Chapter 15
My eyes opened and I looked up at the blank ceiling. I didn't recognize it. Oh God, please tell me I'm waking up from a very bad dream. It was not a dream. It was a nightmare that was oh so true. The last several hours slowly began to reenter my mind. I remember being taken from the ER and placed into a vehicle to be taken to a facility. Yep, a nuthouse. As I said goodbye to Mark, he was emotionless. He was worn out. They told him that he could not go with me. The ride was quiet and desperately lonely. I began to cry and I'm not sure I stopped for the next 24-48 hours. After being strip-searched, every inch of my body inspected and incessantly questioned, I was shown to my room. I was not allowed to take anything with me. There was no TV, no radio, not even a clock. It was 3:30am, Sunday, November 1st, 2009. "Try to get some sleep," the nurse said as she shut the door. Sleep is something I hadn't done in weeks. My mind was racing with every emotion possible. I was incredibly exhausted, yet my insides were going ninety to nothin'. I was so angry that my plan had not succeeded while feeling a sense of shame and guilt that left me empty. I was numb yet hypersensitive to every thing I saw, everything I touched, the temperature of the room, and even the smells. My mind was full of questions, so many pieces of the past few days that were missing. One thing, however, was certain. I was alone. Very much alone. As far as I knew at that moment, I had lost everything....everything. Certainly my dignity. That's a given. But I had surely lost the trust and respect of so many, even perhaps my family. My family....had I lost them too? I lost my mind, not sure I would ever get it back. And what of my freedom? Is this the place I would come to know as home? I cried out with all that I had in me, 'Oh my sweet Jesus. Is this it, Father??? Is this really your perfect and complete will for my life??? Why couldn't you just have let me end my pain?? I just wanted to be with You. That's all. Please please don't leave me. I'm so scared. Please hold me.' I curled up on a small, hard bed. What had been the single most lonely moment in my life also became the most intimate time with my Lord. I felt His breath, literally felt His breath on my cheek. "Kim, You are My child! You are my chosen servant! Do not fear, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will help you. I will strengthen you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand!" At the end of myself, the absolute end of myself....I closed my eyes and went to sleep.
Chapter 14
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by your name, you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:1-3
At some point during the previous hour, my mind completely 'snapped'. I lost touch with all reality. Some of what happened over the next six hours, I remember very clearly. Other pieces of the story were told to me by those involved that night.
I called Mark to come and get me. I found RP and asked her to make sure that Logan got home. I told Logan good-bye, my mind never grasping the reality that it would be the last time I would see my youngest son. I was calm.
The ride home was quiet. Mark told me that he was going to stop and get me a hamburger. I hadn't eaten all day. In fact, I had not eaten much of anything over the past 3 weeks. As we arrived home, I looked to Mark and said, "Mark, will you trust me to go for a ride by myself? I would just like to go to the lake, eat my hamburger, and think for a little bit." He thought about it for a minute. "I'll trust you, Kim. But I need you to text me or call me every few minutes just to give me some peace of mind..so I know that you're ok." I agreed. As I pulled away from the house, there was no sense of grief, no guilt, there was no fear, there was very little emotion that I felt at that moment. I wasn't crying out to God to save me from myself. I laid the hamburger in the seat next to me. I wouldn't be eating it.
There were over 100 pills in my make-up bag. I knew it would take a lot to do what I intended, so I took the prescription to the drive up pharmacy and dropped it off. Another 60. I was told it would take 30 minutes. I left the drive through and pulled into a bank parking lot across the street to wait. It was about 7:45pm.
There were no suicide notes being written, no heartfelt farewells to my family or friends. My broken mind didn't even think to do those things. My family would have no real answers. They would never know what had gone so very wrong with the woman that they knew as strong and loving. Would they understand that this had nothing to do with them? Would they always wonder what they might have done differently to change the outcome? Those were not questions that my mind was pondering. I wasn't questioning, I wasn't planning. I just sat in the dark parking lot and stared. I didn't hear my phone signaling a text message. Nor did I hear the next, nor the next. What my sick mind didn't know at the time was that some of those text messages were coming from friends, randomly texting me. Later I would learn what they said. One said, "The Lord just laid you on my heart. I'm praying for you." Another, "I don't know what's going on, Kim, but you are on my heart right now. I'm praying." I also was not aware that several miles away at that precise moment, there were several women gathered in a parking lot, joining hands and praying on my behalf. They knew something was happening at that moment. I would be told later that "it was as though the heavens came down upon us as we prayed!" Wow.
I don't remember making the decision to pick up my phone to call KE. It wasn't to ask for help. We had experienced 'life' together during our 3 year friendship. It was special. But I knew that my insecurities were driving her away. I couldn't blame her. Did I call her out of desperation? I have no idea. I don't remember having an "agenda". I'm not exactly certain what I said, but she realized rather quickly that I was in trouble. While I was talking to her, I noticed Mark was calling me. I ended the call with KE. What I didn't know was that he had tried to call minutes before. I didn't answer. When I answered Mark's call, he was frantic. I had forgotten to text him. It had now been about 40 minutes since I left the house. He knew something wasn't right. He was obviously panicked. "What are you doing Kim?! Come home now!" "Where are you??!!" I tried to convince him that I was ok. I was safe. He didn't buy it. He said that he was going to call 911. Fear overtook me. My sick mind envisioned the police knowing exactly where I was, coming to take me "away" and I was alone. The very thought panicked me. "Don't call 911!!" "Then you come home right now! You've got 10 minutes to be home or I'm calling 911!" "Ok, I said, "I'm coming home." I drove through the pharmacy to pick up my medication. I had no intention of going home. But I also had no intention of being found..not alive. As I left with the pills sitting in my lap, my sick mind raced. I couldn't be on a 'public' street. I would be seen. They would know my car. I drove into a nearby neighborhood. I pulled into a driveway. It was quiet and it was dark. No cars in the driveway. No one was home. I could do it here. I heard noises. People were walking behind the car. Trick or treaters. "Really???" I began to panic. Where could I go?? The police would see me. They would know my car. I would be taken away and I would be alone. I called KK. She had walked this road very closely with me. We were best friends in high school and over the years had kept in touch but not on a regular basis. She knew the Lord well. She knew me well. She knew something wasn't right several months ago when we talked. She would keep close tabs on me. She answered the phone and knew by the tone of my voice that the time had come. The night before as we sat at a local coffee shop, she came to the realization that I was losing touch with reality. I was saying bizarre things. 24 hours earlier, she was praying with several of my friends for wisdom. 'Do we force Kim to go to a facility where we know she'll be safe?' They sought the Lord on my behalf. The answer they got? 'Be still and know that I am God.' "Don't let Mark call 911!!! You have to call him and tell him not to call 911!!!" She calmy replied, "Kim, where are you? Have you done anything to hurt yourself?" "I will tell you where I am if you will just call Mark!" He would listen to KK. He trusted her. He had grown close to all of my friends the past few weeks. They were a great support to him. "I will call Mark, but you have to promise to answer your phone when I call you back." I promised. Seconds later, she called back. "He won't call 911. But Kim, you have to tell me where you are at." I drove and saw a closed business parking lot. I parked the car. I told her my location.
