghhh....but the stigma. Yes, I know. So if the words are stinging with truth as you read them or perhaps you can hardly read because the tears are clouding your vision, please call someone you trust and let them help you. You may be thinking 'but you only dealt with your deep depression for a few short weeks'. True...my deep depression, but I struggled for 2 years and just couldn't put my finger on what was happening in my life. I knew I wasn't the same. I knew I was acting differently. I recognized the fact that I was slowly drowning and I was growing tired of the fight. I was weary from flapping my arms to stay afloat or grabbing onto everyone around me to keep from going under again. Perhaps that's where you are at. You are tired. In fact, you are flat worn out. You long for the morning that you can wake up and not feel the dread of the day ahead. The joy that you used to experience is so far removed you can barely recall what it feels like to feel true joy. You look at your children and your heart breaks because you know that you truly are a good mom. They deserve memories that will fill their minds of a mother that laughed.....that enjoyed life to the fullest.....a mom that touched their lives in a way that made it better, richer. You look into the eyes of your husband and you see eyes that are tired. You wonder if he regrets the day he said, "in sickness and in health". No one expects this type of sickness. You know that your family deserves more, but you feel so helpless. You want to make it all go away and day after day, it remains. Some days are better than others. There are days when you can 'push' through, but it's usually for others. That's ok, they deserve the break. "God, I just want to be free....I long for freedom from the chains that bind me.....please release me...." As I write this, I can barely see the words as I type them for the tears that fill my eyes. I know there are those of you that are in the heat of the battle and my heart hurts for you so deeply. If I could hold you right now, I would. I cry with you, sister. Some of you I know....others I've never met. Some have emailed me and told me of your pain. Please know that you are not alone. You may feel that you have run off everyone that you trusted with your pain. One gal wrote, "they abandoned me in my time of greatest need". I understand that statement, but I also know the fear of being on the other side of that need. It's a terribly heavy load and not everyone will be able to stay with you. It may feel heartless and even cruel, but extend grace and trust that the Lord will give you exactly what you need. Perhaps He wants your gaze to be so fixed on His that He had to remove every distraction. I promise you, once your eyes lock onto His and He is all you can see....the load will begin to lighten. It's not easy. We are human beings. Ok, we are women, for cryin' out loud! We need others. Don't you think He gets that? But, He also sees this as an incredible opportunity to draw you so close....so very close to Himself that He's willing to let you hurt beyond what you can handle on your own. He is our Father that longs for us to lean on Him. Lean girl. Lean hard. He doesn't tire....He doesn't grow weary. He's there.....He's right there, I promise.
Perhaps as you read all of this, you cannot relate or do not wish to relate to it because you are not a believer in my Lord. Ok. I won't apologize for the spiritual content of this blog because He is my Savior. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that He saved my life on October 31, 2009. And there is no doubt in my mind that He allowed me to go through this trial for reasons I will probably never fully understand. That's ok. That's what living a life of faith is all about. He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. If you are not a believer, you may think, 'How could a loving God allow us to suffer like this?'. He doesn't promise a life free of pain and suffering....never has. He only promises to hold our hand while we go through it. It's up to us to take His hand. If you've never experienced His touch before, it is like nothing you will ever experience in this life. His touch is gentle. If you suddenly feel a breeze of indescribable peace come over you, it's my Lord bending down from heaven and placing His cheek next to yours. Feel it? It will take your breath away. Listen closely and you will hear Him whisper. What's He saying? What does the God of Gods have to say to me at my lowest? "Be still and know that I am God". "I know the thoughts I have toward you....to give you a future and a hope". I encourage you to let Him be your Savior. Maybe He is your Savior, but you just need to feel His touch. He's right there. He's placed the business of heaven on hold and He's bending down just to touch you. He's right there. I promise.
Whether you are experiencing hormonal issues that leave you with emotional ups and downs or periods of anxiety and/or depression that you are finding more and more difficult to deal with or if you are in the depths of depression, I want you to know that there is help for you....there is hope for you. Don't give up on seeking professional help, even if it means getting opinion after opinion. There are a lot of different diagnoses and a huge variety of medications. Don't allow the weariness of seeking to keep you from finding the right doctor....and the right medication(s). Seek professional counseling and don't be afraid to lay it all out there. There is a life to be lived, my friend.....let's live it to the fullest!
Chapter 29: A Word to the Supporters of the Hormonal
Can I just say a few words to those that are supporting us crazy hormonal beings? First of all, thank you. I know it's not easy. And if you aren't supporting someone now, I feel certain the opportunity will eventually present itself. I feel as though I can address this with you because I've experienced both sides very well. I prefer to be on the supporting side, rather than the supported....but I'm glad to know both perspectives. Supporting someone going through emotional issues can be extremely draining, not only to you, but to your family as well. One word.....communicate. Communicate with your friend or loved one frequently, even if you are afraid it will hurt her feelings. Tell her when you need a break, but let her know you'll be back. Be honest with her at all times. Communicate with your husband. Make sure they are blessing the time and effort you are spending with her. When I was supporting a friend, Mark said, "I know this is who you are and I want you to help her. I just ask that you keep me updated on how she is doing. Keep talking to me about it. Don't assume that this is your deal only. I want to support you supporting her." I know that not all husbands will be that encouraging, but communication is key. If you are comfortable doing so, talk to her husband or some of her adult family members. You want them to know that you are not there to interfere and you are not there to 'save the day', but that you are there. As I was going through the worst of my depression, Mark and my friends were in constant contact. It wasn't wierd or inappropriate, it was very helpful to both sides. They were all on the same page. You may have to set boundaries for yourself so that it doesn't interfere with others in your life that need you. Notice I said, set boundaries for yourself, not for her. She is an adult. Encourage and guide her to set boundaries for herself. Give her some control. Remember, she's already feeling as though she's lost so much of her 'self'.
Also, know that touch is very important to someone feeling depressed. Sometimes all they need is to be held. The human touch is a powerful thing. If you are a praying person, pray with her....and then pray with her again. She's not at a place to pray for herself. She's too weak. Gather others to pray for her. It may save her very life. Several of my girlfriends gathered in Denver to pray on my behalf. They were interceding and I wasn't even aware. In addition, don't be afraid to show 'tough love'. I think of KK who came to my house and 'encouraged' me to come out of my dark room and out of my bed. It made a world of difference for that moment.
You know, some just don't have the gift of mercy and compassion. That's ok. Don't beat yourself up over it, but don't allow the pressure of supporting in ways you are not comfortable with build...and then explode. Even though your friend needs you, it will do neither of you any good if her neediness ruins your friendship. Communicate. :) There is so much power in the spoken word of a friend when you are deeply hurting. Please remember she's already weak and probably disgusted with herself. She is hanging on to hope that others give her. She's listening to every word you are saying. She's clinging to them, trust me. I think about patients that I see in the hospital that are dying and they're feeling hopeless and so are their family members. The doctor comes in and they are straining to hear every single word. They long to hear any word that will bring them even the slightest hope. And if they hear it, they can't get their focus off of it. They will keep bringing it up again and again....clarifying over and over. My point? When we are at our weakest, we need others to give us words of power and encouragement. A friend of mine used to call it "talking her off a cliff". It wasn't that I had great words of wisdom....she just knew that I loved her enough to speak words that would encourage her, even if I had already said them many times before.
