I had a lot of visitors again last night and it helped me to hear their words of grace and acceptance. I can't believe I have put them through this. I am faced this morning with the reality that I ran off a friend. Ugghh. How do I get over the shame and embarrassment of that? My heart is broken. It hit me at the core of who I am. I have always attracted friends, not run them off. Today I can't focus on that. My mind feels different this morning. I feel more clear. I think the hormone patch has kicked in. It's almost like I can breathe again. Can I really be that dependent on hormones? All I know is that I feel better. My roommate is going home this morning. I will miss her. I have had the opportunity to pray with her over the past few days. I think she's going to go to Celebrate Recovery at Western Oaks. I told her I would go with her if she wanted me to. We'll see. Father, please help her to stay strong. Help her to lean on you. Use me in any way you want to in the days ahead to be your arms to her. I can't believe how my eyes have been opened to "the other side". There are definitely some crazies in here, but for the most part it's full of people just like me that need some temporary help. I am making some dear friends in this place. I have found the strength to laugh again. They have touched my life. I wish I would have let my friends talk me into coming here a couple of weeks ago. They would've had to drag me here by my nappy head of hair. I feel safe in this place. Who knew?
Journal entry, Wednesday afternoon
I just got back from being outside. The small things in life that we take for granted. I felt like a little kid when the activities director announced overhead that today's activity time would be held outside. My insides lept with excitement! Wierd, the different perspective I have in this place.
The depression is lifting and I can't believe how much better I feel! But it doesn't keep my mind from playing and replaying the events of Saturday night. Oh God, how do I get past the shame? How do I face the outside world again? I wonder who knows about it and what they must be saying. I hope my boys aren't having to hear anything about it at school. Bethany's a small town. Everyone knows everything. Please protect them, Father. I don't want them to have to experience any shame because of what I did. When I met with the doctor this morning, he was amazed at how much 'different' I was. He said that this has been very educational for him. He knew that hormones play a big role in women's lives, but the fact that I started my estrogen patch yesterday and the huge difference in how I looked today and even how I spoke was proof to him. He said that I have a sparkle in my eyes this morning that I didn't have yesterday morning. He spoke to Mark on the phone while I was in the office and they decided together that although I was so much better, they would both feel better if I stayed a couple more days. Mark admitted that he was not quite ready for me to come home yet. That didn't hurt my feelings. I understand. I'm not sure I'm ready yet. I talked to Logan later and he said that he was excited that I might get to come home on Friday. Home....bittersweet.
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