Very little was going through my mind. It felt like only seconds passed when KK pulled up and got into the passenger's seat of my car. A sense of relief came over me. Not because my plan was stopped, but because I would not be alone.My very sick mind was fixated on being alone....being caught...being taken away, never to be seen again....but being very much alive. I can't explain the unusual fear of abandonment that gripped me that night, but it was that very fear that would save my life. Moments later, KE pulled up as well, followed by several other friends. "What's going on?" "Why does everyone know I'm here?" Sirens. I heard sirens. I don't remember a lot from that moment, but they say that I 'lost it', I freaked out. The last bit of my mind that was hanging on for dear life, snapped. Fear overtook me and was displayed in ways that left onlooking friends crying out to the Lord on my behalf. The moments that followed are very blurry to me. There was a police car or two, a firetruck, ambulance....and incredibly loud sirens. As frightening as that was, I'm not sure it scared me as much as seeing Mark's face when he drove up and got out of his truck. He was angry. He was scared to death. But he was angry. His wife had just put him through a hell that he may never get over. I had lost my mind. Had I lost my husband too?
At some point during the previous hour, my mind completely 'snapped'. I lost touch with all reality. Some of what happened over the next six hours, I remember very clearly. Other pieces of the story were told to me by those involved that night.
I called Mark to come and get me. I found RP and asked her to make sure that Logan got home. I told Logan good-bye, my mind never grasping the reality that it would be the last time I would see my youngest son. I was calm.
The ride home was quiet. Mark told me that he was going to stop and get me a hamburger. I hadn't eaten all day. In fact, I had not eaten much of anything over the past 3 weeks. As we arrived home, I looked to Mark and said, "Mark, will you trust me to go for a ride by myself? I would just like to go to the lake, eat my hamburger, and think for a little bit." He thought about it for a minute. "I'll trust you, Kim. But I need you to text me or call me every few minutes just to give me some peace of mind..so I know that you're ok." I agreed. As I pulled away from the house, there was no sense of grief, no guilt, there was no fear, there was very little emotion that I felt at that moment. I wasn't crying out to God to save me from myself. I laid the hamburger in the seat next to me. I wouldn't be eating it.
There were over 100 pills in my make-up bag. I knew it would take a lot to do what I intended, so I took the prescription to the drive up pharmacy and dropped it off. Another 60. I was told it would take 30 minutes. I left the drive through and pulled into a bank parking lot across the street to wait. It was about 7:45pm.
There were no suicide notes being written, no heartfelt farewells to my family or friends. My broken mind didn't even think to do those things. My family would have no real answers. They would never know what had gone so very wrong with the woman that they knew as strong and loving. Would they understand that this had nothing to do with them? Would they always wonder what they might have done differently to change the outcome? Those were not questions that my mind was pondering. I wasn't questioning, I wasn't planning. I just sat in the dark parking lot and stared. I didn't hear my phone signaling a text message. Nor did I hear the next, nor the next. What my sick mind didn't know at the time was that some of those text messages were coming from friends, randomly texting me. Later I would learn what they said. One said, "The Lord just laid you on my heart. I'm praying for you." Another, "I don't know what's going on, Kim, but you are on my heart right now. I'm praying." I also was not aware that several miles away at that precise moment, there were several women gathered in a parking lot, joining hands and praying on my behalf. They knew something was happening at that moment. I would be told later that "it was as though the heavens came down upon us as we prayed!" Wow.
I don't remember making the decision to pick up my phone to call KE. It wasn't to ask for help. We had experienced 'life' together during our 3 year friendship. It was special. But I knew that my insecurities were driving her away. I couldn't blame her. Did I call her out of desperation? I have no idea. I don't remember having an "agenda". I'm not exactly certain what I said, but she realized rather quickly that I was in trouble. While I was talking to her, I noticed Mark was calling me. I ended the call with KE. What I didn't know was that he had tried to call minutes before. I didn't answer. When I answered Mark's call, he was frantic. I had forgotten to text him. It had now been about 40 minutes since I left the house. He knew something wasn't right. He was obviously panicked. "What are you doing Kim?! Come home now!" "Where are you??!!" I tried to convince him that I was ok. I was safe. He didn't buy it. He said that he was going to call 911. Fear overtook me. My sick mind envisioned the police knowing exactly where I was, coming to take me "away" and I was alone. The very thought panicked me. "Don't call 911!!" "Then you come home right now! You've got 10 minutes to be home or I'm calling 911!" "Ok, I said, "I'm coming home." I drove through the pharmacy to pick up my medication. I had no intention of going home. But I also had no intention of being found..not alive. As I left with the pills sitting in my lap, my sick mind raced. I couldn't be on a 'public' street. I would be seen. They would know my car. I drove into a nearby neighborhood. I pulled into a driveway. It was quiet and it was dark. No cars in the driveway. No one was home. I could do it here. I heard noises. People were walking behind the car. Trick or treaters. "Really???" I began to panic. Where could I go?? The police would see me. They would know my car. I would be taken away and I would be alone. I called KK. She had walked this road very closely with me. We were best friends in high school and over the years had kept in touch but not on a regular basis. She knew the Lord well. She knew me well. She knew something wasn't right several months ago when we talked. She would keep close tabs on me. She answered the phone and knew by the tone of my voice that the time had come. The night before as we sat at a local coffee shop, she came to the realization that I was losing touch with reality. I was saying bizarre things. 24 hours earlier, she was praying with several of my friends for wisdom. 'Do we force Kim to go to a facility where we know she'll be safe?' They sought the Lord on my behalf. The answer they got? 'Be still and know that I am God.' "Don't let Mark call 911!!! You have to call him and tell him not to call 911!!!" She calmy replied, "Kim, where are you? Have you done anything to hurt yourself?" "I will tell you where I am if you will just call Mark!" He would listen to KK. He trusted her. He had grown close to all of my friends the past few weeks. They were a great support to him. "I will call Mark, but you have to promise to answer your phone when I call you back." I promised. Seconds later, she called back. "He won't call 911. But Kim, you have to tell me where you are at." I drove and saw a closed business parking lot. I parked the car. I told her my location.