I say these next words with gentleness, so please hear my heart. If you have someone in your life that is suffering, please try not to get caught up in the psycho-analysis catch words, like "codependence" or "unhealthy relationship" or "emotionally dependent". I know there are those that are so overly dependent on others that they begin to 'enjoy' their illness because it gets them attention....that's not what I'm speaking of. But, for the woman that finds herself in the trenches and needs help, for crying out loud, help her! Love her! Support her! There will be times when you will feel wrung out. There will be times when you feel yourself being pulled into the trenches with her. There will be times when you can't 'talk her off the cliff' anymore. I get that. I've been there. But, I now have the other side's perspective. There are times when we just flat out need each other! Is it a"healthy" situation? Heck no, one of you is desperately ill, but please know that it is temporary. It doesn't mean the relationship itself is unhealthy! Onlookers may view it as "unhealthy", but sister, go with your gut on this one. Seek guidance from only your Lord. You don't have to be the answer....but you can be a great resource. You don't have to be the healer....but you can be a great intercessor. You don't have to be the hero....but you can be an amazing friend. The nature of Christ tells us to reach beyond ourselves and carry one another's burdens. There's a book I love called "Intercessory Prayer" by Dutch Sheets. He paints a vivid picture of carrying one another's burdens. He says, It's not 'helping' someone carry their burdens, it's literally 'staking' yourself to the burden, placing it on your back and carrying it for them. When you need a break, someone else steps in and does the same. That is truly being an extension of Christ. I think of the 3 weeks prior to that dreaded night of October 31st when my estrogen plummeted beyond control and my friends began tag-teaming each other to 'carry my burden'. They communicated with each other frequently, they planned, they prayed together, and they sacrificed. I found out later that they each had hourly alarms set on their phones to pray for me. When a friend of mine was struggling, several of us committed to fasting and praying everyday during lunch for several weeks. Why? Because that's what we are called to do for our sisters in Christ. If your friend or loved one is worth fighting for....then fight with the intent of winning! If you give up on her, it sends the message that she wasn't worth fighting for. And if the burden's too heavy (and I know it can be...and that's ok)...get others involved in helping you carry the load. You can't and shouldn't be doing it by yourself. You WILL get burned out and fed up. It will be good for her as well if you allow others to get involved....very involved. Know that it might cost you...a lot. Going beyond ourselves usually does. It can be exhausting, but if we do it and allow Christ to be our strength and if our loved ones can support us in supporting others, that's what its all about....carrying each other's burdens and pouring out the grace of Christ upon another. It's a very cool thing.
Let me ask you a question? If your long time friend and christian sister were dying of cancer, would you love and support her? Of course you would. But would you feel empowered to heal her of her disease? No, but you would feel a responsibility to intercede for her and to be there for her during her times of doubt, anger, and sadness. You would cry with her. You would hold her when she felt scared and alone. And when she's lying on her death bed, taking her last breaths, would you say, "I've had enough. This is too heavy for me to handle." and leave the room? No. You would hold her hand. You would cry for her. You would whisper to her, "I'm here. You are not alone." You wouldn't start beating on her chest and try to revive her. You would just be there. If you are tired and growing weary from carrying someone, please stay by her side. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Make boundaries for yourself if you need to, but be the arms of Christ....be the voice of her Lord....look at her through the eyes of Jesus and see her for what you know she can be...what you know she will be once again.
One more thing I want to say to you. I think you are amazing. You are my hero. I pray that grace will be poured out upon you if you ever find yourself in your own trenches. I pray that your sisters in Christ will line up, waiting their turn to carry your burden for you. You deserve nothing less.
Also, know that touch is very important to someone feeling depressed. Sometimes all they need is to be held. The human touch is a powerful thing. If you are a praying person, pray with her....and then pray with her again. She's not at a place to pray for herself. She's too weak. Gather others to pray for her. It may save her very life. Several of my girlfriends gathered in Denver to pray on my behalf. They were interceding and I wasn't even aware. In addition, don't be afraid to show 'tough love'. I think of KK who came to my house and 'encouraged' me to come out of my dark room and out of my bed. It made a world of difference for that moment.
You know, some just don't have the gift of mercy and compassion. That's ok. Don't beat yourself up over it, but don't allow the pressure of supporting in ways you are not comfortable with build...and then explode. Even though your friend needs you, it will do neither of you any good if her neediness ruins your friendship. Communicate. :) There is so much power in the spoken word of a friend when you are deeply hurting. Please remember she's already weak and probably disgusted with herself. She is hanging on to hope that others give her. She's listening to every word you are saying. She's clinging to them, trust me. I think about patients that I see in the hospital that are dying and they're feeling hopeless and so are their family members. The doctor comes in and they are straining to hear every single word. They long to hear any word that will bring them even the slightest hope. And if they hear it, they can't get their focus off of it. They will keep bringing it up again and again....clarifying over and over. My point? When we are at our weakest, we need others to give us words of power and encouragement. A friend of mine used to call it "talking her off a cliff". It wasn't that I had great words of wisdom....she just knew that I loved her enough to speak words that would encourage her, even if I had already said them many times before.
I say these next words with gentleness, so please hear my heart. If you have someone in your life that is suffering, please try not to get caught up in the psycho-analysis catch words, like "codependence" or "unhealthy relationship" or "emotionally dependent". I know there are those that are so overly dependent on others that they begin to 'enjoy' their illness because it gets them attention....that's not what I'm speaking of. But, for the woman that finds herself in the trenches and needs help, for crying out loud, help her! Love her! Support her! There will be times when you will feel wrung out. There will be times when you feel yourself being pulled into the trenches with her. There will be times when you can't 'talk her off the cliff' anymore. I get that. I've been there. But, I now have the other side's perspective. There are times when we just flat out need each other! Is it a"healthy" situation? Heck no, one of you is desperately ill, but please know that it is temporary. It doesn't mean the relationship itself is unhealthy! Onlookers may view it as "unhealthy", but sister, go with your gut on this one. Seek guidance from only your Lord. You don't have to be the answer....but you can be a great resource. You don't have to be the healer....but you can be a great intercessor. You don't have to be the hero....but you can be an amazing friend. The nature of Christ tells us to reach beyond ourselves and carry one another's burdens. There's a book I love called "Intercessory Prayer" by Dutch Sheets. He paints a vivid picture of carrying one another's burdens. He says, It's not 'helping' someone carry their burdens, it's literally 'staking' yourself to the burden, placing it on your back and carrying it for them. When you need a break, someone else steps in and does the same. That is truly being an extension of Christ. I think of the 3 weeks prior to that dreaded night of October 31st when my estrogen plummeted beyond control and my friends began tag-teaming each other to 'carry my burden'. They communicated with each other frequently, they planned, they prayed together, and they sacrificed. I found out later that they each had hourly alarms set on their phones to pray for me. When a friend of mine was struggling, several of us committed to fasting and praying everyday during lunch for several weeks. Why? Because that's what we are called to do for our sisters in Christ. If your friend or loved one is worth fighting for....then fight with the intent of winning! If you give up on her, it sends the message that she wasn't worth fighting for. And if the burden's too heavy (and I know it can be...and that's ok)...get others involved in helping you carry the load. You can't and shouldn't be doing it by yourself. You WILL get burned out and fed up. It will be good for her as well if you allow others to get involved....very involved. Know that it might cost you...a lot. Going beyond ourselves usually does. It can be exhausting, but if we do it and allow Christ to be our strength and if our loved ones can support us in supporting others, that's what its all about....carrying each other's burdens and pouring out the grace of Christ upon another. It's a very cool thing.
