I have just recently published my book, "Hope for the Hormonal", based on this blog's entries, as well as devotional readings, designed to give encouragement and hope. You can view the book on amazon.com. It can be purchased as a paperback for $7.99 or on Kindle for $4.99. I'm excited about this book and pray the Lord uses it! If you are a woman that struggles with emotional issues or know someone that does, I pray you will use this book as a source of hope and encouragement.
Closure
There's a lot to be said for closure. In our class at church, we are watching a series called, "Not a fan, but a follower". There's a scene in it that touched me to the core. A man was lying in a hospital bed, recovering from a heart attack, when another gentleman walked in and began to talk to him. He was 'taunting' him with things from his past. As he was finishing, the patient looked up at the man and calmly said, "I need you to leave now". What does that represent for you? What is keeping you from 'moving on'? What do you need to look square in the eye and say, 'I need you to leave now'? I know what it was for me. It was the insecure woman that sank into the depths of despair.....it was the woman that disappointed others in her life.... it was the woman with a label on her forehead, reading different things at different times...sometimes reading Crazy....other times, Ashamed....or Misunderstood....and at times, Alone.... But, it was more than that for me. It was also the need to make things right....to fix what I had broken....to win back the respect that I had given up....to claim back the dignity that was taken.... Now, don't get me wrong. I haven't been wallowing around with this 'guy', but he seems to show up during times of weakness or times when I'm extra vulnerable. He just walks in uninvited. But not anymore.
I'm the kind of gal that needs to have closure in every sense of the word. I don't like things left undone. I don't like leaving broken pieces or open wounds, loose ends untied. Get the analogy? I like closure. I have spent the last 2 years attempting to find closure.....to make closure happen....to not rest until I am satisfied that closure has indeed occurred. You have read my entries of persistent struggles to overcome the shame of yesterday and all that entails. But about a week and a half ago, I said "I need you to leave now" and with the Lord's guidance, took a step of action. The result? I feel closure. Does it look like I initially wanted and needed it to look? No. Behind that door, there are still broken pieces, there remains several loose ends, and wounds that are unhealed and open. Several days ago, I released control. I chose to close the door, trusting my Lord to do whatever He chooses with what is left on the other side. Strangely enough, ya know what I feel? I feel relief. Relief that I don't have to fix the brokenness. I can walk away... and it feels good. Need to uninvite something or someone in your life? It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do. It is.
I'm the kind of gal that needs to have closure in every sense of the word. I don't like things left undone. I don't like leaving broken pieces or open wounds, loose ends untied. Get the analogy? I like closure. I have spent the last 2 years attempting to find closure.....to make closure happen....to not rest until I am satisfied that closure has indeed occurred. You have read my entries of persistent struggles to overcome the shame of yesterday and all that entails. But about a week and a half ago, I said "I need you to leave now" and with the Lord's guidance, took a step of action. The result? I feel closure. Does it look like I initially wanted and needed it to look? No. Behind that door, there are still broken pieces, there remains several loose ends, and wounds that are unhealed and open. Several days ago, I released control. I chose to close the door, trusting my Lord to do whatever He chooses with what is left on the other side. Strangely enough, ya know what I feel? I feel relief. Relief that I don't have to fix the brokenness. I can walk away... and it feels good. Need to uninvite something or someone in your life? It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do. It is.
Idols....
It’s interesting to watch episode after episode of American Idol each season. You watch these ‘nobodies’ slowly become ‘somebody’ simply because of how they are looked at by authorities in the business. Week after week, we watch these ‘nobodies’ gaining confidence, bettering their looks, singing with more authority each time they take the stage. After several weeks of being judged by the music experts, the american audience becomes the judge. Millions of votes are being cast for these ‘nobodies’. In break rooms all over the world, people are comparing notes about them. Some of them are becoming household names, being discussed at the dinner tables of America. Wow. Whether they win or not, they become idols overnight. They are forever changed because of a television show. Some appear to handle it, others clearly do not. Literally overnight, they become placed so high upon a pedestal that people will wait hours just to catch a glimpse of them, to hear them sing. And what they wouldn’t give to actually meet them, to talk to them, to touch them.
There are times in our lives that for one reason or another we are placed upon a pedestal in someone else’s eyes. It feels good. Everything looks pretty good from up there, doesn’t it? But the fact is, we shouldn’t be up there. Whether it’s because we’ve come to someone’s aid, or we have taught a valuable lesson to someone at just the right time, or we’ve been used by God Himself to intervene in someone’s life, we shouldn’t be up there....ever. God is the only one that should ever take that position in anyone’s life.
Perhaps you are that to a friend that is desperately hurting right now. Continue helping her. Continue being used in her life. But get off that pedestal. Take your position next to her. Trust me, the fall from up there is painful. It’s humiliating. Point her eyes upward, not toward you, but toward her Savior. He’s the only one she needs to be looking up to.
Perhaps you are that one that is hurting. You are clamouring for any thread of hope you can. Is there one or maybe more in your life that you are holding way higher than they need to be? Do you hang on to every word they say? Do you immediately call them or text them when the clouds begin to loom? Do you count on them to talk you off that cliff? Do you need their touch to feel healing? Do you find yourself relying on the fact that the Lord will use them to make you feel hope again instead of relying on Him alone to give you hope?
Hear me here, sister. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be Christ in others’ lives....and that we shouldn’t allow others to be Christ in our lives when we are hurting. But we must be careful on both sides of that equation. Before we know it, we can become someone else’s idol or allow someone dear to us to become our idol. God will absolutely use others in our lives to bring hope, to bring healing. But, they cannot become the source of our hope and our healing. Perhaps you are thinking of one right now. If you feel like you have become her source of hope and healing, for cryin’ out loud, don’t abandon her. She needs you. Talk to her. Redirect her gaze toward Him. It may take a while. Remember, you've been an incredible source of strength for her. Do it slowly and do it gently, but do it. He needs to be her Savior, not you. Seek His wisdom in what your role is and be ok with stepping down a notch or two.
If you are the one in need and you know there is one that you are holding too high, relying too heavily on, talk to them about it. Pray with them about it. It will be difficult. You’ve come to rely on them daily. They may not be so eager to give up their position, or they may be relieved to do so. It may be a friend, it may be a sister, or it may even be your husband. Turn your gaze upward and an incredible thing will happen. You won’t have to give them up as a support system.....but He will begin to use them in ways He wants to use them in your life. The support will be anointed by Him. Wow! How I wish someone would’ve told me that when I was suffering.
He means it when He says, “you shall have no other gods before Me”. Yep, He means it.
Seasons
I've thought a lot about the seasons of life lately. There are the seasons of beauty and growth that leaves you in a state of complete peace. You know what I'm talking about, those times in your life when you say to yourself, 'ahhh...life is good', just kinda leaves you sighing and you give thanks. And then there are the seasons of storms. Hmmm....brings about a completely different array of feelings, doesn't it? One stormy season in our life can change everything.
I learned a few days ago that a high school friend committed suicide last week. His family is most likely right in the middle of the biggest storm they have ever faced. And the storms he was trying to endure? My heart breaks for him.
I just returned from a trip to Dallas to visit with my friend, Jan, Galen's wife. You remember Galen from previous chapters in this blog. I want so desperately to take away the dark clouds that still loom every single day from her storm that she experienced several months ago, but I can't. All I can do is walk with her, pray for her, pray with her, and love her through her storm.
A few days ago, I received a call asking me to talk to a woman going through menopause that was suicidal. I did have the privilege of talking to her and I felt as though I was looking into a mirror a year and a half ago. The changes in her life, including a recent divorce, left her so vulnerable to the changes that was happening in her body as well. She was severely depressed. She told me she had not gotten out of bed for anything except to go to the restroom for several days. She told me that she felt like she was running off her friends and had come to the point of not calling them for the help she so desperately needed. She was smack in the middle of a storm, a storm that was raging out of control. Was there hope for her? Absolutely! But when you're standing right in the eye of the storm, it's so difficult to see what's on the other side of that storm. All you can do is try to survive the now.
I don't know what season you are in right now, whether it's one of beauty and prosperity or one of storms and darkness, but here's the deal with seasons.... you have no control over them. But you do have control over what you do with them. If you are in the midst of a raging storm, get the help you need, whatever that looks like, but don't try to just 'wait it out'. It may get worse before it gets better. I know you are feeling very alone. You look up to seek His face and all you see is darkness. You look all around you and the storm is so heavy that you can't even see clear enough to take a step forward. You feel paralyzed with fear, confusion, and hopelessness. I would encourage you to take that step forward, not having any idea where it may lead. And as you begin to walk, you will begin to feel the grasp on your hand that's been there the entire time. You're not alone, that is one thing I know for certain. Perhaps you are on the other side of the storm and you made it through, but you feel so stinkin' beat up, you're not certain you'll ever be the same. Then allow it to change you. Allow it to make you more prepared for future storms of life. Allow it to make you more sensitive to others as they go through their stormy season. And allow it to bring you to the 'end of yourself' and face down before the Almighty God, in the full realization that He alone is your hope. There IS hope, sweet friend. The sun will shine again. I promise.
I learned a few days ago that a high school friend committed suicide last week. His family is most likely right in the middle of the biggest storm they have ever faced. And the storms he was trying to endure? My heart breaks for him.
I just returned from a trip to Dallas to visit with my friend, Jan, Galen's wife. You remember Galen from previous chapters in this blog. I want so desperately to take away the dark clouds that still loom every single day from her storm that she experienced several months ago, but I can't. All I can do is walk with her, pray for her, pray with her, and love her through her storm.
A few days ago, I received a call asking me to talk to a woman going through menopause that was suicidal. I did have the privilege of talking to her and I felt as though I was looking into a mirror a year and a half ago. The changes in her life, including a recent divorce, left her so vulnerable to the changes that was happening in her body as well. She was severely depressed. She told me she had not gotten out of bed for anything except to go to the restroom for several days. She told me that she felt like she was running off her friends and had come to the point of not calling them for the help she so desperately needed. She was smack in the middle of a storm, a storm that was raging out of control. Was there hope for her? Absolutely! But when you're standing right in the eye of the storm, it's so difficult to see what's on the other side of that storm. All you can do is try to survive the now.
I don't know what season you are in right now, whether it's one of beauty and prosperity or one of storms and darkness, but here's the deal with seasons.... you have no control over them. But you do have control over what you do with them. If you are in the midst of a raging storm, get the help you need, whatever that looks like, but don't try to just 'wait it out'. It may get worse before it gets better. I know you are feeling very alone. You look up to seek His face and all you see is darkness. You look all around you and the storm is so heavy that you can't even see clear enough to take a step forward. You feel paralyzed with fear, confusion, and hopelessness. I would encourage you to take that step forward, not having any idea where it may lead. And as you begin to walk, you will begin to feel the grasp on your hand that's been there the entire time. You're not alone, that is one thing I know for certain. Perhaps you are on the other side of the storm and you made it through, but you feel so stinkin' beat up, you're not certain you'll ever be the same. Then allow it to change you. Allow it to make you more prepared for future storms of life. Allow it to make you more sensitive to others as they go through their stormy season. And allow it to bring you to the 'end of yourself' and face down before the Almighty God, in the full realization that He alone is your hope. There IS hope, sweet friend. The sun will shine again. I promise.
He's alive! Is he ever!!!
Today is Easter. The end of a 40 day journey. At the beginning of this journey, I prayed that I would be a different woman on this day.....and indeed I am. I am more at peace than I was 40 days ago and it has nothing to do with anything in particular that's taken place. It's more about Who I've been with. It hasn't been a journey based on emotion. The Lord hasn't imparted great wisdom to me. Believe me, it would take a whole lot longer than 40 days for that to come about! The fact is, is He simply bowed down from heaven and took the time to talk to me.....really talk to me and I just couldn't quite get enough. His voice was so sweet I just wanted to hear more. He was right there when I cried, I mean He was so close that His breath dried my tears. I began this journey seeking resolution to my shame and to my past. What He gave me was restoration. And I saw His face. The longer I sat at His feet, the more intently I saw His face. The need to speak of my shame dissipated, the longing for resolution to my past faded. All the sudden, none of that mattered. I just wanted to stay right there. It didn't matter what was happening around me, I didn't care to look. I began to see Him everywhere .... in the heart of my kids as we prayed together; I saw Him in the eyes of my mother as she looked at me with her childlike wonder; I saw Him in the smile of my sweet friend who got good news of her husband's cancer; I saw Him in my father's heart as he told me of his renewed walk with His Lord and Savior and in his voice as he spoke gentle words of love to his daughter that so needed to hear them; I felt His touch in the hand of a patient who let go of life with grace and dignity, and I felt His joy as I shared laughter with my students, being reminded of why I love being a teacher. I've looked into the eyes of my Savior and I'm different because of it.
