Chapter 19

"I've seen thousands of people from all walks of life sitting in the chair that you are in at this moment. I've heard every story in an effort to seek attention, in an effort to get medication, stories that I hear and I filter out the lies and the manipulation. But, young lady, you are the real deal. You are as real as they come. I'm going to do whatever it takes to help you." I had waited in a chair that sat outside the psychiatrist's office where they told me to wait my turn, and I wondered what this doctor would say to me. Would he give me some 'happy pills' and dismiss me so that he could get through the long list of patients to be seen? I never dreamed that those would be the words I would hear. I told him of my hormonal imbalance and what Dr. W had told me about my neuron receptors. He told me that due to his little knowledge of hormones, he would call Dr. W and they would decide together what would be the most effective treatment. He explained that literally a portion of my brain had "shut down" several days before and would like to do 'shock therapy' to "restart" it, but they no longer did shock therapy at this facility. Instead, he would start me on Ritalin, which would do the same thing. He explained that with ADHD patients, it calms them. With others, it "revs" them up and gives the brain a jump start. He looked directly in my eyes and said, "Kim, are you feeling shame for what's happened?" I cried and he let me cry for several minutes before he spoke again. "Let me ask you something. Would you feel shame if you had suffered a heart attack Saturday night?" "No. But I wouldn't be locked up in the hospital if I had had a heart attack either." "You are very sick. You've had absolutely no control over what has happened in your life over the past several months. No more than if your heart was failing and you had a massive heart attack," he said. "I want you to remember that." I left with a glimmer of hope. This man is going to help me. The row of people waiting to be seen had increased quite a bit. They watched me as I walked to my room. Jay caught my eye. He smiled at me. I felt a twinge of guilt for being so rude yesterday.

At 10am the loudspeaker sounded again. "The west wing patients need to report to the lounge for 'group'". I would be going to group. The doctor made it very clear that I would be going. My roommate got out of bed, grunted something as she walked out of the room. A knock on the door. "Come on Kim. Group time. I'll show you where it's at." It was sweet Juanita. I'm a bit curious to see some of these other patients. I want to hear their 'crazy' stories.

There were about 15 people sitting in the chairs outlining the lounge area. I knew this room. This is where the 2 phones are. They had been taken off the hook for the meeting. They dangled by their short little cords. I remained oblivious to the reasoning. The leader of the group welcomed me and introduced himself as Ron. He was outgoing, in his 40's, and called all by name. He did this twice a day and knew these people well. I recognized several. I didn't know their names, but I knew their faces. Except Jay. I knew his name. And there's the sweet lady in the wheelchair. If she told me her name, it escaped me. And then there's my roommate. I don't even know her name. That day, I refer to her as "well rested".

I listened as each told their story of what brought them here, many of which were 'repeat' patients. Each account was different. Some cried. Some were visibly angry. Some were obviously 'drugged', slurring their words as they spoke. As I listened, I felt a strange sense of connection come over me. I was no better than any one of these people. At least for now, I am one of them. My heart began to soften. Ron said,"Kim, can you tell us what got you in this place?" I began to tell my story. I cried. My mind was still foggy, but I told the details as I remembered them. As I spoke, it felt strangely safe. When I was finished, I kept my head down. A voice I didn't recognize said, "Wow. Thank you for sharing that. I've seen you walk around for the past 2 days and saw your pain, but now I understand." He was an older gentleman that had spoken of an unfortunate bout with medication addiction and his battle with depression. After group was over, my roommate came to me, hugged me and said, "My name is Kay. Thank you for sharing. I'm here if you need me." Earlier she had told of her battle with alcohol dependence. She admitted herself. She wanted help. She was tearing her family apart and she genuinely wanted help. Jay walked toward me. He had spoken of his family having him admitted to this place. They said that he was acting 'odd'. His family caught him burning money and doing some other inappropriate things, like eating leaves. He spoke with articulation that showed exceptional intelligence. He was soft spoken and oozed with gentleness. As he approached me, I could see his hesitance as he held out his hand. I took his hand in both of mine and said, "I'm Kim." He smiled, "and I'm Jay. It's nice to meet you, Kim". I knew that an apology wasn't necessary. There was an unspoken understanding between us....between all of us.