Very little was going through my mind. It felt like only seconds passed when KK pulled up and got into the passenger's seat of my car. A sense of relief came over me. Not because my plan was stopped, but because I would not be alone.My very sick mind was fixated on being alone....being caught...being taken away, never to be seen again....but being very much alive. I can't explain the unusual fear of abandonment that gripped me that night, but it was that very fear that would save my life. Moments later, KE pulled up as well, followed by several other friends. "What's going on?" "Why does everyone know I'm here?" Sirens. I heard sirens. I don't remember a lot from that moment, but they say that I 'lost it', I freaked out. The last bit of my mind that was hanging on for dear life, snapped. Fear overtook me and was displayed in ways that left onlooking friends crying out to the Lord on my behalf. The moments that followed are very blurry to me. There was a police car or two, a firetruck, ambulance....and incredibly loud sirens. As frightening as that was, I'm not sure it scared me as much as seeing Mark's face when he drove up and got out of his truck. He was angry. He was scared to death. But he was angry. His wife had just put him through a hell that he may never get over. I had lost my mind. Had I lost my husband too?
Chapter 13
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back from captivity." Jer 29: 11-14
I gotta be honest with you here. I dread writing this chapter. I am asking for guidance and wisdom as I do so. The day, Saturday, October 31st, 2009.....a day that, although many pieces are missing from my mind, will never be forgotten. It is a day that changed my life and those in my life forever. I would later learn that it was a day that my hormone levels would crash. If you remember, a few weeks ago I was told that my estrogen levels were at an astonishing level of 1000 (100x normal). When they stopped my estrogen completely due to the mini strokes, I went into "estrogen withdrawal". My estrogen went from 1000 to zero and I crashed....hard.
I woke up that Saturday morning intending to go kayaking with LH. She knew that I had been suffering and graciously offered to take me out on the lake for a day of relaxation. The weather was perfect. It was sunny. It was beautiful. I began to get ready and I could feel my spirits sink. Why???? I was about to go enjoy a day with a wonderful friend. Why would I feel this way? Mark sensed it. I cried and told him that I wasn't sure I could do it. He said, "Go. It will do you good." And it did. LH was so sweet as I spoke a little of what was going on. I didn't want to dwell on it. I needed a break from it and that's exactly what I got. The water was calm and so were my spirits. Thank you, Lord. This is just what I needed. Thank you.
My drive home was short. In fact, only about 5 minutes, tops. But that's all it took. By the time I reached home, I hit bottom. I was confused and frustrated. Lord, please don't let me go down again. Mark met me at the door. I can't keep doing this to him. He deserves more.
'Trunk or Treat', a special night of Halloween fun at my church would start soon. Although I had intended to go and help with the concessions, I knew I was not up for it. LM called. Her son was wheezing and coughing. "I'm not sure if I should take him to the ER or not. Can you bring your stethoscope with you when you come, listen to him and tell me if I need to take him?" I couldn't tell her that my pit of despair would prevent me from being able to do that. She knew that pit well. She organized the time of prayer for me that took place less than 48 hours earlier. I would go. Mark would take Logan and I, drop us off, and then would stay close to the phone, ready to come and get me when needed. I was always able to "push through" when in the presence of people. Most had no idea of the battle raging inside of me. That's the way I wanted it. A dear friend, TS had told me just the day before, "Kim, I've known you for 30 years. I've never seen you down....ever. Not even once."
As I walked around the festivities, I felt different. I felt numb. I couldn't force a smile, not tonight. I saw several of the precious friends that had gathered to pray for me. They loved on me. They encouraged me. Oh how I appreciate these precious women of God. They have lifted me up....they have laid me at the foot of the cross....they have believed in me at a time when I no longer believed in myself. But even as their warm arms embraced me, as their kind words filled my ears, I was numb. I walked into the worship center. It was dimly lit. It was quiet. My eyes went to the cross that was at a 'prayer station'. I made my way to the cross. A calm came over my spirit. I would be with my Lord soon. I would hold my sweet Molly tonight.
Chapter 12
'There are going to be a group of your friends coming together tonight to pray for you.' read the text from LM. Another text from SC, a friend from Colorado, "praying". KE called and left a message, "I'm praying for you today". MM texted "praying for you Kim". Another text from KT, "you are not alone, Kim. He is with you." BL called and prayed with me over the phone.
Journal entry, Thursday, October 29, 2009:
I need prayer support and that's exactly what You're giving me. Please speak to my friends as they pray for me tonight. Thank you, Father for my friends. I love and believe in them. Please don't let them stop believing in me. I just can't make sense of what's happening in my mind. I know I am different. I can't wrap my mind around anything. I feel like I've lost touch with reality. As strange as it may seem, one thing I know for sure is that You are with me. Although this makes no sense to me, don't stop until your purpose is completed. You are God. Be God. Be Lord. Be my Savior this day.
Journal entry, Friday, October 30, 2009:
Been a rough day. Mark took me out to dinner. It was good to be with him. I couldn't ask for a better husband. How long can he do this? Please, God, don't let him give up on me. I love that man. After we got home, I went to coffee with KK. I was very honest with her and she was with me as well. She told me that she doesn't have peace that I won't hurt myself. Oh God, I must say, I long for this to end sooner than later. I don't want to take the 'easy' way out, yet between my brain and my hormones, I am just screaming inside! I feel so alone, although I know that I have so many that are walking this road with me. I long to be held by a mother's arms. I long to be stroked by my heavenly Father's hands and to look into His eyes and see that it's all ok. It will be over soon. Hold on.
Journal entry, Thursday, October 29, 2009:
I need prayer support and that's exactly what You're giving me. Please speak to my friends as they pray for me tonight. Thank you, Father for my friends. I love and believe in them. Please don't let them stop believing in me. I just can't make sense of what's happening in my mind. I know I am different. I can't wrap my mind around anything. I feel like I've lost touch with reality. As strange as it may seem, one thing I know for sure is that You are with me. Although this makes no sense to me, don't stop until your purpose is completed. You are God. Be God. Be Lord. Be my Savior this day.