I finished up a women's bible study that I was involved in as well. It was based on 5 women that literally changed history. They were all in the lineage of Christ. But they also were women that would seem incredibly unlikely to be called to such a high purpose. They were women with a past.... they were women touched by shame.... they were women that were restored, that were healed, that were transformed, that were used for the Kingdom of Christ. As you can imagine, these are women I want to get to know. They are women that have shared a few of the same footsteps as my own, they are women that were called according to His purpose for something beyond their hopes and dreams. They are women that give me courage to hold my head up when I walk in the midst of others, their stories give me strength to let go of my yesterday and keep my eyes fixed on what He has planned for my tomorrow. The great thing? They were women like you and I. They were wives and mothers that struggled with temptations and heart break, they were single women that felt discouragement and pain. I'm certain they had times of anxiety, they suffered from depression, they experienced the ups and downs that hormones bless us with, and when they looked in a mirror (did they have mirrors back then?:), I'm just sure there were many days that they were nothing less than disgusted with themselves. The fact is, they were everyday women that had more than one thing in common, but the most incredible? The Lord chose them. He saw something in them that they didn't see in themselves. Did you hear me? He saw something in them that they didn't see in themselves. Wow!! Did that gust of hope just about knock you over??? Yeah... me too.
Did the Lord show you His face during this Lent season? Maybe it was just for a moment when your breath was taken away or perhaps there was healing....restoration. Did He 'resurrect' you from a life of shame and pain? He did that for me. It doesn't mean that when I look into the mirror I am not reminded of what my yesterday held and the scars that remain. Believe me, I see them!! In the book, Jesus Creed, the author says "even Jesus was resurrected with His wounds". Powerful words for those of us that have some pretty deep wounds. Maybe the season simply represented a time that you surrendered a piece of yourself. Did He touch you? Are you different because of the last 40 days? I would love to hear from you either by comment or by email. And then let's see what the next 40 days might hold...
I finished up a women's bible study that I was involved in as well. It was based on 5 women that literally changed history. They were all in the lineage of Christ. But they also were women that would seem incredibly unlikely to be called to such a high purpose. They were women with a past.... they were women touched by shame.... they were women that were restored, that were healed, that were transformed, that were used for the Kingdom of Christ. As you can imagine, these are women I want to get to know. They are women that have shared a few of the same footsteps as my own, they are women that were called according to His purpose for something beyond their hopes and dreams. They are women that give me courage to hold my head up when I walk in the midst of others, their stories give me strength to let go of my yesterday and keep my eyes fixed on what He has planned for my tomorrow. The great thing? They were women like you and I. They were wives and mothers that struggled with temptations and heart break, they were single women that felt discouragement and pain. I'm certain they had times of anxiety, they suffered from depression, they experienced the ups and downs that hormones bless us with, and when they looked in a mirror (did they have mirrors back then?:), I'm just sure there were many days that they were nothing less than disgusted with themselves. The fact is, they were everyday women that had more than one thing in common, but the most incredible? The Lord chose them. He saw something in them that they didn't see in themselves. Did you hear me? He saw something in them that they didn't see in themselves. Wow!! Did that gust of hope just about knock you over??? Yeah... me too.
Did the Lord show you His face during this Lent season? Maybe it was just for a moment when your breath was taken away or perhaps there was healing....restoration. Did He 'resurrect' you from a life of shame and pain? He did that for me. It doesn't mean that when I look into the mirror I am not reminded of what my yesterday held and the scars that remain. Believe me, I see them!! In the book, Jesus Creed, the author says "even Jesus was resurrected with His wounds". Powerful words for those of us that have some pretty deep wounds. Maybe the season simply represented a time that you surrendered a piece of yourself. Did He touch you? Are you different because of the last 40 days? I would love to hear from you either by comment or by email. And then let's see what the next 40 days might hold...
40 days...
Our church is beginning a journey....a 40 day journey... from Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday. Many churches around the nation are doing something similar, but I'm excited about spending the next 40 days in commitment with other believers to seek Him unreservedly. Yeah, I know, sounds kinda 'churchy', doesn't it? That's ok...this isn't about church, this is about Him. Since this is one place where I feel that I can be completely open and vulnerable, here is what I wrote in my journal yesterday...
3/9/11
As lent season begins, I am joining my church on a 40 day journey. My personal journey involves seeking my Lord's face and seeking His favor where new levels of intimacy will be found. In 40 days, I don't want to be the same person I am today. I want to experience You in Your fullness. I want to see Your glory. I pray for a renewing of my mind and my spirit. I pray that others would see me through Your eyes and that they might extend to me the hand of grace and peace. It's not that I feel that I deserve it. I know that I lost the respect and love that I once cherished from some and as much as my heart aches every single day over that loss, I know that I'm not defined by that. I only ask that You, Father bring a spirit of peace between us. I pray that You will whisper to my kids in these 40 days, that they will come to know You in a different way. I pray that Mark would be refreshed and renewed, that You would speak words of authority and truth into his life.
I want to be so focused during these 40 days that nothing else gains my interest. I want to watch Your hand move. I want to see the grace of Christ win the battle that rages. I want your grace to once and for all cover the shame that looms over me. I want to see Jesus. Whatever it takes....
Last week our pastor spoke of how our God is able to do anything that we ask....but we have to ask. Can I encourage you to go on a journey with me over these next 40 days? Let's seek His face together, finding intimacy with Him in ways that leave us hungering for more. Let's sit at His feet together, look up into His eyes, and see what He has to say to us. During Lent season, you usually 'give up' something. Some fast, some give up chocolate or television or video games. The Lord has told me what to fast during this 40 days and I will do that, but it goes beyond that. It's giving up self . Ouch. That's the hardest thing to give up. Sometimes we think we've given Him our all....and then a tough situation comes up and self comes shining through, in all of its glory! Let's see what He has in store for us as we lay more and more of self at His feet. I don't know about you, but I'm excited about this journey. It's a journey of victory, right? I mean, how can it not be? We know what happens at the end of the 40 days. Easter. Victory.
3/9/11
As lent season begins, I am joining my church on a 40 day journey. My personal journey involves seeking my Lord's face and seeking His favor where new levels of intimacy will be found. In 40 days, I don't want to be the same person I am today. I want to experience You in Your fullness. I want to see Your glory. I pray for a renewing of my mind and my spirit. I pray that others would see me through Your eyes and that they might extend to me the hand of grace and peace. It's not that I feel that I deserve it. I know that I lost the respect and love that I once cherished from some and as much as my heart aches every single day over that loss, I know that I'm not defined by that. I only ask that You, Father bring a spirit of peace between us. I pray that You will whisper to my kids in these 40 days, that they will come to know You in a different way. I pray that Mark would be refreshed and renewed, that You would speak words of authority and truth into his life.
I want to be so focused during these 40 days that nothing else gains my interest. I want to watch Your hand move. I want to see the grace of Christ win the battle that rages. I want your grace to once and for all cover the shame that looms over me. I want to see Jesus. Whatever it takes....
Last week our pastor spoke of how our God is able to do anything that we ask....but we have to ask. Can I encourage you to go on a journey with me over these next 40 days? Let's seek His face together, finding intimacy with Him in ways that leave us hungering for more. Let's sit at His feet together, look up into His eyes, and see what He has to say to us. During Lent season, you usually 'give up' something. Some fast, some give up chocolate or television or video games. The Lord has told me what to fast during this 40 days and I will do that, but it goes beyond that. It's giving up self . Ouch. That's the hardest thing to give up. Sometimes we think we've given Him our all....and then a tough situation comes up and self comes shining through, in all of its glory! Let's see what He has in store for us as we lay more and more of self at His feet. I don't know about you, but I'm excited about this journey. It's a journey of victory, right? I mean, how can it not be? We know what happens at the end of the 40 days. Easter. Victory.
God is working.....A note from a reader
I received permission to pass this on to you....it shows how much bigger our God is than the hopelessness of depression! And it also shows how our body and our mind is so very affected by our hormones!
Dear Kim,
How kind of you to check on me. Praise the Lord- I am doing well! My doctor has tinkered with my progesterone dosages and that seems to be at a good dose finally. I also found out that I am gluten sensitive and changed my diet. One big effect of that problem is hormone imbalances. Who knew??? Many of the other symptoms have been relieved from my new diet as well. I have switched antidepressants due to side effects and am tolerating this one better.
My husband and I entered a marriage program (www.helpourmarriage.com). It lasted for 2 months and know that God blessed us with this program. It has transformed our marriage. We are communicating as we never have in 20 years of marriage!
I see His work in every part of my recovery...physically, emotionally, and spiritually. From the dark pit of despair, where I thought I could never return, Christ has reached down and taken me in His arms and pulled me up. It is as if I can hear Him say, "Remember, I said I would never leave you". I forgot for a while....a long while, but am believing that truth and rejoicing in it. I have poured over the scriptures and journaling to Him often, something I have never done before this summer. He is still healing me. I feel it every day. I never thought He could provide my every need. I really didn't, but He is.
I have grieved with you the loss of your friend, Galen. I am so sorry that you must endure the loss of him. I used to wonder how someone could get so low that they could do such a thing. Unfortunately, now I know. My stomach turned knowing that it could have very well been me instead. And I grieved understanding the darkness that took him there.
I am seeing the world differently. It is as if God has blessed me with a deeper maturity that I didn't even know was missing. I am thankful for that. You know how when you're in the middle of it, you know it's bad, and as you continue, you look back at what you have been through and you fall on your knees in thankfulness that He brought you out?....that it really was much worse than you realized? ...that your stomach turns when you think of those dark months and just want to turn your eyes away as if it didn't happen? Well, that is where I am, and it is sobering, as I know you know.
Well, although we've never met, you are a dear friend and I thank you for listening and for caring. I pray that your testimony reaches thousands and gives them hope that is so very needed. God bless you. You have been a blessing to me....you have helped me recover more than you know.
J.B.
Thank you, J.B., for your transparency. Thank you for allowing your pain to take you to a new level of intimacy with Him. I will continue to pray for you and your recovery. You are a blessing.
Dear Kim,
How kind of you to check on me. Praise the Lord- I am doing well! My doctor has tinkered with my progesterone dosages and that seems to be at a good dose finally. I also found out that I am gluten sensitive and changed my diet. One big effect of that problem is hormone imbalances. Who knew??? Many of the other symptoms have been relieved from my new diet as well. I have switched antidepressants due to side effects and am tolerating this one better.
My husband and I entered a marriage program (www.helpourmarriage.com). It lasted for 2 months and know that God blessed us with this program. It has transformed our marriage. We are communicating as we never have in 20 years of marriage!
I see His work in every part of my recovery...physically, emotionally, and spiritually. From the dark pit of despair, where I thought I could never return, Christ has reached down and taken me in His arms and pulled me up. It is as if I can hear Him say, "Remember, I said I would never leave you". I forgot for a while....a long while, but am believing that truth and rejoicing in it. I have poured over the scriptures and journaling to Him often, something I have never done before this summer. He is still healing me. I feel it every day. I never thought He could provide my every need. I really didn't, but He is.
I have grieved with you the loss of your friend, Galen. I am so sorry that you must endure the loss of him. I used to wonder how someone could get so low that they could do such a thing. Unfortunately, now I know. My stomach turned knowing that it could have very well been me instead. And I grieved understanding the darkness that took him there.
I am seeing the world differently. It is as if God has blessed me with a deeper maturity that I didn't even know was missing. I am thankful for that. You know how when you're in the middle of it, you know it's bad, and as you continue, you look back at what you have been through and you fall on your knees in thankfulness that He brought you out?....that it really was much worse than you realized? ...that your stomach turns when you think of those dark months and just want to turn your eyes away as if it didn't happen? Well, that is where I am, and it is sobering, as I know you know.
Well, although we've never met, you are a dear friend and I thank you for listening and for caring. I pray that your testimony reaches thousands and gives them hope that is so very needed. God bless you. You have been a blessing to me....you have helped me recover more than you know.
