Chapter 21

It was Tuesday morning. What a difference a day made. So much had occurred the day before that I woke up feeling hopeful for today. What would it bring? The day would prove to be one of the toughest of my journey. To tell you the truth, I couldn't have prepared myself for what the next few hours would hold. I tell you about the events of the day with the specific purpose of showing what the illness of depression and the effects of hormones can do to others involved. Over the past several days I lost something very precious to me, my dignity. Today I would lose something else precious to me...a friendship.

I have written and rewritten this chapter over and over. It's a tough one to write. I considered leaving this part of the story out, but I don't want to water down the events that have taken place. It's a difficult part of my story to relive, but it is a very real part of not only my illness, but of my healing. So I will tell this portion of my story with truth, but also with integrity. During the months leading up to my breakdown, I struggled with the response of my friend, KE and clung to this verse in Psalms. It says, "Keep my soul and deliver me. Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You. Let integrity and uprightness preserve me for I will wait for You." I tell this with KE's permission and even her blessing. I guess that shows her character and why I grew to love her so deeply as a friend and why I grieved so in the loss of that friendship.

KE had contacted the facility the day before and asked for permission to meet with me and one of the therapists sometime over the next few days. It was arranged with the therapist and I agreed to meet with them at 1pm today. She told them that she felt she was one of the reasons I was in this place. Did she not see that it would not have mattered if she would have been on this journey every step of the way....the result would have been the same? I would be glad to see her. I had called her Saturday night in the parking lot while waiting for my prescription to be filled. I know the call upset her. She showed up moments later just prior to the arrival of the police and saw me in a 'crazed' state of mind. I mentioned earlier that we had experienced 'life' together over the past 3 years of our friendship. We had connected in an unusual way from the beginning. She had gone to nursing school as an adult as I had and was in her last year. I was about to finish my master's degree in nursing education. She had some very real concerns about completing school and starting her career as a mom and a wife. I had a special place in my heart for nursing students and it felt as though the Lord had given me a heart for her from the start. The next several months would be spent talking a lot, praying together, and encouraging each other through the end of our time of education. We became very close very quickly. We not only shared the love of nursing, but also a very deep love for our Lord and for our family. After she graduated and began her new graduate orientation, she began to struggle severely with anxiety. I won't share her struggles with you out of respect for her privacy. I will just say that the next year was a journey that was tough for her and her family. The Lord gave me an incredible compassion for her during this time. She had become like a little sister to me and I walked very closely with her during this journey. Too closely? Perhaps, but the Lord had given me a heart for people and He had certainly given me a heart for her. Was it unhealthy? Neither of us thought so at the time. Are there supposed to be boundaries established for those that are hurting and need you? To what extent does the passage mean, "carry each other's burdens"? I was not really a person with too many boundaries. I didn't let people run over me, but my dad had taught me and shown me by example throughout my life that you should always give 100% of yourself, whatever the situation. I wasn't good at asking others for help and always feared being "needy", but loved helping others during their time of need. That is not a statement of pride. Believe me, I now know that that's not necessarily the healthiest way to be in any relationship. I trusted her with my "need". As my boundaries broadened, hers were closing in. The more I wanted her on this journey with me, she began to feel "smothered". I needed her to trust that although I was changing before her eyes, I was the same friend that I was a year ago. I needed her to believe in me when I reached a point that I couldn't believe in myself. That's not fair to ask of anyone. I related to Paul as he spoke to the Corinthians. He said, "Have we not shared the same spirit? Have we not walked the same path?" Perhaps it was too fresh for her, too familiar. I was becoming very sick. My hormones were escalating out of control and so were my insecurities. Yuck! This was not a feeling I was familiar with and this confident, strong woman was feeling scared and weak.

As October 31st drew near, it didn't matter who was on this path with me. I don't say that carelessly, I say that because I reached a point that no matter who and no matter how many joined me on this journey, it wouldn't prevent my crashing. The Lord had sent so many friends and family to fight this battle with me. In the end, it was me and death fighting it out and my Lord was the only one that could save me. He did.

