As the days progressed, so did my need to make the pain stop. How could a woman that trusted her God more than anything feel absolutely no hope? What could have possibly taken place in my brain, in my spirit, to feel so alone in a world where I was so loved? Speaking of those that loved me....my sweet family. Mark was at a loss. He was living with a woman that he no longer recognized. My boys were quiet around me. The mom that was loud and ornery only months before had changed before their eyes. My 18 year old daughter, Sara, cried for me. Her sweet heart broke as she watched her biggest fan sink into silence. She felt as though her mom was drowning and there was nothing she could do to save me. They all wrapped their arms around me in love. They spoke kind words. They prayed with me. They were there. Would it be enough?
Journal entry, Sunday night, 10/25/09:
A rough weekend. I catered a wedding Saturday. I haven't been sleeping well at all, so it was extra exhausting. I woke up this morning and my spirit was heavy. I knew I was in trouble. We were going to go the late service and I was trying to put makeup on and couldn't do it. I couldn't stop crying. I immediately texted my friends and asked them to pray. I know they did. But I continually got worse. Mark stayed home with me and sent the boys to church. When he went to get Logan, I hit rock bottom again. I texted a friend and asked her to call me to pray with me over the phone. I went to my bed and laid in a dark room. I sunk further and further. I went through my mind over and over again how I could end my life without destroying others. I went through every scenario. All I wanted was a way out of the pain. I thought of tomorrow and my heart sank. I thought of the week ahead. I can't do this. There has to be a way out of this. I was numb and confused. God, where are You? The phone rang. It was BT. She prayed with me. Boy, did she pray. I cried tears of pain like I haven't for a while. When we got off the phone, she texted me scriptures. I looked at them. The load began to lighten. A small glimmer of light began to shine through the darkness that surrounded me the entire day. At 3pm, I came out of my room and sat with Mark and Logan. My spirits began to lift. The Lord had touched me. Once again, He was faithful.
About Me
- Kim
- This profile will not be extensive, as this blog is not about "me", but about my life circumstances over the past couple of years. I know there are many women that suffer with hormonal issues and if my story can give another woman hope, then it gives purpose to what I've experienced. There are parts of this story that will be difficult to read if you are in the heat of the battle, but I encourage you to keep reading...this is a story of victory. I would love to read your comments. They can be made annonymously, but if you would like to contact me personally, please feel free to do so via my email address. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in my God. Know that you are not in this battle alone. And if you are supporting one that is fighting for hope, please don't give up on her. Stay on the battlefield with her. She needs you.
2 comments:
Kim, you wrote,
"I sunk further and further. I went through my mind over and over again how I could end my life without destroying others. I went through every scenario. All I wanted was a way out of the pain. I thought of tomorrow and my heart sank. I thought of the week ahead. I can't do this. There has to be a way out of this. I was numb and confused. God, where are You?"
That could have been written by me in 2006. There are many differences between your story and mine, but we came to this same point of confusion and despair.
It's at that point that we either find the relief for which we have been desperately searching or we end the pain. I'm thankful to God that a caring doctor recognized my need and took action.
The relief wasn't immediate and complete, it took time. It included being self-admitted into a psych ward, release into day therapy, a slow trial and error approach to finding the right medication for my condition, six weeks away from work, psychiatrists, psychologists, neurologists, therapists and pain clinics.
For several months after my release I wondered what I would have missed if I had committed suicide? Where was the joy of life? Did God still have a purpose for me?
There came a day, an event - the particulars really aren't important - that I experienced a small joy; a sense of being used by God that I would have missed if I had followed through on my plan.
Slowly these events continued to be sprinkled into my life. There finally (finally!) came the acceptance that suicide would have denied me and those around me of these special life-moments; that suicide would have undeniably been the wrong choice.
Over three years have passed, and I have a storehouse of joys, precious memories, and moments when God has used me to help others.
Thank you for sharing, Kim. I believe more people reach that point of despair than we can imagine. That the normal person next door or down the hall or in the other pew is desperately weighing whether this life is still worth living.
I only want to thank you and let others know that God does not forsake those who trust in Him. He listened to my cry for help and, in His own time, He cleared my mind and restored my soul. Do not give up. Cry out to Him. Cling to family and friends. Recognize that others are far from perfect and see them as God intends them to be.
I'm a normal guy. I'm the guy who sits in the front-right of the church. I can tell you with certainty that God loves you and has a plan for you. Let Him carry you through the point of total despair. You will not prove Him wrong.
Thank you Galen for your honesty. Years can pass between friends and we have no idea what transpires during that time. We reconnect only to find that we've experienced very similar pain. And the best part is that the same Lord and Savior saved us and lifted us above our circumstances.
Makes it pretty clear that just because we love our Lord more than anything this world can offer, it doesn't keep 'life' from happening but it does keep the enemy from having the final say so about our lives.
I love you Galen. You are a special man of God.
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