Journal entry, 8 am, Thursday
Well, I'm still at the nuthouse. I got a new roommate in the middle of the night. She's a few years older than me. She's still sleeping. She didn't go to breakfast. I can't blame her, I was there only days before. She looks familiar. I don't know, maybe we all start to look the same after a while. ha! God, I'm so much better and I thank you for that. I can laugh with the people here. We played dominoes last night until they made us go to bed. Joe is an interesting 21 year old that has been in and out of facilities for several years. It sounds like he comes from a good family. He's smart, he's cute, and he's very personable. God, there are so many 'normal' people hurting. A new girl, Cindy, shared yesterday in group how she was here again after a year's time, exactly. One year ago it was because her husband died unexpectedly. She spoke of their time together and how she spiraled into depression after his death. She was here this time because of a suicide attempt. It was the anniversary of his death and she couldn't take the pain anymore. My heart broke for her. It broke for her in a way that it wouldn't have in days past.
Journal entry, 6pm, Thursday
I sit and wait for friends and family to come to see me. Just one more hour. It's the highlight of my day. The things we take for granted. I haven't been outside for 48 hours. I miss the warm sun hitting my face. Is this really happening? I just keep wishing I would wake up. If only I had my hormone levels checked and rechecked after my surgery. Did it truly have to come to this? I was digging into the Word and seeking Your face daily...why didn't I receive discernment? I guess it would make more sense if I wasn't looking into Your eyes everyday. Somewhere I missed it. Even though I know this is not a 'spiritual' battle...it is biological and chemical, it just leaves me wondering if I missed something.
My roommate is so sad. She reminds me of when I first arrived here only a few days ago when I felt so alone. I've worked hard at making her feel 'at home'. She's starting to respond to me. I knew that I recognized her. She was a television personality a few years ago. She was brought here against her will by her daughter after suffering from depression and having suicidal thoughts. I have a heartfelt compassion for her. She's beginning to respond to me. Use me Lord.
9:30pm, Thursday
I feel very numb to a lot of things right now. It was good to see so many friends and family tonight and be with them. I know I look so bad. My hair is, well it's my hair at its finest, no make up, and I'm sure I've lost a lot of weight since I've been here. My doctor started me on a pill to increase my hunger last night. I haven't eaten anything....I mean NOTHING since I got here on Sunday. Until tonight. OK, that pill kicked in big time. At approximately 5pm, I ate every bite of my food at dinner. The guys were a bit disappointed as I usually give them my food. Then tonight at 'snack time', I ate 3 sandwiches, 2 bananas, 1 bowl of cereal, 2 graham crackers, and 2 containers of ice cream. Yes, indeed, the pill kicked in. This still feels like a dream. The shame is almost unbearable. I lay in this bed and I look at the bare wall in front of me and I still can't believe I'm in this place. I actually lost my mind. How am I supposed to live with that fact? Will I ever respect myself again? How do I start over? God, your voice seems pretty quiet, or maybe my shame won't allow me to approach You like I'd like to. I need Your touch right now. I need to know that You've forgiven me. I want to go home, but I'm scared. I'm afraid I'll crash again. I'm afraid I'll let my shame get the best of me. I'm so afraid. But truth be known, I've been afraid for quite some time. Please help me to rest. Quiet my mind. I just need peace. I don't feel the depression that I had come to know well for several weeks, but yet I feel so exposed. I guess I'm disgusted that I allowed myself to become so weak. And even worse? That I allowed others to see me at my weakest.
Journal entry, Friday morning
I am still struggling with what I've done and the impact that it will have on my life and my relationships. I can't help but wonder if even those that know me best and know me for who I truly am will look differently at me in the days ahead. I'm so sorry that I've put them through my hell. I certainly don't deserve their grace, but I'm not sure I will make it without it. My friends come to see me in this place, they look me in the eyes and they tell me that they believe in me. My brother came to see me. Tears filled his eyes as he said, "I know you, Kim. This isn't who you are. You've been sick, but you will get through this and I will stay by your side and make sure that happens." I am so blessed to have others in my life that refuse to give up on me. My mind goes over every detail that I can remember of Saturday night. I snapped. I will see the doctor this morning and I think he's going to release me to go home. Ugghhh... the very thought of it brings a sense of excitement and a sense of pure panic! Yesterday in group I shared that I want this whole nightmare of an experience to make me better, not worse. That is my prayer, Father. Do what You want to with this woman. I'm broken like I've never been broken before. I don't plan on being "in this place" for long. I long to heal. I long to grow. I long to be the best I can be. I've made choices over the past few weeks that even though I wasn't in my right mind, I am still responsible for. I have a lot to face in my tomorrows. grace.......that's a great word, grace.
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