Journal entry, Friday, October 30, 2009:
Been a rough day. Mark took me out to dinner. It was good to be with him. I couldn't ask for a better husband. How long can he do this? Please, God, don't let him give up on me. I love that man. After we got home, I went to coffee with KK. I was very honest with her and she was with me as well. She told me that she doesn't have peace that I won't hurt myself. Oh God, I must say, I long for this to end sooner than later. I don't want to take the 'easy' way out, yet between my brain and my hormones, I am just screaming inside! I feel so alone, although I know that I have so many that are walking this road with me. I long to be held by a mother's arms. I long to be stroked by my heavenly Father's hands and to look into His eyes and see that it's all ok. It will be over soon. Hold on.
Chapter 11
BL called. "Kim, several of us are worried about you and don't know what to do. We feel that someone should be with you all the time." It was Wednesday and I was in bed....again. As 'needy' as I already felt, this was the last thing I wanted. She prayed with me. I know that she's afraid of the days ahead for me. She laid me in the Savior's arms. I promised her that I would call a friend that lived closer and I did. My sweet friend KK came over and found me in a dark room, lying in bed. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. But I was also helpless. She stayed for a while and prayed with me. As lonely and confused as my mind would ever get, I always felt that I was cradled in the arms of Christ. Then why did I feel the hopelessness of depression? I don't have the answer to that. All I know is that my Lord gave me rest right in the midst of a raging storm. That storm would soon rage out of control.
Chapter 10
I walked around the house to the various places where medication was kept. There were the numerous pain medications that had not been used following my hysterectomy. Mark had some from a previous procedure as well. The antianxiety medication that Dr. W had given me to accompany my antidepressant is a sedative. I had a number of those on hand, as well as a new prescription for 60 more that he had just given me. I also had several sleeping pills that were prescribed a few months ago. I took my small make-up carrier out of my purse, emptied it, and began to fill it with pills. I emptied the bottles. All except one. I left 2 pills in my antianxiety pill bottle just in case Mark got suspicious. It was no longer a matter of "if" I would be taking the pills, but "when". The irony? Those that know me best know that I absolutely hate taking pills. That thought never crossed my mind that day. I only knew that when I chose to take the pills, it would not be for attention. It would not be a "cry for help". As an ER nurse, I know well what is done to a patient that is brought to the ER following an overdose....no, there would be no ER involved. I would have plenty to do the job right.
Not a lot of emotion that day. Very methodical. Perhaps even a small sense of relief. Would my overwhelmed mind finally find peace?
Not a lot of emotion that day. Very methodical. Perhaps even a small sense of relief. Would my overwhelmed mind finally find peace?
Chapter 9
The next day I called Dr. W and made an appointment to go see him later that day. A couple of my friends had called Mark to tell him that he needed to go with me. The realization of just how bad I was began to sink in for them. Mark was in denial. It must be very tough to allow your mind to accept the fact that your wife is so very ill. This is a road he had never even come close to traveling with me. Surely my medication would kick in, the proteins would clear from the neuro receptors and soon all would be back to 'normal' again.
Mark called me and asked if he could go with me to see Dr. W. "No....I'll be fine. You don't need to go." I didn't want Mark to go with me because I was so afraid that the doctor would ask me if I was suicidal. I knew I could talk my way out of it if I were alone. He insisted on going.
Dr. W didn't ask me if I was suicidal that day. In fact, he never asked me that question. He changed my antidepressant. I asked him if we could draw some hormone levels. "That won't be of any benefit. I know what's happening." The independent, sassy nurse in me didn't bat an eye to his response. I went home to a dark room and crawled into bed.
Journal entry, Tuesday, October 27, 2009:
Today was a tough day. I am having difficulty focusing, unable to accomplish anything. I was sinking fast. I tried praying. I tried singing. Nothing would get me through it. I felt paralyzed. Logan just watched me. I curled up next to him and he loved on me. He knows I'm not right. As the night went by, Mark held me and I felt it settle over me. After Mark fixed me a sandwich, I took a shower and fell apart. I'm scared. My mind has been consumed all day with how I can take my life, how I could do it and hurt my family and hurt my friends the least. My brain feels so different. I can't think logically. I'm not sure I have good judgment right now. God help me. Lay me on people's hearts that can help me. I find it so hard to ask at this point. It must be disgusting to see me this way. Mark cried with me last night. I think he's scared, and quite honestly, for good reason. I don't trust myself right now. God help me.
Mark called me and asked if he could go with me to see Dr. W. "No....I'll be fine. You don't need to go." I didn't want Mark to go with me because I was so afraid that the doctor would ask me if I was suicidal. I knew I could talk my way out of it if I were alone. He insisted on going.
Dr. W didn't ask me if I was suicidal that day. In fact, he never asked me that question. He changed my antidepressant. I asked him if we could draw some hormone levels. "That won't be of any benefit. I know what's happening." The independent, sassy nurse in me didn't bat an eye to his response. I went home to a dark room and crawled into bed.
Journal entry, Tuesday, October 27, 2009:
Today was a tough day. I am having difficulty focusing, unable to accomplish anything. I was sinking fast. I tried praying. I tried singing. Nothing would get me through it. I felt paralyzed. Logan just watched me. I curled up next to him and he loved on me. He knows I'm not right. As the night went by, Mark held me and I felt it settle over me. After Mark fixed me a sandwich, I took a shower and fell apart. I'm scared. My mind has been consumed all day with how I can take my life, how I could do it and hurt my family and hurt my friends the least. My brain feels so different. I can't think logically. I'm not sure I have good judgment right now. God help me. Lay me on people's hearts that can help me. I find it so hard to ask at this point. It must be disgusting to see me this way. Mark cried with me last night. I think he's scared, and quite honestly, for good reason. I don't trust myself right now. God help me.
Chapter 8
As the days progressed, so did my need to make the pain stop. How could a woman that trusted her God more than anything feel absolutely no hope? What could have possibly taken place in my brain, in my spirit, to feel so alone in a world where I was so loved? Speaking of those that loved me....my sweet family. Mark was at a loss. He was living with a woman that he no longer recognized. My boys were quiet around me. The mom that was loud and ornery only months before had changed before their eyes. My 18 year old daughter, Sara, cried for me. Her sweet heart broke as she watched her biggest fan sink into silence. She felt as though her mom was drowning and there was nothing she could do to save me. They all wrapped their arms around me in love. They spoke kind words. They prayed with me. They were there. Would it be enough?
