Chapter 20

"Yet in all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." Romans 8:37. My friend KK had brought me a bible the night before. I didn't want my bible up there, it was too precious to me. I couldn't take a chance on something happening to it. This was one that she had gotten at Life Church that they handed out to new believers. I was so thankful to have it today.

After group, they called me to the medication station. I would be taking my regular medications, as well as the Ritalin. It didn't take long for it to kick in. It was a strange sensation I was feeling. My heart was racing, I couldn't sit still even for a moment, and the woman that only hours before had absolutely nothing to say to anyone, suddenly couldn't shut up. Let's face it. It was speed and it was doing more than "restarting my engine"! Kay (my roommate) laughed out loud as she lay on the bed and watched me. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh at you, but a few hours ago, you were lying in your bed or walking around wrapped up in a blanket having absolutely nothing to say to anyone. And now....well, you are pacing the floors and you are talking. Boy are you talking! I think I like this Kim better. I think." She was not the only one that saw the new Kim in action. I went to lunch and although I didn't eat a bite of food, I think I kept them entertained. Some just blankly stared at me......I'll have what she's having. No, they didn't say that, but I feel certain that's what they were thinking! Maybe not.

It was strange. As 'high' as I felt, I still felt the sting of depression. If I did sit for any period of time, my mind immediately reviewed the events of the past 72 hours. I was thankful for the brief periods of relief and release from the shame, the hopelessness. In the afternoon, Susan, one of the nurses, came and found me to give me another Ritalin. She joked and said she was going to give me some cleaning utensils and watch me go to work on the place! I was developing a special bond with the nurses. I had always said, "I could never be a psych nurse. Too boring. Who wants to talk to crazy people all day?" Consider this nurse's perspective changed. These women made all the difference in the world to me. They were so kind. They were nonjudgmental. They didn't speak down to me...they spoke to me as a peer. It takes a very special person to be a psych nurse, and these nurses were true to their profession. They were special.

Another announcement. "It's activities time! We'll be going outside today. Meet in the lounge if you would like to go outside." The things we take for granted. I had not seen the light of day or enjoyed the sunshine's warmth since my kayaking trip on Saturday. As we walked outside, I wasn't even bothered by the high fences that outlined the yard and small basketball court. I took a deep breath of fresh air. Thank you Father, thank you for this moment, right now. A young black guy, probably about 19 began to play basketball. Soon another joined him. They were good. They knew what they were doing, no doubt about that. I jumped up. "Can I play with you guys?" They looked at each other and smiled, "sure you can". I'm not gonna lie. I couldn't even begin to keep up with them, but I do think they were a little surprised that this old, white gal could shoot some hoops with them. It was the highlight of my day. I loved every second of it.

It was close to the visiting hour. I wish I had some make-up to touch up with. It was not allowed. I wondered if Mark would come. And Sara? Although she was 18, I wasn't sure she would be able to handle seeing me in this place. I had spoken with the boys on the phone earlier in the day. They cried as they told me that they were ok. Luke said, "Mom, don't worry about us. Please just get better so you can come home. We need you." How would they have ever gotten over the pain of their mother killing herself? And why didn't thoughts of my husband and children keep me from even going down that path? The doctor's explaination made the most sense. "A portion of your brain literally shut off". No reasoning...no judgment....no guilt....no fear.
I would see Sara that night. Her and Mark sat at the table in the dining room. She was sobbing. We held each other and cried for several minutes. Mark still appeared numb. I was just glad he was there. There was so much pain in his eyes. They didn't stay long. They told me there were several here to see me and they would only allow two at a time. It was bittersweet. I hated for people to see me this way and in this place, but I treasured every minute of being with those that loved me. They still loved me. As I hugged the last one good-bye while the staff stood by waiting to lock the door, one of the techs, Mike said, "I think you are setting records here for the most visitors!" I wasn't interested in setting any records, but I was thankful. I was blessed. I certainly didn't deserve this amount of grace....this amount of love that was being poured out, but it gave me insight to what God's grace can do when it's displayed through others. It's nothing short of amazing.