Abraham simply remained true to God, even willing to sacrifice his son. He was steadfast, he was true. No big show about how faithful he was to God. He was true even if it was contrary to his own belief system, even if it made no sense from a human point of view...I mean really, kill his own son? He was quietly ready to do anything the Lord asked of him. And the Lord purified his faith. Oh Father God, that's what I want more than anything this world can offer me. I want my life to be purified, I want to know You on a whole different level, I want to be so tender to Your spirit that I don't miss anything or any word You have for me. Purify my faith, Father.
Journal entry, 4/25/10
It feels like You've called me to a season of isolation....isolation with You. I feel alone, but I know You are drawing me closer and closer to You. I know You gave me numerous wonderful friends, but for now, I am to be quiet...I am to seek Your face on a whole different level. And if You choose to lift me to higher places, praise God. I will wait for that day. If You choose to leave me in isolation, I will keep my eyes on You and I will only ask that You keep my spirit from breaking, keep my heart from breaking, and purify me....purify my faith. Make me into the woman You want me to be. Be God like never before in this woman's life. Be God.
"Friends often ask me, "Do you feel back to normal?" Hmmmm......that's a tough question to answer because to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I know what 'normal' feels like anymore. I've been to hell and back. Normal will never look the same.
We all have faced our own pain and difficulties in life. Some more intense than others. I've had my share of loss and pain in my life. My sweet friend, DC and I were discussing this issue. She had some great insight. She too has suffered loss and disappointment through the years. She said, "the journey of healing is so very different for those going through a traumatic loss that affects your self-esteem, your worth, your self-respect and the respect of others. It is so much more difficult to heal from a loss if there is shame involved." How true. I guess that's why those going through the pain of divorce say, "Death would have been easier to take." My eyes have been opened to the pain that the aftermath of depression can bring. Even if there are no attempts of suicide, there is the shame of being 'needy', of lying in a dark room all day while the rest of the world goes on living, knowing that you appear pathetic and helpless and not having the strength to change, and the pain of wondering if your children will be forever affected by their mother's illness. To say that it is a humbling experience is such an understatement. The illness of depression and/or anxiety can take a strong, confident woman that lives to be an encourager to those around her....and break her into a weak and scared individual that those around her don't even recognize anymore. It can crush the toughest spirit. It can cause a woman surrounded by love to feel completely alone. It can take a woman that attempts to live each moment by faith to feel abandoned by her Lord. It can turn your world upside down...and you're left with, 'what now'?
I'm going to be very transparent here. I'm not going to say that I'm 'all better' after several months of recovery. But I am healing. I don't wish what I've experienced on anyone. But the fact is, there are so many women that although my story may differ somewhat, suffers daily from hormonal issues, depression, anxiety, or other emotional and mental issues. And let's face it, there is a stigma that goes along with it. It's hard to understand, but I guess it's human nature. When we have physical hardship, people don't hesitate to run to our aid, but mental and emotional hardship scares people. Most are not quite sure what to do with it. Even some that have experienced it themselves seem to forget the pain of being misunderstood. But I would encourage you to extend grace to others. Allow them to be human. And then determine to allow this experience to change you.....for the better. Back to the transparency thing.....I would be lying if I said that I don't have times of anger. There were responses to my pain that I will never understand. I struggle with the disloyalty. So, yes. There continues to be moments of anger, of disappointment, of shame. But I choose not to focus on those feelings. I choose to focus on my healing. I choose to focus on those that need me to believe in myself. I choose to focus on my Lord. After all, His honor is at stake.
Friends tell me that I am different....a little more distant. I am more to myself than I've ever been. Don't get me wrong, I am still a 'girl's girl'. I love my friends. But this experience did in fact change me. I look at life differently. I look at love with more intimacy. I enjoy the peace that engulfs my mind and I am strangely satisfied with being still....being quiet. I embrace the gift of laughter.....oh, what a gift. I cherish the hugs and kisses of those who love me. The breeze (ok, the strong oklahoma wind:) even feels different to me. I am forever changed. I will live the life that I've been given.....
We all have faced our own pain and difficulties in life. Some more intense than others. I've had my share of loss and pain in my life. My sweet friend, DC and I were discussing this issue. She had some great insight. She too has suffered loss and disappointment through the years. She said, "the journey of healing is so very different for those going through a traumatic loss that affects your self-esteem, your worth, your self-respect and the respect of others. It is so much more difficult to heal from a loss if there is shame involved." How true. I guess that's why those going through the pain of divorce say, "Death would have been easier to take." My eyes have been opened to the pain that the aftermath of depression can bring. Even if there are no attempts of suicide, there is the shame of being 'needy', of lying in a dark room all day while the rest of the world goes on living, knowing that you appear pathetic and helpless and not having the strength to change, and the pain of wondering if your children will be forever affected by their mother's illness. To say that it is a humbling experience is such an understatement. The illness of depression and/or anxiety can take a strong, confident woman that lives to be an encourager to those around her....and break her into a weak and scared individual that those around her don't even recognize anymore. It can crush the toughest spirit. It can cause a woman surrounded by love to feel completely alone. It can take a woman that attempts to live each moment by faith to feel abandoned by her Lord. It can turn your world upside down...and you're left with, 'what now'?
I'm going to be very transparent here. I'm not going to say that I'm 'all better' after several months of recovery. But I am healing. I don't wish what I've experienced on anyone. But the fact is, there are so many women that although my story may differ somewhat, suffers daily from hormonal issues, depression, anxiety, or other emotional and mental issues. And let's face it, there is a stigma that goes along with it. It's hard to understand, but I guess it's human nature. When we have physical hardship, people don't hesitate to run to our aid, but mental and emotional hardship scares people. Most are not quite sure what to do with it. Even some that have experienced it themselves seem to forget the pain of being misunderstood. But I would encourage you to extend grace to others. Allow them to be human. And then determine to allow this experience to change you.....for the better. Back to the transparency thing.....I would be lying if I said that I don't have times of anger. There were responses to my pain that I will never understand. I struggle with the disloyalty. So, yes. There continues to be moments of anger, of disappointment, of shame. But I choose not to focus on those feelings. I choose to focus on my healing. I choose to focus on those that need me to believe in myself. I choose to focus on my Lord. After all, His honor is at stake.
Friends tell me that I am different....a little more distant. I am more to myself than I've ever been. Don't get me wrong, I am still a 'girl's girl'. I love my friends. But this experience did in fact change me. I look at life differently. I look at love with more intimacy. I enjoy the peace that engulfs my mind and I am strangely satisfied with being still....being quiet. I embrace the gift of laughter.....oh, what a gift. I cherish the hugs and kisses of those who love me. The breeze (ok, the strong oklahoma wind:) even feels different to me. I am forever changed. I will live the life that I've been given.....
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