Let me ask you a question? If your long time friend and christian sister were dying of cancer, would you love and support her? Of course you would. But would you feel empowered to heal her of her disease? No, but you would feel a responsibility to intercede for her and to be there for her during her times of doubt, anger, and sadness. You would cry with her. You would hold her when she felt scared and alone. And when she's lying on her death bed, taking her last breaths, would you say, "I've had enough. This is too heavy for me to handle." and leave the room? No. You would hold her hand. You would cry for her. You would whisper to her, "I'm here. You are not alone." You wouldn't start beating on her chest and try to revive her. You would just be there. If you are tired and growing weary from carrying someone, please stay by her side. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Make boundaries for yourself if you need to, but be the arms of Christ....be the voice of her Lord....look at her through the eyes of Jesus and see her for what you know she can be...what you know she will be once again.
One more thing I want to say to you. I think you are amazing. You are my hero. I pray that grace will be poured out upon you if you ever find yourself in your own trenches. I pray that your sisters in Christ will line up, waiting their turn to carry your burden for you. You deserve nothing less.
Chapter 28
Journal entry, 4/24/10
Abraham simply remained true to God, even willing to sacrifice his son. He was steadfast, he was true. No big show about how faithful he was to God. He was true even if it was contrary to his own belief system, even if it made no sense from a human point of view...I mean really, kill his own son? He was quietly ready to do anything the Lord asked of him. And the Lord purified his faith. Oh Father God, that's what I want more than anything this world can offer me. I want my life to be purified, I want to know You on a whole different level, I want to be so tender to Your spirit that I don't miss anything or any word You have for me. Purify my faith, Father.
Journal entry, 4/25/10
It feels like You've called me to a season of isolation....isolation with You. I feel alone, but I know You are drawing me closer and closer to You. I know You gave me numerous wonderful friends, but for now, I am to be quiet...I am to seek Your face on a whole different level. And if You choose to lift me to higher places, praise God. I will wait for that day. If You choose to leave me in isolation, I will keep my eyes on You and I will only ask that You keep my spirit from breaking, keep my heart from breaking, and purify me....purify my faith. Make me into the woman You want me to be. Be God like never before in this woman's life. Be God.
Abraham simply remained true to God, even willing to sacrifice his son. He was steadfast, he was true. No big show about how faithful he was to God. He was true even if it was contrary to his own belief system, even if it made no sense from a human point of view...I mean really, kill his own son? He was quietly ready to do anything the Lord asked of him. And the Lord purified his faith. Oh Father God, that's what I want more than anything this world can offer me. I want my life to be purified, I want to know You on a whole different level, I want to be so tender to Your spirit that I don't miss anything or any word You have for me. Purify my faith, Father.
Journal entry, 4/25/10
It feels like You've called me to a season of isolation....isolation with You. I feel alone, but I know You are drawing me closer and closer to You. I know You gave me numerous wonderful friends, but for now, I am to be quiet...I am to seek Your face on a whole different level. And if You choose to lift me to higher places, praise God. I will wait for that day. If You choose to leave me in isolation, I will keep my eyes on You and I will only ask that You keep my spirit from breaking, keep my heart from breaking, and purify me....purify my faith. Make me into the woman You want me to be. Be God like never before in this woman's life. Be God.
"Friends often ask me, "Do you feel back to normal?" Hmmmm......that's a tough question to answer because to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I know what 'normal' feels like anymore. I've been to hell and back. Normal will never look the same.
We all have faced our own pain and difficulties in life. Some more intense than others. I've had my share of loss and pain in my life. My sweet friend, DC and I were discussing this issue. She had some great insight. She too has suffered loss and disappointment through the years. She said, "the journey of healing is so very different for those going through a traumatic loss that affects your self-esteem, your worth, your self-respect and the respect of others. It is so much more difficult to heal from a loss if there is shame involved." How true. I guess that's why those going through the pain of divorce say, "Death would have been easier to take." My eyes have been opened to the pain that the aftermath of depression can bring. Even if there are no attempts of suicide, there is the shame of being 'needy', of lying in a dark room all day while the rest of the world goes on living, knowing that you appear pathetic and helpless and not having the strength to change, and the pain of wondering if your children will be forever affected by their mother's illness. To say that it is a humbling experience is such an understatement. The illness of depression and/or anxiety can take a strong, confident woman that lives to be an encourager to those around her....and break her into a weak and scared individual that those around her don't even recognize anymore. It can crush the toughest spirit. It can cause a woman surrounded by love to feel completely alone. It can take a woman that attempts to live each moment by faith to feel abandoned by her Lord. It can turn your world upside down...and you're left with, 'what now'?
I'm going to be very transparent here. I'm not going to say that I'm 'all better' after several months of recovery. But I am healing. I don't wish what I've experienced on anyone. But the fact is, there are so many women that although my story may differ somewhat, suffers daily from hormonal issues, depression, anxiety, or other emotional and mental issues. And let's face it, there is a stigma that goes along with it. It's hard to understand, but I guess it's human nature. When we have physical hardship, people don't hesitate to run to our aid, but mental and emotional hardship scares people. Most are not quite sure what to do with it. Even some that have experienced it themselves seem to forget the pain of being misunderstood. But I would encourage you to extend grace to others. Allow them to be human. And then determine to allow this experience to change you.....for the better. Back to the transparency thing.....I would be lying if I said that I don't have times of anger. There were responses to my pain that I will never understand. I struggle with the disloyalty. So, yes. There continues to be moments of anger, of disappointment, of shame. But I choose not to focus on those feelings. I choose to focus on my healing. I choose to focus on those that need me to believe in myself. I choose to focus on my Lord. After all, His honor is at stake.
Friends tell me that I am different....a little more distant. I am more to myself than I've ever been. Don't get me wrong, I am still a 'girl's girl'. I love my friends. But this experience did in fact change me. I look at life differently. I look at love with more intimacy. I enjoy the peace that engulfs my mind and I am strangely satisfied with being still....being quiet. I embrace the gift of laughter.....oh, what a gift. I cherish the hugs and kisses of those who love me. The breeze (ok, the strong oklahoma wind:) even feels different to me. I am forever changed. I will live the life that I've been given.....
We all have faced our own pain and difficulties in life. Some more intense than others. I've had my share of loss and pain in my life. My sweet friend, DC and I were discussing this issue. She had some great insight. She too has suffered loss and disappointment through the years. She said, "the journey of healing is so very different for those going through a traumatic loss that affects your self-esteem, your worth, your self-respect and the respect of others. It is so much more difficult to heal from a loss if there is shame involved." How true. I guess that's why those going through the pain of divorce say, "Death would have been easier to take." My eyes have been opened to the pain that the aftermath of depression can bring. Even if there are no attempts of suicide, there is the shame of being 'needy', of lying in a dark room all day while the rest of the world goes on living, knowing that you appear pathetic and helpless and not having the strength to change, and the pain of wondering if your children will be forever affected by their mother's illness. To say that it is a humbling experience is such an understatement. The illness of depression and/or anxiety can take a strong, confident woman that lives to be an encourager to those around her....and break her into a weak and scared individual that those around her don't even recognize anymore. It can crush the toughest spirit. It can cause a woman surrounded by love to feel completely alone. It can take a woman that attempts to live each moment by faith to feel abandoned by her Lord. It can turn your world upside down...and you're left with, 'what now'?
