Chapter 14

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by your name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:1-3

At some point during the previous hour, my mind completely 'snapped'. I lost touch with all reality. Some of what happened over the next six hours, I remember very clearly. Other pieces of the story were told to me by those involved that night.

I called Mark to come and get me. I found RP and asked her to make sure that Logan got home. I told Logan good-bye, my mind never grasping the reality that it would be the last time I would see my youngest son. I was calm.

The ride home was quiet. Mark told me that he was going to stop and get me a hamburger. I hadn't eaten all day. In fact, I had not eaten much of anything over the past 3 weeks. As we arrived home, I looked to Mark and said, "Mark, will you trust me to go for a ride by myself? I would just like to go to the lake, eat my hamburger, and think for a little bit." He thought about it for a minute. "I'll trust you, Kim. But I need you to text me or call me every few minutes just to give me some peace of mind..so I know that you're ok." I agreed. As I pulled away from the house, there was no sense of grief, no guilt, there was no fear, there was very little emotion that I felt at that moment. I wasn't crying out to God to save me from myself. I laid the hamburger in the seat next to me. I wouldn't be eating it.

There were over 100 pills in my make-up bag. I knew it would take a lot to do what I intended, so I took the prescription to the drive up pharmacy and dropped it off. Another 60. I was told it would take 30 minutes. I left the drive through and pulled into a bank parking lot across the street to wait. It was about 7:45pm.

There were no suicide notes being written, no heartfelt farewells to my family or friends. My broken mind didn't even think to do those things. My family would have no real answers. They would never know what had gone so very wrong with the woman that they knew as strong and loving. Would they understand that this had nothing to do with them? Would they always wonder what they might have done differently to change the outcome? Those were not questions that my mind was pondering. I wasn't questioning, I wasn't planning. I just sat in the dark parking lot and stared. I didn't hear my phone signaling a text message. Nor did I hear the next, nor the next. What my sick mind didn't know at the time was that some of those text messages were coming from friends, randomly texting me. Later I would learn what they said.  One said, "The Lord just laid you on my heart. I'm praying for you." Another, "I don't know what's going on, Kim, but you are on my heart right now. I'm praying." I also was not aware that several miles away at that precise moment, there were several women gathered in a parking lot, joining hands and praying on my behalf. They knew something was happening at that moment. I would be told later that "it was as though the heavens came down upon us as we prayed!"  Wow.

I don't remember making the decision to pick up my phone to call KE. It wasn't to ask for help. We had experienced 'life' together during our 3 year friendship. It was special. But I knew that my insecurities were driving her away. I couldn't blame her. Did I call her out of desperation? I have no idea. I don't remember having an "agenda". I'm not exactly certain what I said, but she realized rather quickly that I was in trouble. While I was talking to her, I noticed Mark was calling me. I ended the call with KE. What I didn't know was that he had tried to call minutes before. I didn't answer. When I answered Mark's call, he was frantic. I had forgotten to text him. It had now been about 40 minutes since I left the house. He knew something wasn't right. He was obviously panicked. "What are you doing Kim?! Come home now!" "Where are you??!!" I tried to convince him that I was ok. I was safe. He didn't buy it. He said that he was going to call 911. Fear overtook me. My sick mind envisioned the police knowing exactly where I was, coming to take me "away" and I was alone. The very thought panicked me. "Don't call 911!!" "Then you come home right now! You've got 10 minutes to be home or I'm calling 911!" "Ok, I said, "I'm coming home." I drove through the pharmacy to pick up my medication. I had no intention of going home. But I also had no intention of being found..not alive. As I left with the pills sitting in my lap, my sick mind raced. I couldn't be on a 'public' street. I would be seen. They would know my car. I drove into a nearby neighborhood. I pulled into a driveway. It was quiet and it was dark. No cars in the driveway. No one was home. I could do it here. I heard noises. People were walking behind the car. Trick or treaters. "Really???" I began to panic. Where could I go?? The police would see me. They would know my car. I would be taken away and I would be alone. I called KK. She had walked this road very closely with me. We were best friends in high school and over the years had kept in touch but not on a regular basis. She knew the Lord well. She knew me well. She knew something wasn't right several months ago when we talked. She would keep close tabs on me. She answered the phone and knew by the tone of my voice that the time had come. The night before as we sat at a local coffee shop, she came to the realization that I was losing touch with reality. I was saying bizarre things. 24 hours earlier, she was praying with several of my friends for wisdom. 'Do we force Kim to go to a facility where we know she'll be safe?' They sought the Lord on my behalf. The answer they got? 'Be still and know that I am God.' "Don't let Mark call 911!!! You have to call him and tell him not to call 911!!!" She calmy replied, "Kim, where are you? Have you done anything to hurt yourself?" "I will tell you where I am if you will just call Mark!" He would listen to KK. He trusted her. He had grown close to all of my friends the past few weeks. They were a great support to him. "I will call Mark, but you have to promise to answer your phone when I call you back." I promised. Seconds later, she called back. "He won't call 911. But Kim, you have to tell me where you are at." I drove and saw a closed business parking lot. I parked the car. I told her my location.

Very little was going through my mind. It felt like only seconds passed when KK pulled up and got into the passenger's seat of my car. A sense of relief came over me. Not because my plan was stopped, but because I would not be alone.My very sick mind was fixated on being alone....being caught...being taken away, never to be seen again....but being very much alive. I can't explain the unusual fear of abandonment that gripped me that night, but it was that very fear that would save my life.  Moments later, KE pulled up as well, followed by several other friends. "What's going on?" "Why does everyone know I'm here?" Sirens. I heard sirens. I don't remember a lot from that moment, but they say that I 'lost it', I freaked out. The last bit of my mind that was hanging on for dear life, snapped.  Fear overtook me and was displayed in ways that left onlooking friends crying out to the Lord on my behalf.  The moments that followed are very blurry to me. There was a police car or two, a firetruck, ambulance....and incredibly loud sirens. As frightening as that was, I'm not sure it scared me as much as seeing Mark's face when he drove up and got out of his truck. He was angry. He was scared to death. But he was angry. His wife had just put him through a hell that he may never get over. I had lost my mind. Had I lost my husband too?