J.B.
Thank you, J.B., for your transparency. Thank you for allowing your pain to take you to a new level of intimacy with Him. I will continue to pray for you and your recovery. You are a blessing.
Prayer for 2011
Lord Jesus...
I give you my body, my soul, all that I am and all that I have. I give you my family, my friends, and I give you any worth that I hold of myself and that others hold of me.
Use me and all that is mine in whatever ways You choose. I am not my own, but I am completely Yours, therefore claim me as Your servant, as Your precious child. Hold me close, Father. Fight for me when I am assaulted, heal me when I am wounded, and revive me when I am destroyed. (revised from David Busic's sermon)
Father, do a new work in me in 2011. Use me in ways unimaginable. It would be an honor if you would bless others through me. I pray this year would be a year of new beginnings for my children....that their faces would be fixed upon Your gaze and that they would hunger and thirst for You as never before. I ask that our home would be a place of peace and that the very arms of God Himself would embrace the Bryan family and take us to heavenly places. Breathe new life into this place. Take us to new levels of intimacy with You and with each other. May we see Your glory in 2011.
The first paragraph of that prayer is one that Pastor David Busic, BFC, had the congregation say out loud together at the end of last Sunday's service. I changed it up a bit, took out the thees and thous, but that's about it. It was very powerful as we read it as a body of Christ.
The second paragraph is my heartfelt words to my Lord for this coming year. I know...kinda short, huh? Very unlike me. The first line really could have said it all...'do a new work in me in 2011'. It encompasses everything and everyone around me. I want my Lord to have His perfect will in my life. I've prayed that many, many times in my life...but, I don't know, it feels different when I say it today. No bars held. No boundaries. I just want Him, more of Him. That prayer no longer feels "dangerous" to me. It doesn't scare me. "My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are My ways your ways". My mind cannot even fathom what He can do in my life. I certainly don't want fear of the unknown to hinder Him. In a prayer that I prayed for the new year of 2009, I asked the Lord to "rock my world". Wow, indeed He rocked my world. In fact, it shattered all around me. But, I can say today without reserve that in spite of the residual pain and shame that lingers, I know that He is doing a new work in me that would not be accomplished if I had not experienced 2009. Oh, it's not a work that is flourishing me or lifting me up .... but rather, quite the opposite. It's a work that is so deep within my spirit that virtually no one sees the process taking place. It's kinda personal, what's happening between my Lord and I. It's really personal, but this blog is one place that I attempt to put it into words. I can't do it justice. How do you place grace on paper? What words can I use to describe the touch of Christ Himself? How can I possibly tell you what it feels like to look into the eyes of my Savior and get lost in the peace that they offer? Many of you have experienced it for yourself and so you know....you know why I hunger for more. You know why I can't quite get enough. And so I face 2011 with anticipation of what He will do in my life. How about you? Are you with me? The fact is, He digs us! He adores us! Let's seek Him together.
my buddy, Galen
If you have read my blog from the beginning, you may have looked at the comments that several have made. Some are from people I know, most are made anonymously. If you look at chapter 8's comments, there is a lengthy one from 'Galen'. Galen spoke of how he related to my words of hopelessness, of how he felt familiar feelings in 2006. He spoke of how he was so thankful he got the help he did because his life was full of joy. That life ended last night. Galen committed suicide.
Galen was a friend of many years. We met in Colorado in 1986 when Mark and I moved there as a young married couple. We went to church with Galen and his wife and instantly became good friends. Galen was not just a friend, he was like a brother to me. We talked, we laughed, we prayed. He was a dear friend to Mark as well. He was full of wisdom and loved his Lord more than anything in the world.
Galen and I had an unusual relationship for a man and a woman that wasn't married. It wasn't weird, it was just very close. There wasn't anything dangerous about it. He was very much like a brother to me and we were remarkably alike......very much so...you see, when we love, it's deeper than most. Investments made in others are never too costly. We hunger and thirst for MORE in our relationships, especially with that of our Lord. But, unfortunately, we also hurt more deeply than most. When we feel....it's to the core of our very being, whether it is joy, pain, discouragement, compassion, or even shame. I was once told that I have the 'gift of mercy' by a counselor. The title really meant nothing to me, but it rang very true when he began to tell me what it means. He said, "when those that you love deeply are hurting, you not only hurt with them, you feel their pain." And he also told me that while that's ok, it can be dangerous because it can create in us a need to fix others' issues. And at the same time, we can't expect others to feel our pain. That's an unfair expectation. I tell you this because Galen definitely had the gift of mercy. As Mark and I went through years of infertility, Galen was by our side....feeling our pain and loving us through it. During a healing service at church, Galen annointed me with oil and prayed that I would conceive a child. Tears rolled down his face as he prayed words with such compassion. A few weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant. Her name was Molly. I have a sweet suspicion that a precious little girl with curly hair met Galen as he entered his haven of rest last week. And I know that he knew exactly who she was the moment he laid eyes upon her. What a blessing for this mother to envision that reunion.
I guess I'm not completely surprised that Galen and I also have shared this tragic path of life called depression. Although our situations bringing us to a point of desperation were obviously very different, our sense of hope at that crucial time was not.
You know, throughout my blog I have spoken of my changed view on suicide and those that either contemplate it or succeed at it. I know personally what the mind is capable of and the thoughts that randomly take over. I distinctly remember the moment that I knew it was going to happen. I vividly recall the instant that I said, "I have no other option". And from that point on, it was methodical. As I hear of Galen's last hours on this earth, I know that it became very methodical for him as well.
My heart breaks that he carried out his plan. That his pain reached a point that his mind couldn't see any other option. His family is hurting desperately, but I pray that they realize that he would never hurt them at any cost. From the moment he made up his mind, it wasn't about them....it wasn't about his new grandbaby....it wasn't even about his Lord. I pray that those that love him can forgive him. He was a gentle man. He was as tender and compassionate of a man that I've ever known. His mind shut down. No different than if his heart had given out, right? Then why does it feel so different to those left behind? Because it feels like a choice....a choice to leave them with the pain. It feels nothing short of selfish. But please understand that at that moment, there is nothing of 'self' left in the decision. To be honest with you, the mind is quite blank. It is void of emotion, it is void of any sense of judgement.
I don't know exactly what took place in my friend's mind in the last hours of his life, but I do know his heart. He had the heart of Christ.
I will miss you Galen. You have touched my life in so many ways. I will see you again, friend. That I know for certain. I pray that an unexplainable peace will find its way into the days ahead for Galen's sweet family, his precious wife, Jan, and his remarkable children. I pray that they will remember him for his life and not his death, for his joy and not his pain. He was a gentle, tender man of God that adored his family and friends. I pray they never lose sight of that.
Galen was a friend of many years. We met in Colorado in 1986 when Mark and I moved there as a young married couple. We went to church with Galen and his wife and instantly became good friends. Galen was not just a friend, he was like a brother to me. We talked, we laughed, we prayed. He was a dear friend to Mark as well. He was full of wisdom and loved his Lord more than anything in the world.
Galen and I had an unusual relationship for a man and a woman that wasn't married. It wasn't weird, it was just very close. There wasn't anything dangerous about it. He was very much like a brother to me and we were remarkably alike......very much so...you see, when we love, it's deeper than most. Investments made in others are never too costly. We hunger and thirst for MORE in our relationships, especially with that of our Lord. But, unfortunately, we also hurt more deeply than most. When we feel....it's to the core of our very being, whether it is joy, pain, discouragement, compassion, or even shame. I was once told that I have the 'gift of mercy' by a counselor. The title really meant nothing to me, but it rang very true when he began to tell me what it means. He said, "when those that you love deeply are hurting, you not only hurt with them, you feel their pain." And he also told me that while that's ok, it can be dangerous because it can create in us a need to fix others' issues. And at the same time, we can't expect others to feel our pain. That's an unfair expectation. I tell you this because Galen definitely had the gift of mercy. As Mark and I went through years of infertility, Galen was by our side....feeling our pain and loving us through it. During a healing service at church, Galen annointed me with oil and prayed that I would conceive a child. Tears rolled down his face as he prayed words with such compassion. A few weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant. Her name was Molly. I have a sweet suspicion that a precious little girl with curly hair met Galen as he entered his haven of rest last week. And I know that he knew exactly who she was the moment he laid eyes upon her. What a blessing for this mother to envision that reunion.
I guess I'm not completely surprised that Galen and I also have shared this tragic path of life called depression. Although our situations bringing us to a point of desperation were obviously very different, our sense of hope at that crucial time was not.
You know, throughout my blog I have spoken of my changed view on suicide and those that either contemplate it or succeed at it. I know personally what the mind is capable of and the thoughts that randomly take over. I distinctly remember the moment that I knew it was going to happen. I vividly recall the instant that I said, "I have no other option". And from that point on, it was methodical. As I hear of Galen's last hours on this earth, I know that it became very methodical for him as well.
My heart breaks that he carried out his plan. That his pain reached a point that his mind couldn't see any other option. His family is hurting desperately, but I pray that they realize that he would never hurt them at any cost. From the moment he made up his mind, it wasn't about them....it wasn't about his new grandbaby....it wasn't even about his Lord. I pray that those that love him can forgive him. He was a gentle man. He was as tender and compassionate of a man that I've ever known. His mind shut down. No different than if his heart had given out, right? Then why does it feel so different to those left behind? Because it feels like a choice....a choice to leave them with the pain. It feels nothing short of selfish. But please understand that at that moment, there is nothing of 'self' left in the decision. To be honest with you, the mind is quite blank. It is void of emotion, it is void of any sense of judgement.
I don't know exactly what took place in my friend's mind in the last hours of his life, but I do know his heart. He had the heart of Christ.
I will miss you Galen. You have touched my life in so many ways. I will see you again, friend. That I know for certain. I pray that an unexplainable peace will find its way into the days ahead for Galen's sweet family, his precious wife, Jan, and his remarkable children. I pray that they will remember him for his life and not his death, for his joy and not his pain. He was a gentle, tender man of God that adored his family and friends. I pray they never lose sight of that.
A precious little one
My days in the nuthouse were without a doubt some of the loneliest days of my entire life. A lonely place for any adult....but a child? A dear friend called me last night and asked me to pray for her best friend's little girl. An 11 year-old precious girl, the daughter of a christian woman that's living out a nightmare that loving mothers don't deserve to have. Most eleven year-olds are wondering when they'll 'get their period'. They are spending Friday nights with their best girlfriends, watching movies, eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate. They make prank phone calls to all the boys in their class. They stay up all night telling scary stories and playing 'truth or dare'. That's what eleven year-olds do, right? This precious one is walking the halls of a psych unit, wondering why her mommy had to leave her alone. She watches the others closely. Why do some of the kids sleep so much? Why doesn't anyone look happy? She wonders what she did wrong to end up here. She tried to be good. She just wants to feel 'normal'. She longs to have a still mind. An eleven year-old girl should be thinking about which cute pair of boots to wear with her leggings, not if that pill they give her will make her head feel funny again or if she'll get to go home tomorrow....or will it be the next....or will she ever get to go home again? So many unknowns. Too many unknowns for a child.
But there is one certainty in this heartbreaking situation. Our Lord Jesus Christ adores this little girl. She's not alone in this place. She may roam the halls, but she's not walking the halls alone. When she lays her head down on the cheap squishy pillow, He's there....He's right there wiping her tears and whispering so softly in her ear....I'm here, baby. I'm right here. I'm not leaving you. I know this place is scary, but you are not alone. Don't cry. I'm here. And in that instant, her mind is at peace. And she sleeps.
Please help me pray for my little friend. Pray that they will quickly discover the reason for the struggle in her mind. Pray for her family as they have to let go of their precious girl. They spend one hour a day looking into her eyes as she tries to make sense of the nonsense. They have to trust like they've never had to trust before....not ever. I mean, this is their precious child. They would trade places with her in a second, if only they could. But they can't. So they hold on desperately to what they believe in. And they wait.
But there is one certainty in this heartbreaking situation. Our Lord Jesus Christ adores this little girl. She's not alone in this place. She may roam the halls, but she's not walking the halls alone. When she lays her head down on the cheap squishy pillow, He's there....He's right there wiping her tears and whispering so softly in her ear....I'm here, baby. I'm right here. I'm not leaving you. I know this place is scary, but you are not alone. Don't cry. I'm here. And in that instant, her mind is at peace. And she sleeps.
