Chapter 26

The day I left the nuthouse, the psychiatrist highly recommend that I go to an outpatient day treatment program. They called and set me up to start that week. I would be required to go Monday through Friday, 8am-4pm. I was reluctant to go. I just wanted to put the 'event' behind me and move on. Although the group sessions helped tremendously while inpatient, I was tired of talking about it. The last thing I wanted to do is to hash and rehash the same stuff for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I showed up on Monday morning and by noon had decided this was not for me. I felt I had gotten the help I needed and was ready to go back to work, teach the students, and get into a routine again. I called after lunch break and told them I wouldn't be returning. I met with my fellow teacher, NP later that afternoon for coffee. She was troubled to hear that I was determined not to go back to the sessions. Although I had only known NP for a few months, we became very close, very quickly. We both had a passion for nursing and a passion for teaching that created a bond in a short amount of time. The night I decided to end it all, I received a text from her while I sat in the ER that said, "I'm on my way." Mark had called to let her know what had taken place. I replied with, "I'm so sorry, N. You don't have to come." Her reply? "That's what friends do." This was particularly touching because, you see, NP's best friend had committed suicide ten years earlier. For the next week, I was blown away by her support to me while in the facility. I told her, "I understand if you need to be colleagues only and not friends. I get that." She said, "Absolutely not, Kim. I love and care about you. I'm here for you." Wow. But her tone changed when I told her that I would not be returning to the day treatment program. Doesn't she see that I'm much better? Doesn't she understand that it was just hormones? Before the conversation ended, I told her that I would return the next day and continue with the program. I didn't do it. From that point on, our relationship changed. Let me say something loud and strong here to anyone that is suffering from depression or any other emotional or mental issue. Even if you feel that you are 'better' and out of danger.....you not only owe it to yourself, but you owe it to everyone that has stood beside you to get ALL of the help you can get. Even though I felt better, I was not in a position to make that decision. My friend NP had been touched by suicide and its effects, yet she stayed on this difficult path with me. But once I made the decision to stop receiving help, her trust in me was broken. And she was right. She deserved the peace of mind to know that her friend was complete emotionally and mentally. It was a selfish decision I made. It was a decision that I would regret.

There has been a tremendous amount of healing between NP and myself and for that I'm thankful. She is an unbelievable teacher and has taught me so much.....and not just in the classroom. Looking back at this journey, there are so many moments and decisions that I wish I could change, but the fact is, I cannot. All I can do is try to forgive myself and consider it remarkable when others forgive me as well.