Chapter 31: the story ends, but the healing continues

I mentioned earlier that I'm not "all better" and truth is, I probably never will be. But you know what? That's ok. This woman that once controlled her circumstances and in a 'humble' way :) thought she was invincible, is indeed changed. I will never be the same. You have heard me refer frequently to this as a battle. If you have experienced emotional struggles or if you are in the midst of it, you relate to that word. You can certainly come out a victor, but it doesn't mean you won't have wounds....deep wounds, life-changing wounds. Those wounds usually leave evidence of the raging effects of what you experienced. Don't be ashamed of your scars. You will try to hide them and that's understandable, but at some point another will see your scars, and it will give her the courage to unveil her own wounds. Some may still be fresh.....opened.....even bleeding, but it won't cause you to look away in disgust. You will connect with her in a different way. You tell her of your own battle, as I have mine....the ugliness of it, the repeated times I was knocked down, sometimes not certain I would ever get up, the chaos of it all, the fear that gripped me and I knew I was done, only to feel someone lift my weak body and carry me. Wow, someone is actually carrying me! Don't they know they're getting 'blood' all over themselves? Don't they realize this battle may last for a while? Oh man, they're slowing down, they are weakening..."oh God, please don't let them lay me back down on this familiar battlefield, I don't think I can do it, I'm too weak, I'm tired." Wait a minute, they've stopped, but they're not laying me down. Really? They're gently putting me on someone else's back. I look up and I look around. I see familiar faces. Some that I haven't seen in years, but they heard I was in trouble and they came, they came to help. Some are helping carry me, others are clearing a path to make it easier, some are wiping my brow, others are placing pressure to my wounds as they bleed, while others are simply running next to me. I can hear them pray. I hear their words of encouragement. They are cheering....literally cheering me on. Why? I'm embarrassed and ashamed that so many are seeing me in such a pathetic state, but at the same time, I'm thankful. So thankful. As my gaze looks to the right and the left, I am amazed. But then I look straight ahead. I see Him. And I suddenly realize why they are all here. He has called them. He gathered them on my behalf. He is leading the way. He looks back at me and catches my eyes as they look around frantically. He patiently waits for my eyes to lock onto His. I can't explain what happened at that moment, except all the sudden it didn't matter that I was bleeding all over the place, that the pain was becoming unbearable, and that I was so very exposed. As long as I focused on His eyes, I felt a strange sense of hope and I knew, I just knew I would come out of this. I was going to make it. It wouldn't be pretty. A battle never is. And I wouldn't be the only one to have wounds from this battle. Others would suffer. When I see their scars, it would be a painful reminder of what I put them through, of what they went through on my behalf. But perhaps they too would be forever changed as a result of my battle. Maybe stronger, perhaps a little wiser, and hopefully grateful....grateful that they were chosen by Him to help carry out a plan to give one of His children a future and a hope.

There is no way I can thank all that have been involved in my struggles over the past 2 years, nor in my healing over the previous months. I see them differently. There's a bond between us that will never be broken. I look at Mark and I see a man that has strength beyond himself and yet the gentleness of Christ. Our relationship is built on a new sense of grace and understanding. We don't just enjoy each other, we fellowship with each other. He has chosen not to read this blog. Understandably so. It's too fresh and still too painful to relive. I adore this man. He is the real deal. I've never been more certain of anything.
My children. They have poured out more grace than I've deserved. They truly love me unconditionally. Luke and Logan are typical guys that don't necessarily feel the need to talk about their deepest emotions....go figure, huh? But, we do talk, a lot more. And they aren't afraid to talk about the real issues of life. And they don't hesitate to joke with me about my past and find opportune times to 'threaten a visit back to the nuthouse'. We love to laugh together. And then there's Sara. My sweet drama queen. Well, if this didn't provide her with a little drama, I'm not sure what would! She has been an incredible support to me, even in the toughest of times. She could have drowned in self-pity, but instead chose to stay afloat and refuse to give up on me. We have lived and loved and lost together. She knows her mother on a whole different level now. I'm not sure every 19 year old girl could handle that, but Sara has displayed nothing but gentleness and grace every step of the way. My children have experienced life in ways that parents don't wish upon their kiddos. My prayer is that one day they will look back upon this season of their lives and see that the Lord used this time to mold them and shape them into people that aren't afraid to face trials. I pray that they have a deep sense of compassion and understanding for the hurting that they may not have known otherwise. I pray they find their hearts softened within a hardened society.

Bless you, sweet friends of mine. You have touched this woman in unbelievable ways. For those of you that saw your friend lose her mind, I will never forget your kindness, your gentleness, and your never-ending grace. Thank you for your loyalty, for your devotion, for your prayers of power, and for your sacrifice. When I look into your faces, I see a perfect reflection of Christ. As I heal, you encourage me to 'remove the coat' of shame. You don't look at me and shake your head. You look at me and I know....I know that we share something, something so rare and so genuine. We shared a season of life together. You are a gift to me. Every stinkin' one of you! :)

My healing continues. I'm sure it will continue until the day I die. There are many that weren't even aware of my struggles during that time, but you have been used in mighty ways during my healing. You have helped me look into the mirror and see myself through the eyes of Christ. That's huge. You have met me for coffee at all hours just to tell me that you believe in me. There are still days that I struggle....badly. And on those days, I give myself a little more grace. I allow myself to hurt. I allow myself to feel shame. But then I choose to stand on both feet, to refocus my gaze, and to set my feet on solid ground...and walk.

Like the song says, "He knew I'd need a Savior". On October 31st, 2009, He gave me one. And so, "I will give with the life that I've been given...to touch a world that's broken....to be Your hands and feet..." I pray that this blog has touched the broken. I pray that hope may be restored through its words. I pray that you will allow my Lord to speak truth to you in your situation and that you will once and for all find victory. As one of my favorite authors, Tommy Tenney says, "You can never become who you are supposed to be without a victory, and there is no victory without a battle."

I have received numerous emails (it's listed on my profile) and facebook messages telling me how the Lord is using this blog in their lives or in the life of someone they've passed it on to. All I can say to that is, "Praise God"! I know there are so many women that suffer from hormonal issues, emotional issues, mental issues and as I have shared, I now have a very different perspective on these issues. I would encourage you to 'comment' on the blog because it gives other women hope and comfort to know that they are not alone. I have begun praying daily for those that write, either by email, facebook, or comment. I am committed to lifting you before my Lord and interceeding on your behalf. You are not alone. Did you hear me? You are not alone.

If the Lord lays something on my heart, I will add to the blog. In the meantime, I ask for your prayers that the Lord will annoint this blog for His glory and that He would lead hurting women to it. If you know of someone that is in pain or perhaps another that is struggling to find the strength to help another, please feel free to pass it on. I am going to utilize one more chapter for bible verses and/or quotes from which I have found hope and healing.