Journal entry, Sunday night, 10/25/09:
A rough weekend. I catered a wedding Saturday. I haven't been sleeping well at all, so it was extra exhausting. I woke up this morning and my spirit was heavy. I knew I was in trouble. We were going to go the late service and I was trying to put makeup on and couldn't do it. I couldn't stop crying. I immediately texted my friends and asked them to pray. I know they did. But I continually got worse. Mark stayed home with me and sent the boys to church. When he went to get Logan, I hit rock bottom again. I texted a friend and asked her to call me to pray with me over the phone. I went to my bed and laid in a dark room. I sunk further and further. I went through my mind over and over again how I could end my life without destroying others. I went through every scenario. All I wanted was a way out of the pain. I thought of tomorrow and my heart sank. I thought of the week ahead. I can't do this. There has to be a way out of this. I was numb and confused. God, where are You? The phone rang. It was BT. She prayed with me. Boy, did she pray. I cried tears of pain like I haven't for a while. When we got off the phone, she texted me scriptures. I looked at them. The load began to lighten. A small glimmer of light began to shine through the darkness that surrounded me the entire day. At 3pm, I came out of my room and sat with Mark and Logan. My spirits began to lift. The Lord had touched me. Once again, He was faithful.
Journal entry, Sunday night, 10/25/09:
A rough weekend. I catered a wedding Saturday. I haven't been sleeping well at all, so it was extra exhausting. I woke up this morning and my spirit was heavy. I knew I was in trouble. We were going to go the late service and I was trying to put makeup on and couldn't do it. I couldn't stop crying. I immediately texted my friends and asked them to pray. I know they did. But I continually got worse. Mark stayed home with me and sent the boys to church. When he went to get Logan, I hit rock bottom again. I texted a friend and asked her to call me to pray with me over the phone. I went to my bed and laid in a dark room. I sunk further and further. I went through my mind over and over again how I could end my life without destroying others. I went through every scenario. All I wanted was a way out of the pain. I thought of tomorrow and my heart sank. I thought of the week ahead. I can't do this. There has to be a way out of this. I was numb and confused. God, where are You? The phone rang. It was BT. She prayed with me. Boy, did she pray. I cried tears of pain like I haven't for a while. When we got off the phone, she texted me scriptures. I looked at them. The load began to lighten. A small glimmer of light began to shine through the darkness that surrounded me the entire day. At 3pm, I came out of my room and sat with Mark and Logan. My spirits began to lift. The Lord had touched me. Once again, He was faithful.
Chapter 7
I ended up in the hospital for the next 4 days with several mini strokes, or TIA's (transcient ischemic attacks) from the elevated estrogen level. High levels of estrogen can cause increased risk of blood clots. I was immediately placed on blood thinners and all hormone replacement therapy was stopped. I left the hospital feeling extremely fortunate that I had no residual effects from the strokes, but couldn't help but wonder if and when it would happen again.
My son, Luke, would be turning 16 in a few days and a party was planned for Saturday. I arrived home from the hospital on Thursday and was determined to make sure we celebrated Luke's day in style....Amazing Race style. I felt great. Better than I had felt in months. On Friday morning I sat on the couch with a pen and paper to finalize the details for the race we would be having the next day. I loved this kind of stuff! But, what happened over the next few minutes is very difficult to put into words. The best way to describe it is that it was as though a huge black cloud hovered over my mind and my body and in a matter of minutes I felt as though my world had crumbled around me. I had never felt this in my life. Can depression come on this sudden? And to this degree?
That day was the first of many over the next three weeks that would escalate into a clinical depression that I never dreamed I would experience personally. I went and saw Dr. W that day and he immediately increased my antidepressant. He was not surprised to see the emotional changes that had occurred in such a short period of time. The days that followed worsened. I would go to school and push through the day. The minute I sat in my car at the end of a day of teaching, I fell apart. Each day was worse than the previous. After a week, I found it hard to get out of bed. So I chose not to. Few knew just how depressed I was. I mean, after all, who would get this?? No one truly could unless they'd been through it themselves. Perhaps not even then. But many certainly extended themselves. The Lord gave me an incredible support system.
Journal entry, Tuesday, 10/19/09:
I was alone at night after pushing through the day. I was headed home and knew I was on a spiral headed downward. I held on until Mark and the boys left the house and I got into the shower and felt myself hit rock bottom. I got out and I called a friend, KT. She was at a ballgame but left and came to get me. She held me and cried with me. She prayed with me. I needed someone to understand the pain I was in. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me comfort tonight.
My son, Luke, would be turning 16 in a few days and a party was planned for Saturday. I arrived home from the hospital on Thursday and was determined to make sure we celebrated Luke's day in style....Amazing Race style. I felt great. Better than I had felt in months. On Friday morning I sat on the couch with a pen and paper to finalize the details for the race we would be having the next day. I loved this kind of stuff! But, what happened over the next few minutes is very difficult to put into words. The best way to describe it is that it was as though a huge black cloud hovered over my mind and my body and in a matter of minutes I felt as though my world had crumbled around me. I had never felt this in my life. Can depression come on this sudden? And to this degree?
That day was the first of many over the next three weeks that would escalate into a clinical depression that I never dreamed I would experience personally. I went and saw Dr. W that day and he immediately increased my antidepressant. He was not surprised to see the emotional changes that had occurred in such a short period of time. The days that followed worsened. I would go to school and push through the day. The minute I sat in my car at the end of a day of teaching, I fell apart. Each day was worse than the previous. After a week, I found it hard to get out of bed. So I chose not to. Few knew just how depressed I was. I mean, after all, who would get this?? No one truly could unless they'd been through it themselves. Perhaps not even then. But many certainly extended themselves. The Lord gave me an incredible support system.
Journal entry, Tuesday, 10/19/09:
I was alone at night after pushing through the day. I was headed home and knew I was on a spiral headed downward. I held on until Mark and the boys left the house and I got into the shower and felt myself hit rock bottom. I got out and I called a friend, KT. She was at a ballgame but left and came to get me. She held me and cried with me. She prayed with me. I needed someone to understand the pain I was in. Thank you, Jesus, for giving me comfort tonight.
Chapter 6
So what in the heck caused my estrogen levels to surge to unbelievable levels? Evidently, the estrogen pill does not bind to the receptors as well as the patch or gel. I didn't know that. Also, testosterone helps estrogen to bind to the proper receptors. Oh...one bit of info I failed to give. My testosterone was that of a "90 year old" according to Dr. W. It was almost nonexistent.