Please help me pray for my little friend. Pray that they will quickly discover the reason for the struggle in her mind. Pray for her family as they have to let go of their precious girl. They spend one hour a day looking into her eyes as she tries to make sense of the nonsense. They have to trust like they've never had to trust before....not ever. I mean, this is their precious child. They would trade places with her in a second, if only they could. But they can't. So they hold on desperately to what they believe in. And they wait.
Enough already.... or is it?
The past few days have been extra trying for me. I can't put my finger on the reason behind it, but I have lived and relived the past year and the struggles that my spirit has faced.....and to be quite honest, I'm frustrated that there is shame and regret that still haunts me. No one around me knows that I feel it. I'm certain that it doesn't show on my face. And I don't allow it to consume me or define who I am. But, it's there. It's always there. It's a consequence. I get that, I really do. But, I want to accept the consequences and move on. Don't read any self-pity into this, because it's not there I assure you. I want to continue to grow through this....even the 'set backs' that I feel on occasion. I share them with you in hopes that if you relate to this journey that you will be encouraged that you don't walk alone. But.........let's not belabor our time on this path either, ok? Let's get the heck outta here....and move on. :)
I have been reflecting on just how different my relationships with others are now. I reflect on just how different I am. I'm a little confused by it. Some of the things I had such a passion for seem to now skim the surface. At times I feel a little guilty about the 'passionlessness' I feel. Don't get me wrong. I am very passionate about my God......my family.......and even about my teaching. But things like being involved in church groups and even in people's lives just leave me a little numb. The once social butterfly seldom gets in touch with others. I don't share my innermost thoughts with anyone except Mark and I would rather spend every spare moment with Mark and the kids than over a cup of java with a buddy. Don't get me wrong...I'm glad for that change in me. I needed to spend more time with my family. The once 'hostess with the mostess' hasn't had dinner guests in over a year. Not sure how to sum that up. Sometimes I worry about that new side of me. I don't want to become a recluse. I want to have the freedom and the motivation to pour myself into others.
Perhaps you are struggling today with the new and not so improved you. I would encourage you to allow yourself the freedom and grace to struggle, just don't get stuck there. My God is not done with us yet, my friend. That's exciting to me. My God has given me a joyful heart. I want Him to use that heart to touch others...to love others....and to truly make a difference for the Kingdom of Heaven. Ya with me?
I have been reflecting on just how different my relationships with others are now. I reflect on just how different I am. I'm a little confused by it. Some of the things I had such a passion for seem to now skim the surface. At times I feel a little guilty about the 'passionlessness' I feel. Don't get me wrong. I am very passionate about my God......my family.......and even about my teaching. But things like being involved in church groups and even in people's lives just leave me a little numb. The once social butterfly seldom gets in touch with others. I don't share my innermost thoughts with anyone except Mark and I would rather spend every spare moment with Mark and the kids than over a cup of java with a buddy. Don't get me wrong...I'm glad for that change in me. I needed to spend more time with my family. The once 'hostess with the mostess' hasn't had dinner guests in over a year. Not sure how to sum that up. Sometimes I worry about that new side of me. I don't want to become a recluse. I want to have the freedom and the motivation to pour myself into others.
Perhaps you are struggling today with the new and not so improved you. I would encourage you to allow yourself the freedom and grace to struggle, just don't get stuck there. My God is not done with us yet, my friend. That's exciting to me. My God has given me a joyful heart. I want Him to use that heart to touch others...to love others....and to truly make a difference for the Kingdom of Heaven. Ya with me?
Dear T....
My precious friend,
The past few days have been somewhat confusing to you I know. You have sat in a hospital bed while they ran test after test on you. Your family and friends sat at your side every hour on the hour, talking to you, watching you sleep, wondering what was happening in your precious mind. Others were outside your room, some crying, others laughing as they spoke of you and those crazy things you always do that make us smile. Today as you rested in that hospital bed they spoke of what tomorrow would hold, of where they would take you. You are in that place right now as I write. You are in a psych ward. Yep, T, the 'nuthouse' as I've called it throughout my blog.
I wonder if you're alone. I wonder if you're crying, if you're scared. Perhaps your mind is so very absent... that it is void of fear.... that it doesn't hold on to the realization of what's taking place. That would actually be a blessing in the unfamiliar surroundings that are yours for the moment. Oh my friend, I want you to know that you will get through this. I want you to see the hope in my eyes. You don't have to be the strong one right now, T....let us place you on our back and carry you through this nightmare that you are experiencing. I promise that it will end. You will get through it and you will be a changed woman from it. But for now....for the moment, I pray that the same Savior that held my hand as I sat in a room with nothing but my thoughts....I pray that our Lord will hold you tightly tonight as you attempt to sleep in an unfamiliar room with unfamiliar noises. And I pray that my precious Father will cradle you in the morning as you awaken to find that you are not dreaming, you are in a place that you would never in a million years dream you'd be. I pray that He will quieten your restless spirit, that He will calm your anxious thoughts as you try to make sense of what's taken place the past several days. I pray at this moment and I will not cease praying for you, sweet friend. You will get through this....but for now, allow them to help you get better. Know that your precious family will be ok. They adore you. You are loved my friend. Know that you are not alone and that many are waiting for you at the finish line. If it's ok though, I'd rather run beside you.
We have shared so much over the 35 years that we've loved each other, but I gotta tell ya, T, this is one common ground I wish we didn't share. But that's ok, because we also share a Savior that adores us. I lay you in His arms for this moment....and then for the next.
You are His. As your friend, that's all I need to know.
I love you, T.
The past few days have been somewhat confusing to you I know. You have sat in a hospital bed while they ran test after test on you. Your family and friends sat at your side every hour on the hour, talking to you, watching you sleep, wondering what was happening in your precious mind. Others were outside your room, some crying, others laughing as they spoke of you and those crazy things you always do that make us smile. Today as you rested in that hospital bed they spoke of what tomorrow would hold, of where they would take you. You are in that place right now as I write. You are in a psych ward. Yep, T, the 'nuthouse' as I've called it throughout my blog.
I wonder if you're alone. I wonder if you're crying, if you're scared. Perhaps your mind is so very absent... that it is void of fear.... that it doesn't hold on to the realization of what's taking place. That would actually be a blessing in the unfamiliar surroundings that are yours for the moment. Oh my friend, I want you to know that you will get through this. I want you to see the hope in my eyes. You don't have to be the strong one right now, T....let us place you on our back and carry you through this nightmare that you are experiencing. I promise that it will end. You will get through it and you will be a changed woman from it. But for now....for the moment, I pray that the same Savior that held my hand as I sat in a room with nothing but my thoughts....I pray that our Lord will hold you tightly tonight as you attempt to sleep in an unfamiliar room with unfamiliar noises. And I pray that my precious Father will cradle you in the morning as you awaken to find that you are not dreaming, you are in a place that you would never in a million years dream you'd be. I pray that He will quieten your restless spirit, that He will calm your anxious thoughts as you try to make sense of what's taken place the past several days. I pray at this moment and I will not cease praying for you, sweet friend. You will get through this....but for now, allow them to help you get better. Know that your precious family will be ok. They adore you. You are loved my friend. Know that you are not alone and that many are waiting for you at the finish line. If it's ok though, I'd rather run beside you.
We have shared so much over the 35 years that we've loved each other, but I gotta tell ya, T, this is one common ground I wish we didn't share. But that's ok, because we also share a Savior that adores us. I lay you in His arms for this moment....and then for the next.
You are His. As your friend, that's all I need to know.
I love you, T.
My heart is breaking...
A sweet dear friend called me the night before last and said, "Kim, I understand what you went through last year." As we continued to talk, I knew something wasn't quite right. Wait a minute....this is TS, she's as solid as they come. She's everyone's rock. I've known her since high school. We've shared more laughter than what should be allowed in life. She walked with me through my healing this past year.....she didn't just walk with me, she held my hand, she placed her arm around my shoulders, and she looked me in the eyes and said, 'you can do this, Kim'. We've spent many hours together the past several months celebrating our 50th....over and over again! We ventured to Mexico together. We have talked for hours on end, just like we did when we were crazy high school girls. She's my buddy. Two days later, it appears that my buddy has lost her mind. Sweet Jesus....I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, much less my sweet T. She knows that she's not right. But her conversation goes from here to there...from high to low....from this point to that one. And she knows. She knows she's not right.
I watch her husband as he cries. I remember the puffy, red eyes that Mark wore for days as he watched his wife slip away. He has to wonder what the days ahead hold. Will he get his wife back?
I'm full of frustration. Last night at the hospital, I listened to doctors discount 'hormonal issues' that women suffer with. And although her estrogen levels came back extremely low, they refuse to simply place a patch on her. They refuse to believe that indeed hormones may play that much havoc on a woman's brain. The arrogance of that decision is nothing short of pitiful. How dare they? I try to imagine what my last year would have held if they did not respond to the hormonal imbalance that was happening to my confused brain. Would I be dead? Would I be frantically trying psychotic med after psychotic med in an attempt to find some relief? Would I be shuffled from nuthouse to nuthouse due to concerns of my family?
My friend's situation may or may not be hormonal. I'm not certain that it is. But, I'm not willing to sit by and watch her suffer without ever knowing if a simple patch of estrogen would have made the difference. I will fight for her. I don't know what that looks like right now because I want to respect her husband and her sweet family. So I wait and I pray. I seek guidance from my Savior. The same Savior that bent down from heaven and scooped me up in His arms one year ago. That Savior adores my sweet T. He will take care of her. So I listen...closely.
I watch her husband as he cries. I remember the puffy, red eyes that Mark wore for days as he watched his wife slip away. He has to wonder what the days ahead hold. Will he get his wife back?
I'm full of frustration. Last night at the hospital, I listened to doctors discount 'hormonal issues' that women suffer with. And although her estrogen levels came back extremely low, they refuse to simply place a patch on her. They refuse to believe that indeed hormones may play that much havoc on a woman's brain. The arrogance of that decision is nothing short of pitiful. How dare they? I try to imagine what my last year would have held if they did not respond to the hormonal imbalance that was happening to my confused brain. Would I be dead? Would I be frantically trying psychotic med after psychotic med in an attempt to find some relief? Would I be shuffled from nuthouse to nuthouse due to concerns of my family?
My friend's situation may or may not be hormonal. I'm not certain that it is. But, I'm not willing to sit by and watch her suffer without ever knowing if a simple patch of estrogen would have made the difference. I will fight for her. I don't know what that looks like right now because I want to respect her husband and her sweet family. So I wait and I pray. I seek guidance from my Savior. The same Savior that bent down from heaven and scooped me up in His arms one year ago. That Savior adores my sweet T. He will take care of her. So I listen...closely.
An anniversary to........celebrate?
I have dreaded this day to come. But why? One year ago today, I was given not only another chance at LIFE, but I was placed on a new path of that life. A path that has taken me on a journey, one that my Lord designed just for me. Really though? The road has left my flesh torn and opened. I have found myself gasping for air, at times wondering where the next breath will come from. And weak? Never have I been weaker, long ago reaching the end of my own strength. A year ago as I started on this path, I looked at what was before me and all I could see were hills, big hills. And with hills, there are always valleys surrounding them. Looks pretty rocky, pretty rough. Not sure I can do this....no, quite certain I can't do this. Exactly.
One year later. Do I feel victorious? Nope. But am I victorious? You betcha. You see, this has not been a victory of honor. No medals, no parties, no speeches. I'm pretty sure you're not going to find my name written in any history books. Not hardly. In fact, the battle still rages. It's not even over yet! Interestingly enough though, I find myself comfortable in this bulky armor. Believe me, it's not flattering....it's awkward....and at times, it clangs around and makes others uncomfortable. But for now, I choose to leave it on. I choose to fight....for myself, for my family, for others that are hurting. Come to find out, there's a lot that are hurting.
Been a tough week. Had a family member placed in a detox program for drug addiction, learned of painful truths about one of my children, and grieved the loss of a student that was killed in a car accident. All devastating. But....on this anniversary, I tell you that He's got this.....He's got that....there's not one pain, there's not one battle, there's not one desperate moment that He doesn't have. It's sitting in the palm of His hand. He's not letting it go. He's got it.
One year ago today, I looked at tomorrow and couldn't face it. Today, I live for what this very day holds only... I don't even know if I have tomorrow. Today is rich. I choose to live today. And I choose to celebrate.
