Chapter 15

My eyes opened and I looked up at the blank ceiling. I didn't recognize it. Oh God, please tell me I'm waking up from a very bad dream. It was not a dream. It was a nightmare that was oh so true. The last several hours slowly began to reenter my mind. I remember being taken from the ER and placed into a vehicle to be taken to a facility. Yep, a nuthouse. As I said goodbye to Mark, he was emotionless. He was worn out. They told him that he could not go with me. The ride was quiet and desperately lonely. I began to cry and I'm not sure I stopped for the next 24-48 hours. After being strip-searched, every inch of my body inspected and incessantly questioned, I was shown to my room. I was not allowed to take anything with me. There was no TV, no radio, not even a clock. It was 3:30am, Sunday, November 1st, 2009. "Try to get some sleep," the nurse said as she shut the door. Sleep is something I hadn't done in weeks. My mind was racing with every emotion possible. I was incredibly exhausted, yet my insides were going ninety to nothin'. I was so angry that my plan had not succeeded while feeling a sense of shame and guilt that left me empty. I was numb yet hypersensitive to every thing I saw, everything I touched, the temperature of the room, and even the smells. My mind was full of questions, so many pieces of the past few days that were missing. One thing, however, was certain. I was alone. Very much alone.  As far as I knew at that moment, I had lost everything....everything.  Certainly my dignity.  That's a given.  But I had surely lost the trust and respect of so many, even perhaps my family.  My family....had I lost them too?  I lost my mind, not sure I would ever get it back.  And what of my freedom?  Is this the place I would come to know as home?   I cried out with all that I had in me,  'Oh my sweet Jesus.  Is this it, Father???  Is this really your perfect and complete will for my life??? Why couldn't you just have let me end my pain??  I just wanted to be with You. That's all.  Please please don't leave me. I'm so scared. Please hold me.' I curled up on a small, hard bed. What had been the single most lonely moment in my life also became the most intimate time with my Lord.  I felt His breath, literally felt His breath on my cheek. "Kim, You are My child!  You are my chosen servant!  Do not fear, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will help you. I will strengthen you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand!"  At the end of myself, the absolute end of myself....I closed my eyes and went to sleep.