The following week was uneventful, outside of anxiety, which I was learning to live with. Mark came into the kitchen and told me he was going to Homeland to get some milk and a few other groceries we needed. He would later tell me that the blank look I had on my face probably meant that I didn't hear him, which was not a rare occurance. But, I heard him. I just could not make sense of what he said. I responded with "I don't know what Homeland is". I knew that I should know. I just didn't. My head felt heavy and confused. It scared both of us. Later that night, Mark and I were in the kitchen together. I said something and Mark nervously laughed. "Kim, you are talking but you aren't making any sense." Wow. What was happening? Were the proteins attacking my neuron receptors just like the doctor said they would? The next day I called the doctor and told him what had happened. He wanted me to see a neurologist. But no big hurry, evidently. They had made an appointment for me for 2 weeks later. Hmmm....something didn't feel right about that. Not sure why.
Two days later, on October 1st, 2009, I went on a women's retreat with my church. I gotta say, I was a bit nervous to go because my anxiety was still way out of control and I wasn't quite sure what was happening in my brain after what had taken place just 2 days earlier. I was determined to not allow this "condition" to keep me from doing the things I wanted to do. So I went. I checked into the hotel where the retreat would take place. That night, I laughed, I cried, I did all the things any normal woman does at a great retreat where women are gathered together in Christ. It was awesome. It was beautiful. It was what I needed.
The next morning, I awoke and went down to meet everyone for breakfast. There was a lot of conversation going on during breakfast and I joined right in. All of a sudden the chattering going on around me became muffled. I knew something wasn't right. My head felt very full. It was as though I could hear people talking but couldn't make any sense of it and certainly couldn't respond. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on, since I had absolutely no clue what was happening myself. A few minutes passed and I felt the heaviness begin to lift. A friend sitting next to me said something to me and I responded. I could tell my speech was slurred. She asked me if I was alright. "Yes, I think I'm just tired." OK...I'm a nurse for cryin' out loud! I know something's not right! But, just like any good nurse, I was in complete denial.
As we sat listening to the speaker that morning, I began to feel like myself again. OK, good. All is good. The speaker was great and I was so glad that I came. The session would be short that day and as it continued I suddenly felt a strange sensation come over the right side of my face. It was numb. My right eye felt very heavy and it felt as though the entire right side of my face was drawn downward. Oh my goodness. This has to be my imagination, I thought. Suddenly my right leg began to tingle. And then my right arm. So, just like any good ER nurse, I began to do a quick and silent stroke test on myself. Grips? Ok, when I squeeze my hands, my right one is definitely weaker. Sensation? I scratched my face on both sides. Oh boy... less sensation on the right. Facial droop? I smiled to see if I could determine symmetry. When I smiled, the right side of my mouth quivered uncontrollably. What in the world do I do? I don't want to cause any attention. The speaker is just about done, I can tell. I will wait for her to finish and then I will slowly stand to make sure that I can walk and then I will go to my room and look in a mirror. I need a mirror. I need to see what my face looks like. Sounded like good reasoning to me. So I waited. And waited. About 30 minutes went by and she finished. When we stood to take a last break, I stood slowly. My right leg was definitely weaker than the left, but I could walk. I didn't speak to anyone. I walked to my room. I looked in the mirror. My heart sank at what I saw. My mouth was drooped down on the right side and my right eye sank. I knew that I had to get help. I knew that I was having a stroke.
The following week was uneventful, outside of anxiety, which I was learning to live with. Mark came into the kitchen and told me he was going to Homeland to get some milk and a few other groceries we needed. He would later tell me that the blank look I had on my face probably meant that I didn't hear him, which was not a rare occurance. But, I heard him. I just could not make sense of what he said. I responded with "I don't know what Homeland is". I knew that I should know. I just didn't. My head felt heavy and confused. It scared both of us. Later that night, Mark and I were in the kitchen together. I said something and Mark nervously laughed. "Kim, you are talking but you aren't making any sense." Wow. What was happening? Were the proteins attacking my neuron receptors just like the doctor said they would? The next day I called the doctor and told him what had happened. He wanted me to see a neurologist. But no big hurry, evidently. They had made an appointment for me for 2 weeks later. Hmmm....something didn't feel right about that. Not sure why.
Two days later, on October 1st, 2009, I went on a women's retreat with my church. I gotta say, I was a bit nervous to go because my anxiety was still way out of control and I wasn't quite sure what was happening in my brain after what had taken place just 2 days earlier. I was determined to not allow this "condition" to keep me from doing the things I wanted to do. So I went. I checked into the hotel where the retreat would take place. That night, I laughed, I cried, I did all the things any normal woman does at a great retreat where women are gathered together in Christ. It was awesome. It was beautiful. It was what I needed.
The next morning, I awoke and went down to meet everyone for breakfast. There was a lot of conversation going on during breakfast and I joined right in. All of a sudden the chattering going on around me became muffled. I knew something wasn't right. My head felt very full. It was as though I could hear people talking but couldn't make any sense of it and certainly couldn't respond. I didn't want anyone to know what was going on, since I had absolutely no clue what was happening myself. A few minutes passed and I felt the heaviness begin to lift. A friend sitting next to me said something to me and I responded. I could tell my speech was slurred. She asked me if I was alright. "Yes, I think I'm just tired." OK...I'm a nurse for cryin' out loud! I know something's not right! But, just like any good nurse, I was in complete denial.
As we sat listening to the speaker that morning, I began to feel like myself again. OK, good. All is good. The speaker was great and I was so glad that I came. The session would be short that day and as it continued I suddenly felt a strange sensation come over the right side of my face. It was numb. My right eye felt very heavy and it felt as though the entire right side of my face was drawn downward. Oh my goodness. This has to be my imagination, I thought. Suddenly my right leg began to tingle. And then my right arm. So, just like any good ER nurse, I began to do a quick and silent stroke test on myself. Grips? Ok, when I squeeze my hands, my right one is definitely weaker. Sensation? I scratched my face on both sides. Oh boy... less sensation on the right. Facial droop? I smiled to see if I could determine symmetry. When I smiled, the right side of my mouth quivered uncontrollably. What in the world do I do? I don't want to cause any attention. The speaker is just about done, I can tell. I will wait for her to finish and then I will slowly stand to make sure that I can walk and then I will go to my room and look in a mirror. I need a mirror. I need to see what my face looks like. Sounded like good reasoning to me. So I waited. And waited. About 30 minutes went by and she finished. When we stood to take a last break, I stood slowly. My right leg was definitely weaker than the left, but I could walk. I didn't speak to anyone. I walked to my room. I looked in the mirror. My heart sank at what I saw. My mouth was drooped down on the right side and my right eye sank. I knew that I had to get help. I knew that I was having a stroke.