One year later. Do I feel victorious? Nope. But am I victorious? You betcha. You see, this has not been a victory of honor. No medals, no parties, no speeches. I'm pretty sure you're not going to find my name written in any history books. Not hardly. In fact, the battle still rages. It's not even over yet! Interestingly enough though, I find myself comfortable in this bulky armor. Believe me, it's not flattering....it's awkward....and at times, it clangs around and makes others uncomfortable. But for now, I choose to leave it on. I choose to fight....for myself, for my family, for others that are hurting. Come to find out, there's a lot that are hurting.
Been a tough week. Had a family member placed in a detox program for drug addiction, learned of painful truths about one of my children, and grieved the loss of a student that was killed in a car accident. All devastating. But....on this anniversary, I tell you that He's got this.....He's got that....there's not one pain, there's not one battle, there's not one desperate moment that He doesn't have. It's sitting in the palm of His hand. He's not letting it go. He's got it.
One year ago today, I looked at tomorrow and couldn't face it. Today, I live for what this very day holds only... I don't even know if I have tomorrow. Today is rich. I choose to live today. And I choose to celebrate.
A Woman With A Past: My Hero
Sunday, our pastor spoke of Rahab.......a woman with a past.....with a label. OK, to say that I related would be an understatement. She was a prostitute of the lowest kind. So don't get me wrong, that's not the part I relate to :) But no matter how much I heal, I know that when some look at me, they see a crazy woman, or maybe the word insecure comes to their mind, or perhaps weak and needy ... a woman that cannot be trusted. As much as that hurts, I kinda get it. I mean, for cryin' out loud, I went crazy. I lost my mind. I set out to harm myself in a big way. I think of Rahab and I'm certain she so wanted the label 'harlot' to go away after she gave up the lifestyle. The pain her heart must have felt when men were pulled away from her presence by their wives because she couldn't be trusted. Word had gotten out that this harlot had changed her ways.....so why? Why did others feel the need to protect their loved ones from her? She was different. She was transformed. God had chosen to save her very life.....why can't she live that life without having to be constantly reminded of her past? Of her failures? Of her shortcomings? Why couldn't everyone rejoice in her victory? Did it anger her? Did it make her want to yell out, "but I'm different now!" "I'm forgiven!" "I'm healed!". Ya know how I think she probably responded? I see her force an embarrassed grin and although it hurts deeply, she can't help but understand their response to her. They saw her first hand, they heard about the acts that she performed with numerous men. They were disgusted. Even though it hurt, in the depth of her spirit, she understood. I can see tears filling her eyes and she turns so that others won't see her pain. Truth is, I don't know how she responded, but all I know is that IN SPITE of her label that followed her, the Lord still chose to use her. God believed in her, in a big way. He didn't let her tainted reputation keep Him from choosing her to be Jesus' great great (many times) grandmother. It wasn't by accident. He chose her! It all started at Jericho where He hand picked her to, well, just help bring the entire city down. That was just the beginning of an unbelievable story of the life of a woman that went from one of little dignity and respect to one that any woman of Christ would cherish to call their own. Many years after her death, she was known in the new testament as one of the greatest women of faith! But she was also still know as a prostitute. That speaks to me.
I don't want my insecurities of the past to define who I am. I don't want my unusual, crazy behavior to place a label on my forehead ("Nut"....well, that's been there as long as I can remember). But the fact is, that was a very real part of my life. There are many days when all I can see are the labels that scream who I once was and quite frankly, who I still am in some eyes. I think about Rahab and imagine her wishing her past away. I envision her kissing her new husband, Salmon and replaying the vivid memories of moments spent with lustful men, using her in ways beyond my imagination. "If only"....I'm certain went through her mind more than once. But the Lord knew her path would take a different turn. He knew her heart. He knew she was a woman that was very 'pliable' in her weakened state. He was willing to take a chance on a woman that wasn't looked up to. In fact, He saw the look of disrespect they gave her. He heard the whispers of others, speaking of her failures. Yet, He chose her. He trusted her with the outcome. Because she was deserving? Uh...no. But, she was willing.
I'm not gonna lie. Most days I cherish the thought of losing the labels that I've 'earned'. But ya know what? My Lord doesn't recognize those labels, cause He's given me His own labels.....'My Child"...."Redeemed".... "Forgiven" are just a few. The other labels pale in comparison, don't you think? And my past? Yep, I've got one. But even better....I've got a future. Yes indeedy, I've got a future.
A Day of Celebration!
Today I celebrate my 50th birthday! Wow....1/2 a century. I am flooded with a mixture of emotions. I think about the day one year ago and I remember being consumed with anxiety. I was so troubled. I don't want to dwell on it, however, because although I was a completely different person one year ago, I know that His hand was on me, just the same. My journal entry from 9/1/09 says:
Do within me whatever You need to Father to make me a holy vessel before You. Be God. Be my salvation. Be my rock. My only hope is in You and in You I place my trust. I feel Your sweet rest. I am in the midst of constant anxiety, yet in You do I trust. My chest is heavy, my mind unfocused, my emotions unsteady- but You are my rock, You alone can save me- You give me peace in the midst of my storm! Thank you, Father. Hold me close.
My prayer remains the same, Father. Do whatever You need to do in me to make me a holy vessel. I want to be used by You. Whatever that looks like.
It's hard to explain just what I feel these days. On occasion, I continue to struggle with shame. To tell you the truth, I'm so tired of playing and replaying the past two years. But at the same time, it keeps me humble. Mmmm....so humble. I have to smile as I look in the mirror and see the woman that was once so 'strong'...a woman that was so full of energy, full of life....full of herself. I didn't realize it. The last thing I wanted to be was prideful. I wanted to be a woman of Christ that He could use to encourage others, to pray for others, to be His hands and feet. But interestingly enough, the more I prayed for Christ to rid Kim Bryan of Kim Bryan, the more He did just that. There was a lot to get rid of, come to find out. And something tells me He's not done yet :) As the months went by, I became weaker and weaker. I'm certain I looked pathetic to onlookers. I became scared and insecure. I became a woman that was no longer a joy to be around. Well, you know the rest of the story if you've read. My point? My point is that I am weak. I no longer cringe when I say that. I am weak. There is no pride in my walk with my Savior. When I look in the mirror, I do smile, but I smile because I see a 50 year old woman that reflects something different in her eyes. It's not pride. It's not confidence. It's not strength. It's certainly not wisdom. It's joy. Not in her circumstances, not in her accomplishments, not in the relationships she possesses....it's joy in knowing my Lord in a different way. I've never known intimacy like this. And it leaves me wanting more. I mean, literally, I can't get enough! Morning after morning, I sit at His feet and I don't want to leave. He truly is my everything. So I celebrate today. For different reasons that I've celebrated this day in the past. And I look in the mirror.....and I smile.
Immersed in the Word
There are many scriptures that I have clung to over the past two years. I love to put dates next to scripture with notations. I will share the scripture as well as the notations/dates. I hope they speak to you like they have me. There were many times that they literally breathed life into me.
Psalm 25:16
"Turn Yourself to me and have mercy on me, for I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have enlarged. Bring me out of my distresses!" 6/1/09
Isaiah 60:1,2
"Arise, shine; for your light has come! And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and deep darkness the people; but the Lord will arise over you and His glory will be seen upon you." 10/08 Show your glory through my life!
3/09 Come upon our family...may our lives never be the
same!
Isaiah 60: 19,20
"The sun shall no longer be your light by day, nor for brightness shall the moon give light to you, but the Lord will be to you an everlasting light, and your God your glory. Your sun shall no longer go down, nor shall your moon withdraw itself; for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and the days of your mourning shall be ended." 6/10 No more shame!
Isaiah 66:12
"Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river." 2/28/10 I long for peace.
Malachi 3:10,11
"And try Me now in this, says the Lord, if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it." 6/10 Healing
vs. 11 "And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, so that he will not destroy the fruit of your ground, nor shall the vine fail to bear fruit for you in the field." 4/09, 4/10
Philippians 4:5
"Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand." 5/10 I want to bring You honor
Job 22: 21,22
"Now acquaint yourself with Him and be at peace; thereby good will come to you. Receive instruction from His mouth, and lay up His words in your heart." 11/10 I long to hear from you
Father
Psalm 27:13,14
"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord. 12/09 Good days are ahead
Psalm 31:9,10
"Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in trouble; my eye wastes away with grief, Yes, my soul and my body. My strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away." vs.14 "But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say 'You are my God! My times are in your hand'."
10/08 I don't know what the future holds, but....my times are in your hand!
Psalm 119:133
"Direct my steps by Your word, and let no iniquity have dominion over me." 6/10
Psalm 138:8
"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me, Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands." 4/23/10 Complete Your will in me, whatever it looks like.
Psalm 145:17-19
"The Lord is righteous in all His ways, gracious in all His works. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth, He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him, He will also hear their cry and save them." 3/4/09 I need You.
2 Samuel 22:2-7
"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; the God of my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge; my Savior, You save me from violence, I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies; when the waves of death surround me, the snares of death confronted me, in my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, and my cry entered His ears." 3/22/09 I don't know what's happening, but I trust You.
Joshua 3:5
"Sanctify yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you." 1/26/10
Romans 9:17
"For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My name may be declared in all the earth." 2/19/10 given to me by Deb Rains
Jeremiah 29:11,12
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me."
Habakkuk 1:5
"Be utterly astounded! For I will work a work in your days which you would not believe, though it were told to you." 5/25/10 Hope for the Hormonal Blog
Isaiah 32:16-19
"Then justice will dwell in the wilderness and righteousness remain in the fruitful field. The work of righteousness will be peace, the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever. My people will dwell in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places, though hail comes down on the forest, and the city is brought low in humiliation." 5/10/09
Isaiah 41:9,10
"You are my servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away. Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 3/18/09 chosen for what??? Please be with me, Father.
Isaiah 40:28-31
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary, His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 43:2,3
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned. Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." 3/15/09 He is preparing me for the future. 5/18/10
Isaiah 43:18,19
"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." 3/09 4/09 the future holds new things
Psalm 25:20,21
"Keep my soul and deliver me; Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You. Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for You." 3/18/09 I do put my trust in You. I will wait for You.
Psalm 27:7-10
"Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice! Have mercy upon me, and answer me. When you said, seek my face, my heart said to You, 'Your face, Lord, will I seek'. Do not turn Your servant away in anger, You have been my help; do not leave me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me."
From My Utmost for His Highest:
"Has God trusted you with His silence...a silence that has great meaning? Can God trust you with it or are you still asking Him for a visible answer? God will give you the very blessing you ask if you refuse to go any further without the, but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderul understanding of Himself. Allow Him to give you the first sign of His intimacy....silence."
"Are you alone at your 'Jordan River'? The Jordan River represents the type of separation where you have no fellowship with anyone else. You have been to the Jordan over and over with your Elijah, but now you are facing it alone. There is no use in saying that you cannot go, the experience is here, and you must go. If you truly want to know wheher or not God is the God your faith believes Him to be, then go through your 'Jordan' alone."
"At your 'Bethel', you will find yourself at your wits' end but at the beginning of God's wisdom. When you come to your wits' end and you feel inclined to panic-don't! Stand true to God and He will bring out His truth in a way that will make your life an expression of worship."
"Are you prepared to let God take you into total oneness with Himself, paying no more attention to what you call the great things of life? Once you totally surrender, you will no longer think about what God is going to do. Abandonment to Him means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking questions. If you totally surrender yourself to God, He says, "I will give your life to you as a prize". 5/10 Father, I want to live in such surrender to You that everyday becomes a "prize"...that I may live in Your delight, that my joy be restored-not because others' faith in me is restored, but because of who I am in You and You alone!
From "Finding Favor with the King"
"Will you dangle your toes over the edge of God's promises and leap out into the unknown, casting your fate upon the faithfulness of God?"
"Just remember that the more important your future, the greater your opponent! Do you suddenly feel as if you are facing giant enemies? Hold on! Your destiny is about to be revealed. If it had not been for an enemy called 'Goliath', David would always have been just a shepherd."
"When destiny pushes you to the edge of desperation and the limits of your abilities, cast your future into the hands of God and take a leap of faith!"
Psalm 25:16
"Turn Yourself to me and have mercy on me, for I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have enlarged. Bring me out of my distresses!" 6/1/09
Isaiah 60:1,2
"Arise, shine; for your light has come! And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and deep darkness the people; but the Lord will arise over you and His glory will be seen upon you." 10/08 Show your glory through my life!