I'm going to be very transparent here. I'm not going to say that I'm 'all better' after several months of recovery. But I am healing. I don't wish what I've experienced on anyone. But the fact is, there are so many women that although my story may differ somewhat, suffers daily from hormonal issues, depression, anxiety, or other emotional and mental issues. And let's face it, there is a stigma that goes along with it. It's hard to understand, but I guess it's human nature. When we have physical hardship, people don't hesitate to run to our aid, but mental and emotional hardship scares people. Most are not quite sure what to do with it. Even some that have experienced it themselves seem to forget the pain of being misunderstood. But I would encourage you to extend grace to others. Allow them to be human. And then determine to allow this experience to change you.....for the better. Back to the transparency thing.....I would be lying if I said that I don't have times of anger. There were responses to my pain that I will never understand. I struggle with the disloyalty. So, yes. There continues to be moments of anger, of disappointment, of shame. But I choose not to focus on those feelings. I choose to focus on my healing. I choose to focus on those that need me to believe in myself. I choose to focus on my Lord. After all, His honor is at stake.
Friends tell me that I am different....a little more distant. I am more to myself than I've ever been. Don't get me wrong, I am still a 'girl's girl'. I love my friends. But this experience did in fact change me. I look at life differently. I look at love with more intimacy. I enjoy the peace that engulfs my mind and I am strangely satisfied with being still....being quiet. I embrace the gift of laughter.....oh, what a gift. I cherish the hugs and kisses of those who love me. The breeze (ok, the strong oklahoma wind:) even feels different to me. I am forever changed. I will live the life that I've been given.....
Chapter 27: Sweet Momma
As I have spoken of the events of the previous 2 years, you haven't heard me speak of my mom. My mother is living and is 76 years old. She doesn't know of anything that has transpired in my life during the last 2 years. She has Alzheimers. There have been many times during the past several months that I longed for my mom's arms to cradle me, for her to hold me and cry with me. But to tell you the truth, our relationship changed drastically long before her illness began. As I have continued through the healing process, my heart has broken for my mom. I have come to some realizations that have opened my eyes to truth that I'm not certain I can fully reconcile.
I go to the nursing home to see my mom. My visits have felt different the past couple of months. I look at her in a different way. I sit with her, I hold her hand, and I cry. I stare at her and wish I could speak words that her broken mind could understand. If only I had known then what I know now. I long to tell her that I get it....I understand what happened to her....that I'm so sorry that I stopped believing in her.....that I fully grasp the shame that follows hurting those you love and the confusion that takes over your mind, causing you to act like you would not normally act....to do things that are out of character for you. I wish I could ask her to forgive me.
She was 48 years old and began to display an unusual sense of insecurity about her. She seemed to need constant approval from others. Her personality was changing before our eyes. I was in high school and remember vividly telling one of my friends, "I think my mom is going crazy. She must be going through the change." Over the next year, my mom found the security she was missing in another man's arms. During that time, her strange behavior drove not only her family but all of her friends away. At the end of that year, she found herself divorced, alone, and scared. I became a newlywed the same month that her and my dad divorced. She was at our house almost daily, crying and asking for our help. She had lost everything and everyone around her and she had no one to blame but herself. She found herself living in a run-down apartment, dating random men from every walk of life. Although I tried not to turn my back on her, she continued to make decisions that were driving her children further away. I was disgusted at the woman she had seemingly turned into overnight.
Several years went by and my mother lived a life of self-condemnation that was destroying her. She no longer resembled the mother that had raised me and taught me the ways of the Lord. My brothers and I met with her and told her that we forgive her and told her it was time for her to forgive herself. Although I truly believe she wanted to do just that, I don't think the shame of what her life had become would ever allow her that grace.
I have no doubt that at the age of 48 years, my mother was in fact going through "the change" and that her hormones were completely out of control. I see a familiar trend of her personality changes. Perhaps all she needed was a little hormone replacement therapy. Perhaps she needed some professional counseling. Perhaps she needed her family to refuse to give up on her. Perhaps she needed her daughter to look her in the eyes and tell her 'This isn't you, mom. I know who you are and this isn't you. I believe in you and I'm not leaving you'. Perhaps she needed others to gather around her in prayer and support....rather than leaving her on the battlefield by herself, wounded and dying. My mom lost everything that was precious to her. She lost her marriage of 25 years, she lost her family, every one of her friends, the respect of others, and she lost her dignity. She was battling a hormonal imbalance and depression and no one stayed on the battlefield and fought for her.....not even her daughter. Even though she made some very poor choices during her struggle, my heart will forever ache over the fact that I left her to face her consequences alone.
So I look at her, I hold her hand, and I cry. She just grins at me. She has no idea that we have shared the same path, at a different time and a different place, but we walked the same road. Her sweet, gentle spirit doesn't feel the pain of rejection anymore. She feels no shame. For that I am thankful. I love you, momma. I love you.
I go to the nursing home to see my mom. My visits have felt different the past couple of months. I look at her in a different way. I sit with her, I hold her hand, and I cry. I stare at her and wish I could speak words that her broken mind could understand. If only I had known then what I know now. I long to tell her that I get it....I understand what happened to her....that I'm so sorry that I stopped believing in her.....that I fully grasp the shame that follows hurting those you love and the confusion that takes over your mind, causing you to act like you would not normally act....to do things that are out of character for you. I wish I could ask her to forgive me.
She was 48 years old and began to display an unusual sense of insecurity about her. She seemed to need constant approval from others. Her personality was changing before our eyes. I was in high school and remember vividly telling one of my friends, "I think my mom is going crazy. She must be going through the change." Over the next year, my mom found the security she was missing in another man's arms. During that time, her strange behavior drove not only her family but all of her friends away. At the end of that year, she found herself divorced, alone, and scared. I became a newlywed the same month that her and my dad divorced. She was at our house almost daily, crying and asking for our help. She had lost everything and everyone around her and she had no one to blame but herself. She found herself living in a run-down apartment, dating random men from every walk of life. Although I tried not to turn my back on her, she continued to make decisions that were driving her children further away. I was disgusted at the woman she had seemingly turned into overnight.
Several years went by and my mother lived a life of self-condemnation that was destroying her. She no longer resembled the mother that had raised me and taught me the ways of the Lord. My brothers and I met with her and told her that we forgive her and told her it was time for her to forgive herself. Although I truly believe she wanted to do just that, I don't think the shame of what her life had become would ever allow her that grace.
I have no doubt that at the age of 48 years, my mother was in fact going through "the change" and that her hormones were completely out of control. I see a familiar trend of her personality changes. Perhaps all she needed was a little hormone replacement therapy. Perhaps she needed some professional counseling. Perhaps she needed her family to refuse to give up on her. Perhaps she needed her daughter to look her in the eyes and tell her 'This isn't you, mom. I know who you are and this isn't you. I believe in you and I'm not leaving you'. Perhaps she needed others to gather around her in prayer and support....rather than leaving her on the battlefield by herself, wounded and dying. My mom lost everything that was precious to her. She lost her marriage of 25 years, she lost her family, every one of her friends, the respect of others, and she lost her dignity. She was battling a hormonal imbalance and depression and no one stayed on the battlefield and fought for her.....not even her daughter. Even though she made some very poor choices during her struggle, my heart will forever ache over the fact that I left her to face her consequences alone.
