Chapter 9

The next day I called Dr. W and made an appointment to go see him later that day. A couple of my friends had called Mark to tell him that he needed to go with me. The realization of just how bad I was began to sink in for them. Mark was in denial. It must be very tough to allow your mind to accept the fact that your wife is so very ill. This is a road he had never even come close to traveling with me. Surely my medication would kick in, the proteins would clear from the neuro receptors and soon all would be back to 'normal' again.

Mark called me and asked if he could go with me to see Dr. W. "No....I'll be fine. You don't need to go." I didn't want Mark to go with me because I was so afraid that the doctor would ask me if I was suicidal. I knew I could talk my way out of it if I were alone. He insisted on going.

Dr. W didn't ask me if I was suicidal that day. In fact, he never asked me that question. He changed my antidepressant. I asked him if we could draw some hormone levels. "That won't be of any benefit. I know what's happening." The independent, sassy nurse in me didn't bat an eye to his response. I went home to a dark room and crawled into bed.

Journal entry, Tuesday, October 27, 2009:
Today was a tough day. I am having difficulty focusing, unable to accomplish anything. I was sinking fast. I tried praying. I tried singing. Nothing would get me through it. I felt paralyzed. Logan just watched me. I curled up next to him and he loved on me. He knows I'm not right. As the night went by, Mark held me and I felt it settle over me. After Mark fixed me a sandwich, I took a shower and fell apart. I'm scared. My mind has been consumed all day with how I can take my life, how I could do it and hurt my family and hurt my friends the least. My brain feels so different. I can't think logically. I'm not sure I have good judgment right now. God help me. Lay me on people's hearts that can help me. I find it so hard to ask at this point. It must be disgusting to see me this way. Mark cried with me last night. I think he's scared, and quite honestly, for good reason. I don't trust myself right now. God help me.