3/09 Come upon our family...may our lives never be the
same!
Isaiah 60: 19,20
"The sun shall no longer be your light by day, nor for brightness shall the moon give light to you, but the Lord will be to you an everlasting light, and your God your glory. Your sun shall no longer go down, nor shall your moon withdraw itself; for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and the days of your mourning shall be ended." 6/10 No more shame!
Isaiah 66:12
"Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river." 2/28/10 I long for peace.
Malachi 3:10,11
"And try Me now in this, says the Lord, if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it." 6/10 Healing
vs. 11 "And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, so that he will not destroy the fruit of your ground, nor shall the vine fail to bear fruit for you in the field." 4/09, 4/10
Philippians 4:5
"Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand." 5/10 I want to bring You honor
Job 22: 21,22
"Now acquaint yourself with Him and be at peace; thereby good will come to you. Receive instruction from His mouth, and lay up His words in your heart." 11/10 I long to hear from you
Father
Psalm 27:13,14
"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord. 12/09 Good days are ahead
Psalm 31:9,10
"Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in trouble; my eye wastes away with grief, Yes, my soul and my body. My strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away." vs.14 "But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say 'You are my God! My times are in your hand'."
10/08 I don't know what the future holds, but....my times are in your hand!
Psalm 119:133
"Direct my steps by Your word, and let no iniquity have dominion over me." 6/10
Psalm 138:8
"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me, Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands." 4/23/10 Complete Your will in me, whatever it looks like.
Psalm 145:17-19
"The Lord is righteous in all His ways, gracious in all His works. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth, He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him, He will also hear their cry and save them." 3/4/09 I need You.
2 Samuel 22:2-7
"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; the God of my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge; my Savior, You save me from violence, I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies; when the waves of death surround me, the snares of death confronted me, in my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, and my cry entered His ears." 3/22/09 I don't know what's happening, but I trust You.
Joshua 3:5
"Sanctify yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you." 1/26/10
Romans 9:17
"For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My name may be declared in all the earth." 2/19/10 given to me by Deb Rains
Jeremiah 29:11,12
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me."
Habakkuk 1:5
"Be utterly astounded! For I will work a work in your days which you would not believe, though it were told to you." 5/25/10 Hope for the Hormonal Blog
Isaiah 32:16-19
"Then justice will dwell in the wilderness and righteousness remain in the fruitful field. The work of righteousness will be peace, the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever. My people will dwell in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places, though hail comes down on the forest, and the city is brought low in humiliation." 5/10/09
Isaiah 41:9,10
"You are my servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away. Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 3/18/09 chosen for what??? Please be with me, Father.
Isaiah 40:28-31
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary, His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 43:2,3
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned. Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." 3/15/09 He is preparing me for the future. 5/18/10
Isaiah 43:18,19
"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." 3/09 4/09 the future holds new things
Psalm 25:20,21
"Keep my soul and deliver me; Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You. Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for You." 3/18/09 I do put my trust in You. I will wait for You.
Psalm 27:7-10
"Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice! Have mercy upon me, and answer me. When you said, seek my face, my heart said to You, 'Your face, Lord, will I seek'. Do not turn Your servant away in anger, You have been my help; do not leave me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me."
From My Utmost for His Highest:
"Has God trusted you with His silence...a silence that has great meaning? Can God trust you with it or are you still asking Him for a visible answer? God will give you the very blessing you ask if you refuse to go any further without the, but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderul understanding of Himself. Allow Him to give you the first sign of His intimacy....silence."
"Are you alone at your 'Jordan River'? The Jordan River represents the type of separation where you have no fellowship with anyone else. You have been to the Jordan over and over with your Elijah, but now you are facing it alone. There is no use in saying that you cannot go, the experience is here, and you must go. If you truly want to know wheher or not God is the God your faith believes Him to be, then go through your 'Jordan' alone."
"At your 'Bethel', you will find yourself at your wits' end but at the beginning of God's wisdom. When you come to your wits' end and you feel inclined to panic-don't! Stand true to God and He will bring out His truth in a way that will make your life an expression of worship."
"Are you prepared to let God take you into total oneness with Himself, paying no more attention to what you call the great things of life? Once you totally surrender, you will no longer think about what God is going to do. Abandonment to Him means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking questions. If you totally surrender yourself to God, He says, "I will give your life to you as a prize". 5/10 Father, I want to live in such surrender to You that everyday becomes a "prize"...that I may live in Your delight, that my joy be restored-not because others' faith in me is restored, but because of who I am in You and You alone!
From "Finding Favor with the King"
"Will you dangle your toes over the edge of God's promises and leap out into the unknown, casting your fate upon the faithfulness of God?"
"Just remember that the more important your future, the greater your opponent! Do you suddenly feel as if you are facing giant enemies? Hold on! Your destiny is about to be revealed. If it had not been for an enemy called 'Goliath', David would always have been just a shepherd."
"When destiny pushes you to the edge of desperation and the limits of your abilities, cast your future into the hands of God and take a leap of faith!"
Chapter 31: the story ends, but the healing continues
I mentioned earlier that I'm not "all better" and truth is, I probably never will be. But you know what? That's ok. This woman that once controlled her circumstances and in a 'humble' way :) thought she was invincible, is indeed changed. I will never be the same. You have heard me refer frequently to this as a battle. If you have experienced emotional struggles or if you are in the midst of it, you relate to that word. You can certainly come out a victor, but it doesn't mean you won't have wounds....deep wounds, life-changing wounds. Those wounds usually leave evidence of the raging effects of what you experienced. Don't be ashamed of your scars. You will try to hide them and that's understandable, but at some point another will see your scars, and it will give her the courage to unveil her own wounds. Some may still be fresh.....opened.....even bleeding, but it won't cause you to look away in disgust. You will connect with her in a different way. You tell her of your own battle, as I have mine....the ugliness of it, the repeated times I was knocked down, sometimes not certain I would ever get up, the chaos of it all, the fear that gripped me and I knew I was done, only to feel someone lift my weak body and carry me. Wow, someone is actually carrying me! Don't they know they're getting 'blood' all over themselves? Don't they realize this battle may last for a while? Oh man, they're slowing down, they are weakening..."oh God, please don't let them lay me back down on this familiar battlefield, I don't think I can do it, I'm too weak, I'm tired." Wait a minute, they've stopped, but they're not laying me down. Really? They're gently putting me on someone else's back. I look up and I look around. I see familiar faces. Some that I haven't seen in years, but they heard I was in trouble and they came, they came to help. Some are helping carry me, others are clearing a path to make it easier, some are wiping my brow, others are placing pressure to my wounds as they bleed, while others are simply running next to me. I can hear them pray. I hear their words of encouragement. They are cheering....literally cheering me on. Why? I'm embarrassed and ashamed that so many are seeing me in such a pathetic state, but at the same time, I'm thankful. So thankful. As my gaze looks to the right and the left, I am amazed. But then I look straight ahead. I see Him. And I suddenly realize why they are all here. He has called them. He gathered them on my behalf. He is leading the way. He looks back at me and catches my eyes as they look around frantically. He patiently waits for my eyes to lock onto His. I can't explain what happened at that moment, except all the sudden it didn't matter that I was bleeding all over the place, that the pain was becoming unbearable, and that I was so very exposed. As long as I focused on His eyes, I felt a strange sense of hope and I knew, I just knew I would come out of this. I was going to make it. It wouldn't be pretty. A battle never is. And I wouldn't be the only one to have wounds from this battle. Others would suffer. When I see their scars, it would be a painful reminder of what I put them through, of what they went through on my behalf. But perhaps they too would be forever changed as a result of my battle. Maybe stronger, perhaps a little wiser, and hopefully grateful....grateful that they were chosen by Him to help carry out a plan to give one of His children a future and a hope.
There is no way I can thank all that have been involved in my struggles over the past 2 years, nor in my healing over the previous months. I see them differently. There's a bond between us that will never be broken. I look at Mark and I see a man that has strength beyond himself and yet the gentleness of Christ. Our relationship is built on a new sense of grace and understanding. We don't just enjoy each other, we fellowship with each other. He has chosen not to read this blog. Understandably so. It's too fresh and still too painful to relive. I adore this man. He is the real deal. I've never been more certain of anything.
My children. They have poured out more grace than I've deserved. They truly love me unconditionally. Luke and Logan are typical guys that don't necessarily feel the need to talk about their deepest emotions....go figure, huh? But, we do talk, a lot more. And they aren't afraid to talk about the real issues of life. And they don't hesitate to joke with me about my past and find opportune times to 'threaten a visit back to the nuthouse'. We love to laugh together. And then there's Sara. My sweet drama queen. Well, if this didn't provide her with a little drama, I'm not sure what would! She has been an incredible support to me, even in the toughest of times. She could have drowned in self-pity, but instead chose to stay afloat and refuse to give up on me. We have lived and loved and lost together. She knows her mother on a whole different level now. I'm not sure every 19 year old girl could handle that, but Sara has displayed nothing but gentleness and grace every step of the way. My children have experienced life in ways that parents don't wish upon their kiddos. My prayer is that one day they will look back upon this season of their lives and see that the Lord used this time to mold them and shape them into people that aren't afraid to face trials. I pray that they have a deep sense of compassion and understanding for the hurting that they may not have known otherwise. I pray they find their hearts softened within a hardened society.
Bless you, sweet friends of mine. You have touched this woman in unbelievable ways. For those of you that saw your friend lose her mind, I will never forget your kindness, your gentleness, and your never-ending grace. Thank you for your loyalty, for your devotion, for your prayers of power, and for your sacrifice. When I look into your faces, I see a perfect reflection of Christ. As I heal, you encourage me to 'remove the coat' of shame. You don't look at me and shake your head. You look at me and I know....I know that we share something, something so rare and so genuine. We shared a season of life together. You are a gift to me. Every stinkin' one of you! :)
My healing continues. I'm sure it will continue until the day I die. There are many that weren't even aware of my struggles during that time, but you have been used in mighty ways during my healing. You have helped me look into the mirror and see myself through the eyes of Christ. That's huge. You have met me for coffee at all hours just to tell me that you believe in me. There are still days that I struggle....badly. And on those days, I give myself a little more grace. I allow myself to hurt. I allow myself to feel shame. But then I choose to stand on both feet, to refocus my gaze, and to set my feet on solid ground...and walk.
Like the song says, "He knew I'd need a Savior". On October 31st, 2009, He gave me one. And so, "I will give with the life that I've been given...to touch a world that's broken....to be Your hands and feet..." I pray that this blog has touched the broken. I pray that hope may be restored through its words. I pray that you will allow my Lord to speak truth to you in your situation and that you will once and for all find victory. As one of my favorite authors, Tommy Tenney says, "You can never become who you are supposed to be without a victory, and there is no victory without a battle."
I have received numerous emails (it's listed on my profile) and facebook messages telling me how the Lord is using this blog in their lives or in the life of someone they've passed it on to. All I can say to that is, "Praise God"! I know there are so many women that suffer from hormonal issues, emotional issues, mental issues and as I have shared, I now have a very different perspective on these issues. I would encourage you to 'comment' on the blog because it gives other women hope and comfort to know that they are not alone. I have begun praying daily for those that write, either by email, facebook, or comment. I am committed to lifting you before my Lord and interceeding on your behalf. You are not alone. Did you hear me? You are not alone.
If the Lord lays something on my heart, I will add to the blog. In the meantime, I ask for your prayers that the Lord will annoint this blog for His glory and that He would lead hurting women to it. If you know of someone that is in pain or perhaps another that is struggling to find the strength to help another, please feel free to pass it on. I am going to utilize one more chapter for bible verses and/or quotes from which I have found hope and healing.
There is no way I can thank all that have been involved in my struggles over the past 2 years, nor in my healing over the previous months. I see them differently. There's a bond between us that will never be broken. I look at Mark and I see a man that has strength beyond himself and yet the gentleness of Christ. Our relationship is built on a new sense of grace and understanding. We don't just enjoy each other, we fellowship with each other. He has chosen not to read this blog. Understandably so. It's too fresh and still too painful to relive. I adore this man. He is the real deal. I've never been more certain of anything.