So I look at her, I hold her hand, and I cry. She just grins at me. She has no idea that we have shared the same path, at a different time and a different place, but we walked the same road. Her sweet, gentle spirit doesn't feel the pain of rejection anymore. She feels no shame. For that I am thankful. I love you, momma. I love you.
Chapter 26
The day I left the nuthouse, the psychiatrist highly recommend that I go to an outpatient day treatment program. They called and set me up to start that week. I would be required to go Monday through Friday, 8am-4pm. I was reluctant to go. I just wanted to put the 'event' behind me and move on. Although the group sessions helped tremendously while inpatient, I was tired of talking about it. The last thing I wanted to do is to hash and rehash the same stuff for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I showed up on Monday morning and by noon had decided this was not for me. I felt I had gotten the help I needed and was ready to go back to work, teach the students, and get into a routine again. I called after lunch break and told them I wouldn't be returning. I met with my fellow teacher, NP later that afternoon for coffee. She was troubled to hear that I was determined not to go back to the sessions. Although I had only known NP for a few months, we became very close, very quickly. We both had a passion for nursing and a passion for teaching that created a bond in a short amount of time. The night I decided to end it all, I received a text from her while I sat in the ER that said, "I'm on my way." Mark had called to let her know what had taken place. I replied with, "I'm so sorry, N. You don't have to come." Her reply? "That's what friends do." This was particularly touching because, you see, NP's best friend had committed suicide ten years earlier. For the next week, I was blown away by her support to me while in the facility. I told her, "I understand if you need to be colleagues only and not friends. I get that." She said, "Absolutely not, Kim. I love and care about you. I'm here for you." Wow. But her tone changed when I told her that I would not be returning to the day treatment program. Doesn't she see that I'm much better? Doesn't she understand that it was just hormones? Before the conversation ended, I told her that I would return the next day and continue with the program. I didn't do it. From that point on, our relationship changed. Let me say something loud and strong here to anyone that is suffering from depression or any other emotional or mental issue. Even if you feel that you are 'better' and out of danger.....you not only owe it to yourself, but you owe it to everyone that has stood beside you to get ALL of the help you can get. Even though I felt better, I was not in a position to make that decision. My friend NP had been touched by suicide and its effects, yet she stayed on this difficult path with me. But once I made the decision to stop receiving help, her trust in me was broken. And she was right. She deserved the peace of mind to know that her friend was complete emotionally and mentally. It was a selfish decision I made. It was a decision that I would regret.
There has been a tremendous amount of healing between NP and myself and for that I'm thankful. She is an unbelievable teacher and has taught me so much.....and not just in the classroom. Looking back at this journey, there are so many moments and decisions that I wish I could change, but the fact is, I cannot. All I can do is try to forgive myself and consider it remarkable when others forgive me as well.
There has been a tremendous amount of healing between NP and myself and for that I'm thankful. She is an unbelievable teacher and has taught me so much.....and not just in the classroom. Looking back at this journey, there are so many moments and decisions that I wish I could change, but the fact is, I cannot. All I can do is try to forgive myself and consider it remarkable when others forgive me as well.
Chapter 25....the healing begins
I walked into church 2 days after I got home from the nuthouse. Outside of family, I had not laid eyes on anyone yet. I'm not sure I can really describe what it was like to walk in, look around and just wonder what they knew. If I could manage to look into their eyes, I might have a better idea of what they were thinking. But the fact is, I kept my head down. I saw MM and LH and they greeted me with a warm embrace. MM began to cry. It kills me to know how badly I scared those who love me and even worse, how badly I hurt them. For several weeks, they had done everything possible to help me. I let them down. The thought overwhelmed me. It was prayer time. I sat in my seat, covered my face with my hands and began to cry. My sister in law, Robyn, whispered "Kim, I'm going to go down to the altar and be annointed for you." Words of grace. Just when I needed them.
Chapter 24
Several of my new friends sat outside of the doctor's "office" waiting to hear if I would be going home today. I came out with a smile and they knew. We sat together and talked while the nurses got my papers in order. That last hour would touch my spirit in an incredible way. Indeed, the Lord had used even this place to touch me, to change me. Remember the sweet gal that stood from her wheelchair with her arms outstretched, wanting a hug? She was a "frequent flyer" of this place and struggled with so many issues of life. She came next to me in the hallway and as she spoke, tears filled her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. "You are my hero, Kim. You were so broken when you came into this place and now you are whole." We cried together and I told her that I would be praying for her and I meant it. I told her that the Lord had used her in my life that first day when she bravely approached this quiet, confused woman that wanted nothing to do with anyone. The Lord had used her sweet touch to extend His hope. I prayed with her. What a priviledge. I will never forget her.
Kathy was searching. Over the past several days, we had many opportunities to talk. She missed her husband so much. Why had the Lord taken her soulmate? It was a question I couldn't answer, but she gladly accepted the Bible that KK had brought to me days earlier. I prayed that she would find the truth that she was so desperately seeking.
There were several others that I had grown to adore in such a short time. I would leave that day with a very different perspective. Wonderful people struggle with psychological issues, some stemming from mental illness, others just simply from "life" and the difficulties that life can bring. As I hugged their necks and walked out those doors to a freedom I had once taken for granted, I knew that I was leaving a world that held a lot of pain....not a place I necessarily wanted to return, but a place I was thankful was a part of my journey. A place I would never forget.
I said my goodbyes and walked into the lobby. Mmmmm.....there he was, my rock, my best friend, my sweet husband of 27 years. I was so glad to see the smile on his face. His warm embrace told me he was ready for me to come home. We walked outside and it was unusually warm for November. As we drove out on the familiar street in my little convertible Mazda, I became strangely terrified....terrified that I would see someone I knew. Was I ready for this? Was I ready for the uncertainty that the future would hold? Not sure, but I was certain of one thing. I would face my future with this man by my side. For today....for now.....that's all I needed to know.
Kathy was searching. Over the past several days, we had many opportunities to talk. She missed her husband so much. Why had the Lord taken her soulmate? It was a question I couldn't answer, but she gladly accepted the Bible that KK had brought to me days earlier. I prayed that she would find the truth that she was so desperately seeking.
There were several others that I had grown to adore in such a short time. I would leave that day with a very different perspective. Wonderful people struggle with psychological issues, some stemming from mental illness, others just simply from "life" and the difficulties that life can bring. As I hugged their necks and walked out those doors to a freedom I had once taken for granted, I knew that I was leaving a world that held a lot of pain....not a place I necessarily wanted to return, but a place I was thankful was a part of my journey. A place I would never forget.
I said my goodbyes and walked into the lobby. Mmmmm.....there he was, my rock, my best friend, my sweet husband of 27 years. I was so glad to see the smile on his face. His warm embrace told me he was ready for me to come home. We walked outside and it was unusually warm for November. As we drove out on the familiar street in my little convertible Mazda, I became strangely terrified....terrified that I would see someone I knew. Was I ready for this? Was I ready for the uncertainty that the future would hold? Not sure, but I was certain of one thing. I would face my future with this man by my side. For today....for now.....that's all I needed to know.