Chapter 5
"Dr. W can't see you for several months, but his nurse practitioner can see you tomorrow." Sounds great. I'm a bit partial to NP's anyway, so even better. The usual took place: blood draw, exam, all the perks of being a woman. When I told her that I was taking an estrogen pill, I saw a look of concern on her face. She told me that effective immediately, I would change from the pill to a gel. Ok. Whatever. Just make me feel better.
The next day, I received a phone call from Dr W's office. Well actually, Dr. W himself. He told me that he needed to see me as soon as possible. Like tomorrow. He told me not to worry, but he just needed to see me face to face. OK, first of all, I'm a woman. When a doctor says those words to you, your mind immediately begins to race. And keep in mind, I'm already suffering from severe anxiety....need I say more?
To say this guy was an odd duck would be an understatement. He sat in his little round stool with his legs criss-crossed. But I immediately liked him. I sensed his compassion from the moment he began to talk. His first words? "I wanted to see you face to face because I thought I would see a crazy woman." Okie dokie. Please continue. "Your hormone levels are more out of whack than any I've seen...and I've seen many. Your estrogen levels are 100 times normal. This equates to you having 40 sets of ovaries!" Hmmmm...interesting, considering I don't have any ovaries! He continued, "the massive amount of estrogen in your body is causing your liver to produce very dangerous proteins. One of those proteins will try to get rid of the extra estrogen and when it cannot do so, it binds to receptors in the brain; the receptors that create 'normalcy' in our thoughts and moods, like dopamine, norepinephrine, and seratonin. So to tell you the truth, I'm quite surprised that you don't feel as though you're going crazy...or severely depressed." Wow. I guess anxiety is definitely the lesser of the evils, huh? After catching my breath, I said, "Well, I don't feel crazy, just extremely anxious." He proceeded to tell me that he would start me on an antidepressant immediately because he said that eventually the chemicals in my brain would be affected. Oh super, I can hardly wait to get home to tell Mark the news! Climb aboard, family of mine, the ride is about to get even more interesting!!
The next day, I received a phone call from Dr W's office. Well actually, Dr. W himself. He told me that he needed to see me as soon as possible. Like tomorrow. He told me not to worry, but he just needed to see me face to face. OK, first of all, I'm a woman. When a doctor says those words to you, your mind immediately begins to race. And keep in mind, I'm already suffering from severe anxiety....need I say more?
To say this guy was an odd duck would be an understatement. He sat in his little round stool with his legs criss-crossed. But I immediately liked him. I sensed his compassion from the moment he began to talk. His first words? "I wanted to see you face to face because I thought I would see a crazy woman." Okie dokie. Please continue. "Your hormone levels are more out of whack than any I've seen...and I've seen many. Your estrogen levels are 100 times normal. This equates to you having 40 sets of ovaries!" Hmmmm...interesting, considering I don't have any ovaries! He continued, "the massive amount of estrogen in your body is causing your liver to produce very dangerous proteins. One of those proteins will try to get rid of the extra estrogen and when it cannot do so, it binds to receptors in the brain; the receptors that create 'normalcy' in our thoughts and moods, like dopamine, norepinephrine, and seratonin. So to tell you the truth, I'm quite surprised that you don't feel as though you're going crazy...or severely depressed." Wow. I guess anxiety is definitely the lesser of the evils, huh? After catching my breath, I said, "Well, I don't feel crazy, just extremely anxious." He proceeded to tell me that he would start me on an antidepressant immediately because he said that eventually the chemicals in my brain would be affected. Oh super, I can hardly wait to get home to tell Mark the news! Climb aboard, family of mine, the ride is about to get even more interesting!!
Chapter 4
The pain was terrible. It was on the left side of my lower abdomen. I assumed it was my ovary. I had been diagnosed with endometriosis a number of years earlier and had several surgeries to get rid of it. My doctor suggested a hysterectomy. My other ovary was removed a few years prior due to endometriosis as well, so I had no qualms about it....yes indeed, let's get rid of all of it at one time. Made perfect sense. The surgery was scheduled for February of 2009. I was living on Ibuprofen for the pain, so the sooner the better.
All went as planned with the surgery. Indeed, endometriosis and lots of it. My recovery was uneventful for the most part. Everyone told me how much better I would feel. While I was off work for six weeks (I was a nurse in an ER), I decided to look at some universities and perhaps put my master's degree to work. I wanted to teach. I loved this profession of nursing and wanted to introduce students to my passion while it was indeed still a passion. As the days and weeks went by, I felt anything but better. I was plagued with that familiar feeling of anxiety...at its worst. I began to have hot flashes like I'd never experienced before. Oh boy...here we go again. I called my doctor and told her what was happening and she changed my patch to an estrogen pill and increased the dose. Several days went by. Worse. I called again. She increased the dose again. A couple of weeks went by. Is it my imagination or is it still worsening? It became difficult to function. And another emotion I had not experienced since the hormonal issue was discovered for me....insecurity. Ugghhh.... How can a normally independent, confident woman suddenly be searching for security? I clung to my family and I clung to a few chosen friends. Although I felt safe in doing so, I would learn that clinging to people is not the answer. I was scared. I wasn't myself and all I could hope for is that those that loved me would stand by me...would fight this battle with me...would accept me in my weakness. Little did I know the battle that I would face in the days ahead. I called my doctor again. She increased my dosage to the maximum dose allowed. Surely this would take care of it. I suffered through a few more weeks. I reluctantly called again. I was told by her nurse, "she says you're on the maximum dose you can be on. sorry." So........I live with this? I just try to adjust my life around my anxiety? My insecurity increased as well. I had always been a very confident woman. This was unfamiliar to me. But as the next few months went by, it became all too familiar. I became so insecure that those closest to me didn't know me for who I once was. I didn't know myself. What was happening?! I cried to my Lord. I cried to my family. It was August and I was mentally and physically exhausted. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating. A friend suggested that I go see a hormone specialist. I would try anything to make me feel better. Anything.