My children. They have poured out more grace than I've deserved. They truly love me unconditionally. Luke and Logan are typical guys that don't necessarily feel the need to talk about their deepest emotions....go figure, huh? But, we do talk, a lot more. And they aren't afraid to talk about the real issues of life. And they don't hesitate to joke with me about my past and find opportune times to 'threaten a visit back to the nuthouse'. We love to laugh together. And then there's Sara. My sweet drama queen. Well, if this didn't provide her with a little drama, I'm not sure what would! She has been an incredible support to me, even in the toughest of times. She could have drowned in self-pity, but instead chose to stay afloat and refuse to give up on me. We have lived and loved and lost together. She knows her mother on a whole different level now. I'm not sure every 19 year old girl could handle that, but Sara has displayed nothing but gentleness and grace every step of the way. My children have experienced life in ways that parents don't wish upon their kiddos. My prayer is that one day they will look back upon this season of their lives and see that the Lord used this time to mold them and shape them into people that aren't afraid to face trials. I pray that they have a deep sense of compassion and understanding for the hurting that they may not have known otherwise. I pray they find their hearts softened within a hardened society.
Bless you, sweet friends of mine. You have touched this woman in unbelievable ways. For those of you that saw your friend lose her mind, I will never forget your kindness, your gentleness, and your never-ending grace. Thank you for your loyalty, for your devotion, for your prayers of power, and for your sacrifice. When I look into your faces, I see a perfect reflection of Christ. As I heal, you encourage me to 'remove the coat' of shame. You don't look at me and shake your head. You look at me and I know....I know that we share something, something so rare and so genuine. We shared a season of life together. You are a gift to me. Every stinkin' one of you! :)
My healing continues. I'm sure it will continue until the day I die. There are many that weren't even aware of my struggles during that time, but you have been used in mighty ways during my healing. You have helped me look into the mirror and see myself through the eyes of Christ. That's huge. You have met me for coffee at all hours just to tell me that you believe in me. There are still days that I struggle....badly. And on those days, I give myself a little more grace. I allow myself to hurt. I allow myself to feel shame. But then I choose to stand on both feet, to refocus my gaze, and to set my feet on solid ground...and walk.
Like the song says, "He knew I'd need a Savior". On October 31st, 2009, He gave me one. And so, "I will give with the life that I've been given...to touch a world that's broken....to be Your hands and feet..." I pray that this blog has touched the broken. I pray that hope may be restored through its words. I pray that you will allow my Lord to speak truth to you in your situation and that you will once and for all find victory. As one of my favorite authors, Tommy Tenney says, "You can never become who you are supposed to be without a victory, and there is no victory without a battle."
I have received numerous emails (it's listed on my profile) and facebook messages telling me how the Lord is using this blog in their lives or in the life of someone they've passed it on to. All I can say to that is, "Praise God"! I know there are so many women that suffer from hormonal issues, emotional issues, mental issues and as I have shared, I now have a very different perspective on these issues. I would encourage you to 'comment' on the blog because it gives other women hope and comfort to know that they are not alone. I have begun praying daily for those that write, either by email, facebook, or comment. I am committed to lifting you before my Lord and interceeding on your behalf. You are not alone. Did you hear me? You are not alone.
If the Lord lays something on my heart, I will add to the blog. In the meantime, I ask for your prayers that the Lord will annoint this blog for His glory and that He would lead hurting women to it. If you know of someone that is in pain or perhaps another that is struggling to find the strength to help another, please feel free to pass it on. I am going to utilize one more chapter for bible verses and/or quotes from which I have found hope and healing.
Chapter 30: A word to my fellow 'crazy' sister
I don't say that word crazy out of disrespect, I call myself crazy because I don't want to tip toe around the issue.....I call it for what it is: I was in a nuthouse because I went crazy. So, please don't take offense to that word. If you are in the trenches of despair as you read this, hang on sister. Don't give up on yourself. If others have given up on you, I'm sorry for that, but don't get hung up on it. Don't allow that to feed what you are already feeling about yourself. If you are a believer of Christ, focus on Him alone. I know it's tough to pray for yourself right now, but force yourself to become immersed in the Word. If you are comfortable doing so, have others read scripture out loud to you. Grab onto the hope that He has for you. You may not feel it, but there is hope for you.
I understand the feeling of hitting rock bottom, of feeling desperate and thinking you can't go another day. Remember, I set out to kill myself 7 short months ago. It's still so fresh, when I hear the sound of sirens, I cringe. So yes, I get it, sweet lady. But part of why I'm writing this is to share what I wish I would've done differently, like be honest with the professionals....tell them I was suicidal. Uggghhh....but the stigma. Yes, I know. So if the words are stinging with truth as you read them or perhaps you can hardly read because the tears are clouding your vision, please call someone you trust and let them help you. You may be thinking 'but you only dealt with your deep depression for a few short weeks'. True...my deep depression, but I struggled for 2 years and just couldn't put my finger on what was happening in my life. I knew I wasn't the same. I knew I was acting differently. I recognized the fact that I was slowly drowning and I was growing tired of the fight. I was weary from flapping my arms to stay afloat or grabbing onto everyone around me to keep from going under again. Perhaps that's where you are at. You are tired. In fact, you are flat worn out. You long for the morning that you can wake up and not feel the dread of the day ahead. The joy that you used to experience is so far removed you can barely recall what it feels like to feel true joy. You look at your children and your heart breaks because you know that you truly are a good mom. They deserve memories that will fill their minds of a mother that laughed.....that enjoyed life to the fullest.....a mom that touched their lives in a way that made it better, richer. You look into the eyes of your husband and you see eyes that are tired. You wonder if he regrets the day he said, "in sickness and in health". No one expects this type of sickness. You know that your family deserves more, but you feel so helpless. You want to make it all go away and day after day, it remains. Some days are better than others. There are days when you can 'push' through, but it's usually for others. That's ok, they deserve the break. "God, I just want to be free....I long for freedom from the chains that bind me.....please release me...." As I write this, I can barely see the words as I type them for the tears that fill my eyes. I know there are those of you that are in the heat of the battle and my heart hurts for you so deeply. If I could hold you right now, I would. I cry with you, sister. Some of you I know....others I've never met. Some have emailed me and told me of your pain. Please know that you are not alone. You may feel that you have run off everyone that you trusted with your pain. One gal wrote, "they abandoned me in my time of greatest need". I understand that statement, but I also know the fear of being on the other side of that need. It's a terribly heavy load and not everyone will be able to stay with you. It may feel heartless and even cruel, but extend grace and trust that the Lord will give you exactly what you need. Perhaps He wants your gaze to be so fixed on His that He had to remove every distraction. I promise you, once your eyes lock onto His and He is all you can see....the load will begin to lighten. It's not easy. We are human beings. Ok, we are women, for cryin' out loud! We need others. Don't you think He gets that? But, He also sees this as an incredible opportunity to draw you so close....so very close to Himself that He's willing to let you hurt beyond what you can handle on your own. He is our Father that longs for us to lean on Him. Lean girl. Lean hard. He doesn't tire....He doesn't grow weary. He's there.....He's right there, I promise.
Perhaps as you read all of this, you cannot relate or do not wish to relate to it because you are not a believer in my Lord. Ok. I won't apologize for the spiritual content of this blog because He is my Savior. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that He saved my life on October 31, 2009. And there is no doubt in my mind that He allowed me to go through this trial for reasons I will probably never fully understand. That's ok. That's what living a life of faith is all about. He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. If you are not a believer, you may think, 'How could a loving God allow us to suffer like this?'. He doesn't promise a life free of pain and suffering....never has. He only promises to hold our hand while we go through it. It's up to us to take His hand. If you've never experienced His touch before, it is like nothing you will ever experience in this life. His touch is gentle. If you suddenly feel a breeze of indescribable peace come over you, it's my Lord bending down from heaven and placing His cheek next to yours. Feel it? It will take your breath away. Listen closely and you will hear Him whisper. What's He saying? What does the God of Gods have to say to me at my lowest? "Be still and know that I am God". "I know the thoughts I have toward you....to give you a future and a hope". I encourage you to let Him be your Savior. Maybe He is your Savior, but you just need to feel His touch. He's right there. He's placed the business of heaven on hold and He's bending down just to touch you. He's right there. I promise.
Whether you are experiencing hormonal issues that leave you with emotional ups and downs or periods of anxiety and/or depression that you are finding more and more difficult to deal with or if you are in the depths of depression, I want you to know that there is help for you....there is hope for you. Don't give up on seeking professional help, even if it means getting opinion after opinion. There are a lot of different diagnoses and a huge variety of medications. Don't allow the weariness of seeking to keep you from finding the right doctor....and the right medication(s). Seek professional counseling and don't be afraid to lay it all out there. There is a life to be lived, my friend.....let's live it to the fullest!
I understand the feeling of hitting rock bottom, of feeling desperate and thinking you can't go another day. Remember, I set out to kill myself 7 short months ago. It's still so fresh, when I hear the sound of sirens, I cringe. So yes, I get it, sweet lady. But part of why I'm writing this is to share what I wish I would've done differently, like be honest with the professionals....tell them I was suicidal. Uggghhh....but the stigma. Yes, I know. So if the words are stinging with truth as you read them or perhaps you can hardly read because the tears are clouding your vision, please call someone you trust and let them help you. You may be thinking 'but you only dealt with your deep depression for a few short weeks'. True...my deep depression, but I struggled for 2 years and just couldn't put my finger on what was happening in my life. I knew I wasn't the same. I knew I was acting differently. I recognized the fact that I was slowly drowning and I was growing tired of the fight. I was weary from flapping my arms to stay afloat or grabbing onto everyone around me to keep from going under again. Perhaps that's where you are at. You are tired. In fact, you are flat worn out. You long for the morning that you can wake up and not feel the dread of the day ahead. The joy that you used to experience is so far removed you can barely recall what it feels like to feel true joy. You look at your children and your heart breaks because you know that you truly are a good mom. They deserve memories that will fill their minds of a mother that laughed.....that enjoyed life to the fullest.....a mom that touched their lives in a way that made it better, richer. You look into the eyes of your husband and you see eyes that are tired. You wonder if he regrets the day he said, "in sickness and in health". No one expects this type of sickness. You know that your family deserves more, but you feel so helpless. You want to make it all go away and day after day, it remains. Some days are better than others. There are days when you can 'push' through, but it's usually for others. That's ok, they deserve the break. "God, I just want to be free....I long for freedom from the chains that bind me.....please release me...." As I write this, I can barely see the words as I type them for the tears that fill my eyes. I know there are those of you that are in the heat of the battle and my heart hurts for you so deeply. If I could hold you right now, I would. I cry with you, sister. Some of you I know....others I've never met. Some have emailed me and told me of your pain. Please know that you are not alone. You may feel that you have run off everyone that you trusted with your pain. One gal wrote, "they abandoned me in my time of greatest need". I understand that statement, but I also know the fear of being on the other side of that need. It's a terribly heavy load and not everyone will be able to stay with you. It may feel heartless and even cruel, but extend grace and trust that the Lord will give you exactly what you need. Perhaps He wants your gaze to be so fixed on His that He had to remove every distraction. I promise you, once your eyes lock onto His and He is all you can see....the load will begin to lighten. It's not easy. We are human beings. Ok, we are women, for cryin' out loud! We need others. Don't you think He gets that? But, He also sees this as an incredible opportunity to draw you so close....so very close to Himself that He's willing to let you hurt beyond what you can handle on your own. He is our Father that longs for us to lean on Him. Lean girl. Lean hard. He doesn't tire....He doesn't grow weary. He's there.....He's right there, I promise.
Perhaps as you read all of this, you cannot relate or do not wish to relate to it because you are not a believer in my Lord. Ok. I won't apologize for the spiritual content of this blog because He is my Savior. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that He saved my life on October 31, 2009. And there is no doubt in my mind that He allowed me to go through this trial for reasons I will probably never fully understand. That's ok. That's what living a life of faith is all about. He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. If you are not a believer, you may think, 'How could a loving God allow us to suffer like this?'. He doesn't promise a life free of pain and suffering....never has. He only promises to hold our hand while we go through it. It's up to us to take His hand. If you've never experienced His touch before, it is like nothing you will ever experience in this life. His touch is gentle. If you suddenly feel a breeze of indescribable peace come over you, it's my Lord bending down from heaven and placing His cheek next to yours. Feel it? It will take your breath away. Listen closely and you will hear Him whisper. What's He saying? What does the God of Gods have to say to me at my lowest? "Be still and know that I am God". "I know the thoughts I have toward you....to give you a future and a hope". I encourage you to let Him be your Savior. Maybe He is your Savior, but you just need to feel His touch. He's right there. He's placed the business of heaven on hold and He's bending down just to touch you. He's right there. I promise.