A Reflection....
I'm sitting in a small bistro cafe in Puerto Vallerta and can't help but reflect on the yesterdays of my life. I just spent 5 days with special friends that know me so well....that know me for who I am....that refused to stop believing in me, even though I reached a point that I couldn't believe in myself....friends that are not afraid to wallow through the trenches with me, yet rejoice with me in the smallest of triumphs. As they left this morning to board a plane for home, we held hands and praised God for moments spent together....moments that we no longer take for granted. There's an unspoken knowledge that it is by the grace of our Lord that we share this time. And we are thankful.
Tomorrow my family arrives to join me in Mexico. To tell you the truth, I couldn't feel more blessed than I do at this moment. I know that a lot of women don't have the support system that I have and I am aware of that fact as I write of my healing. I guess I truly believe that we are to remain focused on Him and then He sends exactly what He wants and who He wants at precisely the right time. That's just the way He does things. He has allowed me the opportunity to 'invest' much of myself in other people....it's something I love, and He has allowed others to pour themselves into my life. It's really nothing short of incredible.
Tomorrow my family arrives to join me in Mexico. To tell you the truth, I couldn't feel more blessed than I do at this moment. I know that a lot of women don't have the support system that I have and I am aware of that fact as I write of my healing. I guess I truly believe that we are to remain focused on Him and then He sends exactly what He wants and who He wants at precisely the right time. That's just the way He does things. He has allowed me the opportunity to 'invest' much of myself in other people....it's something I love, and He has allowed others to pour themselves into my life. It's really nothing short of incredible.
AWAY FOR A BIT...
For those that follow my blog, I want you to know that I'm not slackin'....I'm in Mexico on an unbelievable vacation. The first week is spent with friends that went through this experience with me whom I love and adore and whom I've known since high school *we are all turning 50 this summer....and the second week is with family. They have been and continue to be my rock. I am blessed. If I can get access to internet where we are staying, I will continue to add to my story. I'm anxious to share my healing...quite simply, because it's amazing! Certainly not because of anything that I've done, but because of my Lord and because of the incredible support system that He has given me.
Another thought....
I realized this morning that there is one area that I have not given enough attention to.... that is professional help. I believe that the Lord has given professional counselors and psychiatrists a gift that should be utilized. When my hormone issues began 2 years ago while completing my degree, etc., I sought counseling and was helped so very much in dealing with my issues. However, once I slipped into deep depression while my estrogen levels were dropping so rapidly, I became very stubborn in getting professional help. To be honest, I was afraid to go once I realized just how bad I was. I knew that if they sensed that I was suicidal, they would have me committed. I had just started a new job teaching. I couldn't take that chance. I was wrong in that decision. If you are struggling with depression, please allow others to help you no matter how much 'dignity' you may risk losing. "But what will people think? That I'm crazy??" No, they will think you are humble enough to ask for help. Don't let your pride get in the way. You see where it got me! Just because you are relying on your Lord or on your family, don't allow your emotions to make your decisions for you. You are not in a position for 'wisdom'. Choose someone that you trust and if you don't know of a good counselor, email me and I will give you a couple of names in the OKC area.
Chapter 23
The following are journal entries that I am taking word for word from my 'make do' journal the last two days of my stay. There are so many details of those days that are still foggy to me and I want to be accurate in what took place and more important, what my thoughts were during that time. It's hard for me to write them in this blog but I want to be transparent...it's extremely humbling, but this whole experience has humbled me. It's a harsh reality of what depression does to so many.
Journal entry, 8 am, Thursday
Well, I'm still at the nuthouse. I got a new roommate in the middle of the night. She's a few years older than me. She's still sleeping. She didn't go to breakfast. I can't blame her, I was there only days before. She looks familiar. I don't know, maybe we all start to look the same after a while. ha! God, I'm so much better and I thank you for that. I can laugh with the people here. We played dominoes last night until they made us go to bed. Joe is an interesting 21 year old that has been in and out of facilities for several years. It sounds like he comes from a good family. He's smart, he's cute, and he's very personable. God, there are so many 'normal' people hurting. A new girl, Cindy, shared yesterday in group how she was here again after a year's time, exactly. One year ago it was because her husband died unexpectedly. She spoke of their time together and how she spiraled into depression after his death. She was here this time because of a suicide attempt. It was the anniversary of his death and she couldn't take the pain anymore. My heart broke for her. It broke for her in a way that it wouldn't have in days past.
Journal entry, 6pm, Thursday
I sit and wait for friends and family to come to see me. Just one more hour. It's the highlight of my day. The things we take for granted. I haven't been outside for 48 hours. I miss the warm sun hitting my face. Is this really happening? I just keep wishing I would wake up. If only I had my hormone levels checked and rechecked after my surgery. Did it truly have to come to this? I was digging into the Word and seeking Your face daily...why didn't I receive discernment? I guess it would make more sense if I wasn't looking into Your eyes everyday. Somewhere I missed it. Even though I know this is not a 'spiritual' battle...it is biological and chemical, it just leaves me wondering if I missed something.
My roommate is so sad. She reminds me of when I first arrived here only a few days ago when I felt so alone. I've worked hard at making her feel 'at home'. She's starting to respond to me. I knew that I recognized her. She was a television personality a few years ago. She was brought here against her will by her daughter after suffering from depression and having suicidal thoughts. I have a heartfelt compassion for her. She's beginning to respond to me. Use me Lord.
9:30pm, Thursday
I feel very numb to a lot of things right now. It was good to see so many friends and family tonight and be with them. I know I look so bad. My hair is, well it's my hair at its finest, no make up, and I'm sure I've lost a lot of weight since I've been here. My doctor started me on a pill to increase my hunger last night. I haven't eaten anything....I mean NOTHING since I got here on Sunday. Until tonight. OK, that pill kicked in big time. At approximately 5pm, I ate every bite of my food at dinner. The guys were a bit disappointed as I usually give them my food. Then tonight at 'snack time', I ate 3 sandwiches, 2 bananas, 1 bowl of cereal, 2 graham crackers, and 2 containers of ice cream. Yes, indeed, the pill kicked in. This still feels like a dream. The shame is almost unbearable. I lay in this bed and I look at the bare wall in front of me and I still can't believe I'm in this place. I actually lost my mind. How am I supposed to live with that fact? Will I ever respect myself again? How do I start over? God, your voice seems pretty quiet, or maybe my shame won't allow me to approach You like I'd like to. I need Your touch right now. I need to know that You've forgiven me. I want to go home, but I'm scared. I'm afraid I'll crash again. I'm afraid I'll let my shame get the best of me. I'm so afraid. But truth be known, I've been afraid for quite some time. Please help me to rest. Quiet my mind. I just need peace. I don't feel the depression that I had come to know well for several weeks, but yet I feel so exposed. I guess I'm disgusted that I allowed myself to become so weak. And even worse? That I allowed others to see me at my weakest.