When KE arrived, I would learn that her mom and sister had brought her. They were in the waiting room. These are the two women that I spent many hours with praying for K. Our hearts broke together for her. Seemed ironic that they were the ones that brought her to this place. KE, the therapist Ron, and myself sat in a room. I was medicated and it was difficult to focus. The hormone patch they placed on me a few hours earlier had not taken effect yet. Over the next hour, we talked, we cried and I agreed to do what she had come to do...end the friendship. There was a look of distance in her eyes. This friend that once treasured what we shared no longer believed in me. That's a tough reality to grasp. She was doing what she thought was best for her and her family. Was her intent to kick me while I was down? It felt like it at the moment, but I knew her better than that. I knew that she had come then because she thought I would have the support needed to deal with this meeting. What she didn't know, though, is that when she walked out those doors, so did Ron. There would be no one to talk to me about what had just taken place. I had no family or friends to cry with me. This illness had cost me so much. "Whatever it takes, Lord"....hmmmm, my dignity....my self-respect....my reputation...my best friend. Oh God, this cannot be a part of your plan. I am your child. I layed on my bed and looked at the familiar ceiling. I was never more alone than I was at that moment. I would remain there for several hours until I heard the announcement, "Kim B., you have visitors in the dining hall." I'm not sure I was up for visitors, but as I walked in and saw my sister-in-law and brother-in-law from Colorado sitting there, a peace came over me. The warmth of their hugs told me that I was going to make it. I would see Mark a few minutes later. The look in his eyes was different. He held my hand and told me that he had come to the realization that I was sick during the previous days, that I truly didn't know what I was doing. The anger was replaced with gentleness and compassion.Thank you, Father. You knew what I needed at that exact moment and that's precisely what You gave me.

A sidenote to this chapter:
I wish I could say that our friendship was restored and is healthy and whole. The fact is, we are both healing from a very difficult journey of life. I'm not gonna lie. I would rather be healing with my buddy by my side, but I have a feeling that when she thinks of me, she breathes a word of prayer for me....I know I do her. I am so thankful that our paths crossed. We have shared some fabulous times of just being crazy women that loved to spend time together laughing (I mean gut-wrenching laughter), praying and seeking the Lord's face together, and encouraging one another in life and in love. Being friends with her has challenged me to be better wife, a better mother, and a better servant of Christ. One of the many highlights of our friendship? When we took a trip to Mexico.....we sat in an open air restaurant on the beach and told each other the things we love most about our husbands. We may not ever share those times again, but I have absolutely no regrets, my sweet friend, for our time together. You have blessed me.

An update (as of May, 2013):   Since the last entry was written (3 years ago), a lot has taken place that I think deserves updating. I spent much of my energy over the past 3 years attempting to find 'closure' in what happened in this relationship. Turns out, what I needed was healing. I just needed to the Lord to heal the brokenness that was there. During my healing, the Lord revealed a truth to me. He showed me that in the very beginning of our relationship (mine & KE's), during a time when KE was struggling immensely with anxiety and depression, I was 'too' involved. He asked me to back off and to allow Him to do what He needed to do in her life. I couldn't do it. I was afraid she would feel like I was abandoning her and I couldn't do it. It was disobedience. The Lord revealed it so clearly to me recently and I knew it was truth....it hit me like a ton of bricks! It was at that moment of disobedience that our friendship took a turn. The Lord's hand was no longer 'on' it.  A beautiful, kindred friendship turned unhealthy very quickly. I have met with KE since the Lord revealed that truth to me and I confessed my disobedience. It was painful for both of us. She has carried the weight of abandoning her best friend for several years. I watched that weight lift that night, as tears poured down her face. I will regret that moment of disobedience for the rest of my life, but will embrace the grace of my Lord and Savior, as well as the grace of KE and her family. The pain from our past has created many wounds for both of us. But those wounds no longer ooze and bleed...they have healed and are now scars. We look at each other and undoubtedly see those scars, how can we not?  With the Lord's continued healing touch, our scars no longer bring a sense of shame, but rather restoration and redemption.