Chapter 10

I walked around the house to the various places where medication was kept. There were the numerous pain medications that had not been used following my hysterectomy. Mark had some from a previous procedure as well. The antianxiety medication that Dr. W had given me to accompany my antidepressant is a sedative. I had a number of those on hand, as well as a new prescription for 60 more that he had just given me. I also had several sleeping pills that were prescribed a few months ago. I took my small make-up carrier out of my purse, emptied it, and began to fill it with pills. I emptied the bottles. All except one. I left 2 pills in my antianxiety pill bottle just in case Mark got suspicious. It was no longer a matter of "if" I would be taking the pills, but "when". The irony? Those that know me best know that I absolutely hate taking pills. That thought never crossed my mind that day. I only knew that when I chose to take the pills, it would not be for attention. It would not be a "cry for help". As an ER nurse, I know well what is done to a patient that is brought to the ER following an overdose....no, there would be no ER involved. I would have plenty to do the job right.
Not a lot of emotion that day. Very methodical. Perhaps even a small sense of relief. Would my overwhelmed mind finally find peace?