Journal entry, 8 am, Thursday
Well, I'm still at the nuthouse. I got a new roommate in the middle of the night. She's a few years older than me. She's still sleeping. She didn't go to breakfast. I can't blame her, I was there only days before. She looks familiar. I don't know, maybe we all start to look the same after a while. ha! God, I'm so much better and I thank you for that. I can laugh with the people here. We played dominoes last night until they made us go to bed. Joe is an interesting 21 year old that has been in and out of facilities for several years. It sounds like he comes from a good family. He's smart, he's cute, and he's very personable. God, there are so many 'normal' people hurting. A new girl, Cindy, shared yesterday in group how she was here again after a year's time, exactly. One year ago it was because her husband died unexpectedly. She spoke of their time together and how she spiraled into depression after his death. She was here this time because of a suicide attempt. It was the anniversary of his death and she couldn't take the pain anymore. My heart broke for her. It broke for her in a way that it wouldn't have in days past.
Journal entry, 6pm, Thursday
I sit and wait for friends and family to come to see me. Just one more hour. It's the highlight of my day. The things we take for granted. I haven't been outside for 48 hours. I miss the warm sun hitting my face. Is this really happening? I just keep wishing I would wake up. If only I had my hormone levels checked and rechecked after my surgery. Did it truly have to come to this? I was digging into the Word and seeking Your face daily...why didn't I receive discernment? I guess it would make more sense if I wasn't looking into Your eyes everyday. Somewhere I missed it. Even though I know this is not a 'spiritual' battle...it is biological and chemical, it just leaves me wondering if I missed something.
My roommate is so sad. She reminds me of when I first arrived here only a few days ago when I felt so alone. I've worked hard at making her feel 'at home'. She's starting to respond to me. I knew that I recognized her. She was a television personality a few years ago. She was brought here against her will by her daughter after suffering from depression and having suicidal thoughts. I have a heartfelt compassion for her. She's beginning to respond to me. Use me Lord.
9:30pm, Thursday
I feel very numb to a lot of things right now. It was good to see so many friends and family tonight and be with them. I know I look so bad. My hair is, well it's my hair at its finest, no make up, and I'm sure I've lost a lot of weight since I've been here. My doctor started me on a pill to increase my hunger last night. I haven't eaten anything....I mean NOTHING since I got here on Sunday. Until tonight. OK, that pill kicked in big time. At approximately 5pm, I ate every bite of my food at dinner. The guys were a bit disappointed as I usually give them my food. Then tonight at 'snack time', I ate 3 sandwiches, 2 bananas, 1 bowl of cereal, 2 graham crackers, and 2 containers of ice cream. Yes, indeed, the pill kicked in. This still feels like a dream. The shame is almost unbearable. I lay in this bed and I look at the bare wall in front of me and I still can't believe I'm in this place. I actually lost my mind. How am I supposed to live with that fact? Will I ever respect myself again? How do I start over? God, your voice seems pretty quiet, or maybe my shame won't allow me to approach You like I'd like to. I need Your touch right now. I need to know that You've forgiven me. I want to go home, but I'm scared. I'm afraid I'll crash again. I'm afraid I'll let my shame get the best of me. I'm so afraid. But truth be known, I've been afraid for quite some time. Please help me to rest. Quiet my mind. I just need peace. I don't feel the depression that I had come to know well for several weeks, but yet I feel so exposed. I guess I'm disgusted that I allowed myself to become so weak. And even worse? That I allowed others to see me at my weakest.
Journal entry, Friday morning
I am still struggling with what I've done and the impact that it will have on my life and my relationships. I can't help but wonder if even those that know me best and know me for who I truly am will look differently at me in the days ahead. I'm so sorry that I've put them through my hell. I certainly don't deserve their grace, but I'm not sure I will make it without it. My friends come to see me in this place, they look me in the eyes and they tell me that they believe in me. My brother came to see me. Tears filled his eyes as he said, "I know you, Kim. This isn't who you are. You've been sick, but you will get through this and I will stay by your side and make sure that happens." I am so blessed to have others in my life that refuse to give up on me. My mind goes over every detail that I can remember of Saturday night. I snapped. I will see the doctor this morning and I think he's going to release me to go home. Ugghhh... the very thought of it brings a sense of excitement and a sense of pure panic! Yesterday in group I shared that I want this whole nightmare of an experience to make me better, not worse. That is my prayer, Father. Do what You want to with this woman. I'm broken like I've never been broken before. I don't plan on being "in this place" for long. I long to heal. I long to grow. I long to be the best I can be. I've made choices over the past few weeks that even though I wasn't in my right mind, I am still responsible for. I have a lot to face in my tomorrows. grace.......that's a great word, grace.
Just some thoughts...
I have received several emails over the past couple of days and I feel led this morning to respond with some thoughts. I will continue with my story tomorrow...
First of all, it doesn't surprise me but saddens me that so many women are suffering. Ya know, we make it through our tough teen years and then somehow get through the season of being young adults with heartbreak and the pain of growing up that comes with it. Our kids bring joy to our lives (ok, most of the time :) they can also bring their share of heartache...) and we get through the tough times of marriage or perhaps start over due to the heartbreak that marriage can bring. We are stay-at-home moms that get few pats on the back or we are women with careers that we have worked hard to achieve respect in the workplace. Then we reach our 40's. We think...."Ok, now I can breathe easier. The toughest times of life are behind me." We are shocked into a reality that we would never be prepared for. Our bodies are changing (again...) and our minds follow suit. I don't say that to freak out the 30 something's that are reading this. But I gotta tell ya, I wish I would've known then what I know now. Perhaps it wouldn't have taken me so off guard. I wish I would have approached this season of my life with a touch more wisdom. Would the outcome have been any different? Not sure about that. But perhaps yours will be.
There are so many verses that I have clung to during this season of life. "Be still and know that I am God." worth repeating. "Be still and know that I am God." If you are going through a time of depression and/or hormonal imbalance, it becomes very easy to lean on those around you and want them to carry you through this. Fact is, the only one strong enough to carry this for you is Jesus Christ, your Lord, your Savior. Let Him be your Savior. If you can find yourself in the arms of Christ, your focus will change. You won't be able to take your eyes off of His. Please don't misunderstand me here....I'm not saying that by leaning on Christ, it will take the depression away. And I'm certainly not saying that your struggles have anything to do with your spiritual walk. This isn't happening as a result of anything you did to deserve this. It's not a punishment from God. But He alone can give you hope. He will get you through it, though you may feel beat up when it's said and done. There are so many times when you are in the midst of this that you feel abandoned by Him. But He knows you better than anyone else in your life and He will "never leave you nor forsake you." Others will support you in love, no doubt about that. That's the way it should be. As Christian women, we are to be there for each other. And our husbands? They can be the greatest support we could hope for, but the truth is...there is absolutely NO way they can 'get' what's going on. We don't understand it ourselves, how can we expect for the males in our lives to get it? We can't. And fact is, we need to give them the grace not to get it. Do we need grace during this time? Oh boy, probably more than we even know, but we must give it to others during this time as well. If your eyes are fixed on Him then they can't be gazing at other people and what they are or are not doing to make things better for you. There's another one that you must give grace to... yourself. It's a rude awakening to find that you are not the 'strong' woman you used to be. It's hard to look in the mirror and not feel disgusted at the woman you see. Let me say something here, sister. You must give yourself a huge amount of grace and accept who you see staring back at you. Begin to pray that not only others begin to see you through the eyes of Christ, but that you begin to see yourself through His eyes as well. This is an incredibly heavy load to carry. In fact, it's unbearable. Some fall under the weight and don't make it back up. It destroys. But the good news???? There IS victory in this battle! You are not supposed to fail! The Lord has not set you up for failure. He has prepared you for victory. Take it. But few can do it alone. I've never seen anyone fight this battle alone and win. Crawl up into His arms. And then, 'be still and know that He is God." He will send you who you need when you need them. Keep your eyes focused on Him. HE is all you need. You are not alone.