Whether you are experiencing hormonal issues that leave you with emotional ups and downs or periods of anxiety and/or depression that you are finding more and more difficult to deal with or if you are in the depths of depression, I want you to know that there is help for you....there is hope for you. Don't give up on seeking professional help, even if it means getting opinion after opinion. There are a lot of different diagnoses and a huge variety of medications. Don't allow the weariness of seeking to keep you from finding the right doctor....and the right medication(s). Seek professional counseling and don't be afraid to lay it all out there. There is a life to be lived, my friend.....let's live it to the fullest!
Chapter 29: A Word to the Supporters of the Hormonal
Can I just say a few words to those that are supporting us crazy hormonal beings? First of all, thank you. I know it's not easy. And if you aren't supporting someone now, I feel certain the opportunity will eventually present itself. I feel as though I can address this with you because I've experienced both sides very well. I prefer to be on the supporting side, rather than the supported....but I'm glad to know both perspectives. Supporting someone going through emotional issues can be extremely draining, not only to you, but to your family as well. One word.....communicate. Communicate with your friend or loved one frequently, even if you are afraid it will hurt her feelings. Tell her when you need a break, but let her know you'll be back. Be honest with her at all times. Communicate with your husband. Make sure they are blessing the time and effort you are spending with her. When I was supporting a friend, Mark said, "I know this is who you are and I want you to help her. I just ask that you keep me updated on how she is doing. Keep talking to me about it. Don't assume that this is your deal only. I want to support you supporting her." I know that not all husbands will be that encouraging, but communication is key. If you are comfortable doing so, talk to her husband or some of her adult family members. You want them to know that you are not there to interfere and you are not there to 'save the day', but that you are there. As I was going through the worst of my depression, Mark and my friends were in constant contact. It wasn't wierd or inappropriate, it was very helpful to both sides. They were all on the same page. You may have to set boundaries for yourself so that it doesn't interfere with others in your life that need you. Notice I said, set boundaries for yourself, not for her. She is an adult. Encourage and guide her to set boundaries for herself. Give her some control. Remember, she's already feeling as though she's lost so much of her 'self'.
Also, know that touch is very important to someone feeling depressed. Sometimes all they need is to be held. The human touch is a powerful thing. If you are a praying person, pray with her....and then pray with her again. She's not at a place to pray for herself. She's too weak. Gather others to pray for her. It may save her very life. Several of my girlfriends gathered in Denver to pray on my behalf. They were interceding and I wasn't even aware. In addition, don't be afraid to show 'tough love'. I think of KK who came to my house and 'encouraged' me to come out of my dark room and out of my bed. It made a world of difference for that moment.
You know, some just don't have the gift of mercy and compassion. That's ok. Don't beat yourself up over it, but don't allow the pressure of supporting in ways you are not comfortable with build...and then explode. Even though your friend needs you, it will do neither of you any good if her neediness ruins your friendship. Communicate. :) There is so much power in the spoken word of a friend when you are deeply hurting. Please remember she's already weak and probably disgusted with herself. She is hanging on to hope that others give her. She's listening to every word you are saying. She's clinging to them, trust me. I think about patients that I see in the hospital that are dying and they're feeling hopeless and so are their family members. The doctor comes in and they are straining to hear every single word. They long to hear any word that will bring them even the slightest hope. And if they hear it, they can't get their focus off of it. They will keep bringing it up again and again....clarifying over and over. My point? When we are at our weakest, we need others to give us words of power and encouragement. A friend of mine used to call it "talking her off a cliff". It wasn't that I had great words of wisdom....she just knew that I loved her enough to speak words that would encourage her, even if I had already said them many times before.
I say these next words with gentleness, so please hear my heart. If you have someone in your life that is suffering, please try not to get caught up in the psycho-analysis catch words, like "codependence" or "unhealthy relationship" or "emotionally dependent". I know there are those that are so overly dependent on others that they begin to 'enjoy' their illness because it gets them attention....that's not what I'm speaking of. But, for the woman that finds herself in the trenches and needs help, for crying out loud, help her! Love her! Support her! There will be times when you will feel wrung out. There will be times when you feel yourself being pulled into the trenches with her. There will be times when you can't 'talk her off the cliff' anymore. I get that. I've been there. But, I now have the other side's perspective. There are times when we just flat out need each other! Is it a"healthy" situation? Heck no, one of you is desperately ill, but please know that it is temporary. It doesn't mean the relationship itself is unhealthy! Onlookers may view it as "unhealthy", but sister, go with your gut on this one. Seek guidance from only your Lord. You don't have to be the answer....but you can be a great resource. You don't have to be the healer....but you can be a great intercessor. You don't have to be the hero....but you can be an amazing friend. The nature of Christ tells us to reach beyond ourselves and carry one another's burdens. There's a book I love called "Intercessory Prayer" by Dutch Sheets. He paints a vivid picture of carrying one another's burdens. He says, It's not 'helping' someone carry their burdens, it's literally 'staking' yourself to the burden, placing it on your back and carrying it for them. When you need a break, someone else steps in and does the same. That is truly being an extension of Christ. I think of the 3 weeks prior to that dreaded night of October 31st when my estrogen plummeted beyond control and my friends began tag-teaming each other to 'carry my burden'. They communicated with each other frequently, they planned, they prayed together, and they sacrificed. I found out later that they each had hourly alarms set on their phones to pray for me. When a friend of mine was struggling, several of us committed to fasting and praying everyday during lunch for several weeks. Why? Because that's what we are called to do for our sisters in Christ. If your friend or loved one is worth fighting for....then fight with the intent of winning! If you give up on her, it sends the message that she wasn't worth fighting for. And if the burden's too heavy (and I know it can be...and that's ok)...get others involved in helping you carry the load. You can't and shouldn't be doing it by yourself. You WILL get burned out and fed up. It will be good for her as well if you allow others to get involved....very involved. Know that it might cost you...a lot. Going beyond ourselves usually does. It can be exhausting, but if we do it and allow Christ to be our strength and if our loved ones can support us in supporting others, that's what its all about....carrying each other's burdens and pouring out the grace of Christ upon another. It's a very cool thing.
Let me ask you a question? If your long time friend and christian sister were dying of cancer, would you love and support her? Of course you would. But would you feel empowered to heal her of her disease? No, but you would feel a responsibility to intercede for her and to be there for her during her times of doubt, anger, and sadness. You would cry with her. You would hold her when she felt scared and alone. And when she's lying on her death bed, taking her last breaths, would you say, "I've had enough. This is too heavy for me to handle." and leave the room? No. You would hold her hand. You would cry for her. You would whisper to her, "I'm here. You are not alone." You wouldn't start beating on her chest and try to revive her. You would just be there. If you are tired and growing weary from carrying someone, please stay by her side. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Make boundaries for yourself if you need to, but be the arms of Christ....be the voice of her Lord....look at her through the eyes of Jesus and see her for what you know she can be...what you know she will be once again.
One more thing I want to say to you. I think you are amazing. You are my hero. I pray that grace will be poured out upon you if you ever find yourself in your own trenches. I pray that your sisters in Christ will line up, waiting their turn to carry your burden for you. You deserve nothing less.
Also, know that touch is very important to someone feeling depressed. Sometimes all they need is to be held. The human touch is a powerful thing. If you are a praying person, pray with her....and then pray with her again. She's not at a place to pray for herself. She's too weak. Gather others to pray for her. It may save her very life. Several of my girlfriends gathered in Denver to pray on my behalf. They were interceding and I wasn't even aware. In addition, don't be afraid to show 'tough love'. I think of KK who came to my house and 'encouraged' me to come out of my dark room and out of my bed. It made a world of difference for that moment.
You know, some just don't have the gift of mercy and compassion. That's ok. Don't beat yourself up over it, but don't allow the pressure of supporting in ways you are not comfortable with build...and then explode. Even though your friend needs you, it will do neither of you any good if her neediness ruins your friendship. Communicate. :) There is so much power in the spoken word of a friend when you are deeply hurting. Please remember she's already weak and probably disgusted with herself. She is hanging on to hope that others give her. She's listening to every word you are saying. She's clinging to them, trust me. I think about patients that I see in the hospital that are dying and they're feeling hopeless and so are their family members. The doctor comes in and they are straining to hear every single word. They long to hear any word that will bring them even the slightest hope. And if they hear it, they can't get their focus off of it. They will keep bringing it up again and again....clarifying over and over. My point? When we are at our weakest, we need others to give us words of power and encouragement. A friend of mine used to call it "talking her off a cliff". It wasn't that I had great words of wisdom....she just knew that I loved her enough to speak words that would encourage her, even if I had already said them many times before.
I say these next words with gentleness, so please hear my heart. If you have someone in your life that is suffering, please try not to get caught up in the psycho-analysis catch words, like "codependence" or "unhealthy relationship" or "emotionally dependent". I know there are those that are so overly dependent on others that they begin to 'enjoy' their illness because it gets them attention....that's not what I'm speaking of. But, for the woman that finds herself in the trenches and needs help, for crying out loud, help her! Love her! Support her! There will be times when you will feel wrung out. There will be times when you feel yourself being pulled into the trenches with her. There will be times when you can't 'talk her off the cliff' anymore. I get that. I've been there. But, I now have the other side's perspective. There are times when we just flat out need each other! Is it a"healthy" situation? Heck no, one of you is desperately ill, but please know that it is temporary. It doesn't mean the relationship itself is unhealthy! Onlookers may view it as "unhealthy", but sister, go with your gut on this one. Seek guidance from only your Lord. You don't have to be the answer....but you can be a great resource. You don't have to be the healer....but you can be a great intercessor. You don't have to be the hero....but you can be an amazing friend. The nature of Christ tells us to reach beyond ourselves and carry one another's burdens. There's a book I love called "Intercessory Prayer" by Dutch Sheets. He paints a vivid picture of carrying one another's burdens. He says, It's not 'helping' someone carry their burdens, it's literally 'staking' yourself to the burden, placing it on your back and carrying it for them. When you need a break, someone else steps in and does the same. That is truly being an extension of Christ. I think of the 3 weeks prior to that dreaded night of October 31st when my estrogen plummeted beyond control and my friends began tag-teaming each other to 'carry my burden'. They communicated with each other frequently, they planned, they prayed together, and they sacrificed. I found out later that they each had hourly alarms set on their phones to pray for me. When a friend of mine was struggling, several of us committed to fasting and praying everyday during lunch for several weeks. Why? Because that's what we are called to do for our sisters in Christ. If your friend or loved one is worth fighting for....then fight with the intent of winning! If you give up on her, it sends the message that she wasn't worth fighting for. And if the burden's too heavy (and I know it can be...and that's ok)...get others involved in helping you carry the load. You can't and shouldn't be doing it by yourself. You WILL get burned out and fed up. It will be good for her as well if you allow others to get involved....very involved. Know that it might cost you...a lot. Going beyond ourselves usually does. It can be exhausting, but if we do it and allow Christ to be our strength and if our loved ones can support us in supporting others, that's what its all about....carrying each other's burdens and pouring out the grace of Christ upon another. It's a very cool thing.
Let me ask you a question? If your long time friend and christian sister were dying of cancer, would you love and support her? Of course you would. But would you feel empowered to heal her of her disease? No, but you would feel a responsibility to intercede for her and to be there for her during her times of doubt, anger, and sadness. You would cry with her. You would hold her when she felt scared and alone. And when she's lying on her death bed, taking her last breaths, would you say, "I've had enough. This is too heavy for me to handle." and leave the room? No. You would hold her hand. You would cry for her. You would whisper to her, "I'm here. You are not alone." You wouldn't start beating on her chest and try to revive her. You would just be there. If you are tired and growing weary from carrying someone, please stay by her side. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Make boundaries for yourself if you need to, but be the arms of Christ....be the voice of her Lord....look at her through the eyes of Jesus and see her for what you know she can be...what you know she will be once again.
One more thing I want to say to you. I think you are amazing. You are my hero. I pray that grace will be poured out upon you if you ever find yourself in your own trenches. I pray that your sisters in Christ will line up, waiting their turn to carry your burden for you. You deserve nothing less.
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