Chapter 4

The pain was terrible. It was on the left side of my lower abdomen. I assumed it was my ovary. I had been diagnosed with endometriosis a number of years earlier and had several surgeries to get rid of it. My doctor suggested a hysterectomy. My other ovary was removed a few years prior due to endometriosis as well, so I had no qualms about it....yes indeed, let's get rid of all of it at one time. Made perfect sense. The surgery was scheduled for February of 2009. I was living on Ibuprofen for the pain, so the sooner the better.

All went as planned with the surgery. Indeed, endometriosis and lots of it. My recovery was uneventful for the most part. Everyone told me how much better I would feel. While I was off work for six weeks (I was a nurse in an ER), I decided to look at some universities and perhaps put my master's degree to work. I wanted to teach. I loved this profession of nursing and wanted to introduce students to my passion while it was indeed still a passion. As the days and weeks went by, I felt anything but better. I was plagued with that familiar feeling of anxiety...at its worst. I began to have hot flashes like I'd never experienced before. Oh boy...here we go again. I called my doctor and told her what was happening and she changed my patch to an estrogen pill and increased the dose. Several days went by. Worse. I called again. She increased the dose again. A couple of weeks went by. Is it my imagination or is it still worsening? It became difficult to function. And another emotion I had not experienced since the hormonal issue was discovered for me....insecurity. Ugghhh.... How can a normally independent, confident woman suddenly be searching for security? I clung to my family and I clung to a few chosen friends. Although I felt safe in doing so, I would learn that clinging to people is not the answer. I was scared. I wasn't myself and all I could hope for is that those that loved me would stand by me...would fight this battle with me...would accept me in my weakness. Little did I know the battle that I would face in the days ahead. I called my doctor again. She increased my dosage to the maximum dose allowed. Surely this would take care of it. I suffered through a few more weeks. I reluctantly called again. I was told by her nurse, "she says you're on the maximum dose you can be on. sorry." So........I live with this? I just try to adjust my life around my anxiety? My insecurity increased as well. I had always been a very confident woman. This was unfamiliar to me. But as the next few months went by, it became all too familiar. I became so insecure that those closest to me didn't know me for who I once was. I didn't know myself. What was happening?! I cried to my Lord. I cried to my family. It was August and I was mentally and physically exhausted. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating. A friend suggested that I go see a hormone specialist. I would try anything to make me feel better. Anything.