I gotta be honest with you here. I dread writing this chapter. I am asking for guidance and wisdom as I do so. The day, Saturday, October 31st, 2009.....a day that, although many pieces are missing from my mind, will never be forgotten. It is a day that changed my life and those in my life forever. I would later learn that it was a day that my hormone levels would crash. If you remember, a few weeks ago I was told that my estrogen levels were at an astonishing level of 1000 (100x normal). When they stopped my estrogen completely due to the mini strokes, I went into "estrogen withdrawal". My estrogen went from 1000 to zero and I crashed....hard.
I woke up that Saturday morning intending to go kayaking with LH. She knew that I had been suffering and graciously offered to take me out on the lake for a day of relaxation. The weather was perfect. It was sunny. It was beautiful. I began to get ready and I could feel my spirits sink. Why???? I was about to go enjoy a day with a wonderful friend. Why would I feel this way? Mark sensed it. I cried and told him that I wasn't sure I could do it. He said, "Go. It will do you good." And it did. LH was so sweet as I spoke a little of what was going on. I didn't want to dwell on it. I needed a break from it and that's exactly what I got. The water was calm and so were my spirits. Thank you, Lord. This is just what I needed. Thank you.
My drive home was short. In fact, only about 5 minutes, tops. But that's all it took. By the time I reached home, I hit bottom. I was confused and frustrated. Lord, please don't let me go down again. Mark met me at the door. I can't keep doing this to him. He deserves more.
'Trunk or Treat', a special night of Halloween fun at my church would start soon. Although I had intended to go and help with the concessions, I knew I was not up for it. LM called. Her son was wheezing and coughing. "I'm not sure if I should take him to the ER or not. Can you bring your stethoscope with you when you come, listen to him and tell me if I need to take him?" I couldn't tell her that my pit of despair would prevent me from being able to do that. She knew that pit well. She organized the time of prayer for me that took place less than 48 hours earlier. I would go. Mark would take Logan and I, drop us off, and then would stay close to the phone, ready to come and get me when needed. I was always able to "push through" when in the presence of people. Most had no idea of the battle raging inside of me. That's the way I wanted it. A dear friend, TS had told me just the day before, "Kim, I've known you for 30 years. I've never seen you down....ever. Not even once."
As I walked around the festivities, I felt different. I felt numb. I couldn't force a smile, not tonight. I saw several of the precious friends that had gathered to pray for me. They loved on me. They encouraged me. Oh how I appreciate these precious women of God. They have lifted me up....they have laid me at the foot of the cross....they have believed in me at a time when I no longer believed in myself. But even as their warm arms embraced me, as their kind words filled my ears, I was numb. I walked into the worship center. It was dimly lit. It was quiet. My eyes went to the cross that was at a 'prayer station'. I made my way to the cross. A calm came over my spirit. I would be with my Lord soon. I would hold my sweet Molly tonight.
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