First of all, it doesn't surprise me but saddens me that so many women are suffering. Ya know, we make it through our tough teen years and then somehow get through the season of being young adults with heartbreak and the pain of growing up that comes with it. Our kids bring joy to our lives (ok, most of the time :) they can also bring their share of heartache...) and we get through the tough times of marriage or perhaps start over due to the heartbreak that marriage can bring. We are stay-at-home moms that get few pats on the back or we are women with careers that we have worked hard to achieve respect in the workplace. Then we reach our 40's. We think...."Ok, now I can breathe easier. The toughest times of life are behind me." We are shocked into a reality that we would never be prepared for. Our bodies are changing (again...) and our minds follow suit. I don't say that to freak out the 30 something's that are reading this. But I gotta tell ya, I wish I would've known then what I know now. Perhaps it wouldn't have taken me so off guard. I wish I would have approached this season of my life with a touch more wisdom. Would the outcome have been any different? Not sure about that. But perhaps yours will be.
There are so many verses that I have clung to during this season of life. "Be still and know that I am God." worth repeating. "Be still and know that I am God." If you are going through a time of depression and/or hormonal imbalance, it becomes very easy to lean on those around you and want them to carry you through this. Fact is, the only one strong enough to carry this for you is Jesus Christ, your Lord, your Savior. Let Him be your Savior. If you can find yourself in the arms of Christ, your focus will change. You won't be able to take your eyes off of His. Please don't misunderstand me here....I'm not saying that by leaning on Christ, it will take the depression away. And I'm certainly not saying that your struggles have anything to do with your spiritual walk. This isn't happening as a result of anything you did to deserve this. It's not a punishment from God. But He alone can give you hope. He will get you through it, though you may feel beat up when it's said and done. There are so many times when you are in the midst of this that you feel abandoned by Him. But He knows you better than anyone else in your life and He will "never leave you nor forsake you." Others will support you in love, no doubt about that. That's the way it should be. As Christian women, we are to be there for each other. And our husbands? They can be the greatest support we could hope for, but the truth is...there is absolutely NO way they can 'get' what's going on. We don't understand it ourselves, how can we expect for the males in our lives to get it? We can't. And fact is, we need to give them the grace not to get it. Do we need grace during this time? Oh boy, probably more than we even know, but we must give it to others during this time as well. If your eyes are fixed on Him then they can't be gazing at other people and what they are or are not doing to make things better for you. There's another one that you must give grace to... yourself. It's a rude awakening to find that you are not the 'strong' woman you used to be. It's hard to look in the mirror and not feel disgusted at the woman you see. Let me say something here, sister. You must give yourself a huge amount of grace and accept who you see staring back at you. Begin to pray that not only others begin to see you through the eyes of Christ, but that you begin to see yourself through His eyes as well. This is an incredibly heavy load to carry. In fact, it's unbearable. Some fall under the weight and don't make it back up. It destroys. But the good news???? There IS victory in this battle! You are not supposed to fail! The Lord has not set you up for failure. He has prepared you for victory. Take it. But few can do it alone. I've never seen anyone fight this battle alone and win. Crawl up into His arms. And then, 'be still and know that He is God." He will send you who you need when you need them. Keep your eyes focused on Him. HE is all you need. You are not alone.
Chapter 22
Journal entry, Wednesday morning
I had a lot of visitors again last night and it helped me to hear their words of grace and acceptance. I can't believe I have put them through this. I am faced this morning with the reality that I ran off a friend. Ugghh. How do I get over the shame and embarrassment of that? My heart is broken. It hit me at the core of who I am. I have always attracted friends, not run them off. Today I can't focus on that. My mind feels different this morning. I feel more clear. I think the hormone patch has kicked in. It's almost like I can breathe again. Can I really be that dependent on hormones? All I know is that I feel better. My roommate is going home this morning. I will miss her. I have had the opportunity to pray with her over the past few days. I think she's going to go to Celebrate Recovery at Western Oaks. I told her I would go with her if she wanted me to. We'll see. Father, please help her to stay strong. Help her to lean on you. Use me in any way you want to in the days ahead to be your arms to her. I can't believe how my eyes have been opened to "the other side". There are definitely some crazies in here, but for the most part it's full of people just like me that need some temporary help. I am making some dear friends in this place. I have found the strength to laugh again. They have touched my life. I wish I would have let my friends talk me into coming here a couple of weeks ago. They would've had to drag me here by my nappy head of hair. I feel safe in this place. Who knew?
Journal entry, Wednesday afternoon
I just got back from being outside. The small things in life that we take for granted. I felt like a little kid when the activities director announced overhead that today's activity time would be held outside. My insides lept with excitement! Wierd, the different perspective I have in this place.
I had a lot of visitors again last night and it helped me to hear their words of grace and acceptance. I can't believe I have put them through this. I am faced this morning with the reality that I ran off a friend. Ugghh. How do I get over the shame and embarrassment of that? My heart is broken. It hit me at the core of who I am. I have always attracted friends, not run them off. Today I can't focus on that. My mind feels different this morning. I feel more clear. I think the hormone patch has kicked in. It's almost like I can breathe again. Can I really be that dependent on hormones? All I know is that I feel better. My roommate is going home this morning. I will miss her. I have had the opportunity to pray with her over the past few days. I think she's going to go to Celebrate Recovery at Western Oaks. I told her I would go with her if she wanted me to. We'll see. Father, please help her to stay strong. Help her to lean on you. Use me in any way you want to in the days ahead to be your arms to her. I can't believe how my eyes have been opened to "the other side". There are definitely some crazies in here, but for the most part it's full of people just like me that need some temporary help. I am making some dear friends in this place. I have found the strength to laugh again. They have touched my life. I wish I would have let my friends talk me into coming here a couple of weeks ago. They would've had to drag me here by my nappy head of hair. I feel safe in this place. Who knew?
Journal entry, Wednesday afternoon
I just got back from being outside. The small things in life that we take for granted. I felt like a little kid when the activities director announced overhead that today's activity time would be held outside. My insides lept with excitement! Wierd, the different perspective I have in this place.
The depression is lifting and I can't believe how much better I feel! But it doesn't keep my mind from playing and replaying the events of Saturday night. Oh God, how do I get past the shame? How do I face the outside world again? I wonder who knows about it and what they must be saying. I hope my boys aren't having to hear anything about it at school. Bethany's a small town. Everyone knows everything. Please protect them, Father. I don't want them to have to experience any shame because of what I did. When I met with the doctor this morning, he was amazed at how much 'different' I was. He said that this has been very educational for him. He knew that hormones play a big role in women's lives, but the fact that I started my estrogen patch yesterday and the huge difference in how I looked today and even how I spoke was proof to him. He said that I have a sparkle in my eyes this morning that I didn't have yesterday morning. He spoke to Mark on the phone while I was in the office and they decided together that although I was so much better, they would both feel better if I stayed a couple more days. Mark admitted that he was not quite ready for me to come home yet. That didn't hurt my feelings. I understand. I'm not sure I'm ready yet. I talked to Logan later and he said that he was excited that I might get to come home on Friday. Home....bittersweet.
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