Chapter 18

"I only came because I felt like I should, Kim. I wasn't ready to see you." I know Mark was being honest with me, but it killed me to hear those words. He was angry and confused. He had been lied to and manipulated for several days by the one person he loved and trusted more than anyone on the planet. It had not been an easy marriage, but after 28 years we were best friends and closer than ever. He tried to protect me the past several weeks and felt like a failure. He was hurt at the core of who he was as a man, as a husband. When the doors closed behind him, I was left with the reality that I may have lost him. That was a reality that I could not face.

I found the phones again and began making calls. As I was talking to a friend, a 'tough' looking African-American woman came up to me and said "Your time is up. It's my turn to use the phone. You need to get off!" Ok, so to say that it was uncharacteristic of me to reply the way I did would be an understatement, but I was out of my mind, right? "Get outta here! I'll be off in a minute!" I walked back to my room and I could feel the stares. I was not making friends fast, but this would not be a place I would make friends. Or so I thought.

As I walked into my room, I smelled cigarettes and alcohol and heard the sound of either a train or a loud snore, not sure. Huh oh, wrong room. I quickly walked out and looked at the hand written names posted on the door. No, it was my room. But there's another name there as well. Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, it did. The tears began to flow again as I sat on the floor in the hall outside of my room. I'm not sure, but I think I felt the wall shake with her every breath. Really, Lord? Really?

Dinner came and went. I sat in the dining room but ate nothing. I had no appetite. A younger gal, about 35 years old, came and sat next to me at the table. She introduced herself as Pam. She appeared comfortable in this place. She knew everyone by name. She had a sweet spirit about her. She had obviously been in this place for some time. I answered her questions but had nothing more to offer. She certainly appeared pretty 'normal'. I wondered what her story was.
As I walked back to my room, my eyes caught glimpse of a woman sitting in a wheelchair. She gently grabbed my hand. I stopped and looked at her. She slowly stood up and held her arms out. "I've been wanting to do this all day." She hugged me as though she understood my pain. She held me tightly as I sobbed. I could feel the eyes of those around us, but I didn't care. This was exactly what I needed at this very moment.

Journal entry, Sunday night, 10pm:
I got to see my sister in law and a few friends tonight during the visiting hour. I needed to see familiar faces that still love me. It was so difficult to tell them good-bye. I never knew I could feel so lonely. God, get me through this night, and then tomorrow. How do I live through tomorrow? How do I come out of this ok? I am so very alone in this place. I'm so scared.

Journal entry, Monday morning, 6am:
I have decided that I'm not going to make any phone calls today. It's just me and God today. I cannot believe I'm at this place in my life, but I am. God, it's just me and you today. Please make yourself very known to me. I am seeking you. Please allow me to feel the stroke of your hand. So I lay here in this bed next to a woman on the other bed that I don't know, who sounds as though when she coughs, her lung is going to hit me in the side of face. Yep, this is rock bottom. The only way is up.