All went as planned with the surgery. Indeed, endometriosis and lots of it. My recovery was uneventful for the most part. Everyone told me how much better I would feel. While I was off work for six weeks (I was a nurse in an ER), I decided to look at some universities and perhaps put my master's degree to work. I wanted to teach. I loved this profession of nursing and wanted to introduce students to my passion while it was indeed still a passion. As the days and weeks went by, I felt anything but better. I was plagued with that familiar feeling of anxiety...at its worst. I began to have hot flashes like I'd never experienced before. Oh boy...here we go again. I called my doctor and told her what was happening and she changed my patch to an estrogen pill and increased the dose. Several days went by. Worse. I called again. She increased the dose again. A couple of weeks went by. Is it my imagination or is it still worsening? It became difficult to function. And another emotion I had not experienced since the hormonal issue was discovered for me....insecurity. Ugghhh.... How can a normally independent, confident woman suddenly be searching for security? I clung to my family and I clung to a few chosen friends. Although I felt safe in doing so, I would learn that clinging to people is not the answer. I was scared. I wasn't myself and all I could hope for is that those that loved me would stand by me...would fight this battle with me...would accept me in my weakness. Little did I know the battle that I would face in the days ahead. I called my doctor again. She increased my dosage to the maximum dose allowed. Surely this would take care of it. I suffered through a few more weeks. I reluctantly called again. I was told by her nurse, "she says you're on the maximum dose you can be on. sorry." So........I live with this? I just try to adjust my life around my anxiety? My insecurity increased as well. I had always been a very confident woman. This was unfamiliar to me. But as the next few months went by, it became all too familiar. I became so insecure that those closest to me didn't know me for who I once was. I didn't know myself. What was happening?! I cried to my Lord. I cried to my family. It was August and I was mentally and physically exhausted. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating. A friend suggested that I go see a hormone specialist. I would try anything to make me feel better. Anything.
Chapter 3
Unfortunately, the story doesn't end there. Oh how I wish that it did. What I would give to erase the next year of my life and change it up a bit. But if we are truly dedicated to wanting Christ's perfect will for our lives, then we take what comes our way and give God the glory. Right??? Well, I truly was dedicated to wanting only what Christ had in store for me. In fact, I prayed that prayer consistently..."Lord, do whatever it takes to make me into the woman of Christ you want me to be." Whatever it takes. Just prior to entering 2009, I wrote in my journal:
12/27/08: As I enter a new year, I pray that 2009 will be one of change. Change for me. Change for my family. May my world be forever changed because of what you choose to do in my life in 2009. Unleash your power that my world will be rocked, never to be the same. No more status quo, no more midstream, take us higher, to new levels of intimacy with You. Choose me, Father.
I gotta be honest here. I'm not certain that I could write that with such zeal had I known just what 2009 truly would hold for me and for my family. In fact, I'm not sure I would have written it at all. Just being honest. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes. Hmmm....
I am one of those that writes in my bible. I love to put dates beside certain scripture that mean something special to me at a certain time in my life. The other day I came across Isaiah 43:1-3 and beside it was a date just prior to what would be the most devastating months of my life and next to the date I wrote, 'He is preparing me for the future'. Indeed.
12/27/08: As I enter a new year, I pray that 2009 will be one of change. Change for me. Change for my family. May my world be forever changed because of what you choose to do in my life in 2009. Unleash your power that my world will be rocked, never to be the same. No more status quo, no more midstream, take us higher, to new levels of intimacy with You. Choose me, Father.
I gotta be honest here. I'm not certain that I could write that with such zeal had I known just what 2009 truly would hold for me and for my family. In fact, I'm not sure I would have written it at all. Just being honest. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes. Hmmm....
I am one of those that writes in my bible. I love to put dates beside certain scripture that mean something special to me at a certain time in my life. The other day I came across Isaiah 43:1-3 and beside it was a date just prior to what would be the most devastating months of my life and next to the date I wrote, 'He is preparing me for the future'. Indeed.
Chapter 2
So I landed in a psych facility because I went crazy, right? Well, yes and no. I am a 49"ish" year old woman that never suffered from PMS in my "earlier" years....lived life to the absolute fullest....took on way more than I should....was passionate about my God, my family, and my friends. I had it all together! yep...well, not so much...something called hormones began to enter the Bryan household and slowly but surely took over. It snuck up on me and it consumed me before I knew what had happened.
Like I said, never had a day of PMS. In fact, pretty much poo-pooed it when I heard stories of women "going crazy" due to hormones. And then life happened. A close friend died and as I sat at his side while he was dying, he asked me to speak at his funeral. I soon afterward began to have a lot of chest discomfort and ended up having a cardiac catheterization. I was in the process of completing my master's degree in nursing education and the time it was consuming on top of everything else...well, it ate my lunch. All of this happened within a month's time period. This woman that "thrived" on stress was now being beat up by it. I found myself with anxiety. Lots of anxiety. I recognized it well because I had gone through a year of supporting a dear friend that was suffering from it. Little did I know that it was right around the corner for me. It came on fast and furious. I would later discover that this was a sure sign of perimenopause...and the previous months of extra stress had thrown me right into the depths of it ready or not! There were several months of suffering ... ok, not just me, but my entire family. My husband, Mark and my three kids went through the ups and downs with me. And what a ride it was! But the good news? My female doctor was wise enough to call it for what it was and put me on an estrogen patch. Ok, I'm not exaggerating when I say that within 24 hours I felt like a new woman. Soooo... perhaps I shouldn't have been so very quick to judge those poor worn-out women that called their life issues "hormones". Now I get it. I'm right there with ya, sister.
Like I said, never had a day of PMS. In fact, pretty much poo-pooed it when I heard stories of women "going crazy" due to hormones. And then life happened. A close friend died and as I sat at his side while he was dying, he asked me to speak at his funeral. I soon afterward began to have a lot of chest discomfort and ended up having a cardiac catheterization. I was in the process of completing my master's degree in nursing education and the time it was consuming on top of everything else...well, it ate my lunch. All of this happened within a month's time period. This woman that "thrived" on stress was now being beat up by it. I found myself with anxiety. Lots of anxiety. I recognized it well because I had gone through a year of supporting a dear friend that was suffering from it. Little did I know that it was right around the corner for me. It came on fast and furious. I would later discover that this was a sure sign of perimenopause...and the previous months of extra stress had thrown me right into the depths of it ready or not! There were several months of suffering ... ok, not just me, but my entire family. My husband, Mark and my three kids went through the ups and downs with me. And what a ride it was! But the good news? My female doctor was wise enough to call it for what it was and put me on an estrogen patch. Ok, I'm not exaggerating when I say that within 24 hours I felt like a new woman. Soooo... perhaps I shouldn't have been so very quick to judge those poor worn-out women that called their life issues "hormones". Now I get it. I'm right there with ya, sister.
Chapter 1: It all began...
Six months ago today, I was roaming the halls of a locked-down psych facility...what I lovingly call "the nuthouse". I was taken there the night before, not exactly by choice...but not a lot that had happened over the previous 8 months was by choice either.
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