A Day of Celebration!

Today I celebrate my 50th birthday! Wow....1/2 a century. I am flooded with a mixture of emotions. I think about the day one year ago and I remember being consumed with anxiety. I was so troubled. I don't want to dwell on it, however, because although I was a completely different person one year ago, I know that His hand was on me, just the same. My journal entry from 9/1/09 says:

Do within me whatever You need to Father to make me a holy vessel before You. Be God. Be my salvation. Be my rock. My only hope is in You and in You I place my trust. I feel Your sweet rest. I am in the midst of constant anxiety, yet in You do I trust. My chest is heavy, my mind unfocused, my emotions unsteady- but You are my rock, You alone can save me- You give me peace in the midst of my storm! Thank you, Father. Hold me close.

My prayer remains the same, Father. Do whatever You need to do in me to make me a holy vessel. I want to be used by You. Whatever that looks like.

It's hard to explain just what I feel these days. On occasion, I continue to struggle with shame. To tell you the truth, I'm so tired of playing and replaying the past two years. But at the same time, it keeps me humble. Mmmm....so humble. I have to smile as I look in the mirror and see the woman that was once so 'strong'...a woman that was so full of energy, full of life....full of herself. I didn't realize it. The last thing I wanted to be was prideful. I wanted to be a woman of Christ that He could use to encourage others, to pray for others, to be His hands and feet. But interestingly enough, the more I prayed for Christ to rid Kim Bryan of Kim Bryan, the more He did just that. There was a lot to get rid of, come to find out. And something tells me He's not done yet :) As the months went by, I became weaker and weaker. I'm certain I looked pathetic to onlookers. I became scared and insecure. I became a woman that was no longer a joy to be around. Well, you know the rest of the story if you've read. My point? My point is that I am weak. I no longer cringe when I say that. I am weak. There is no pride in my walk with my Savior. When I look in the mirror, I do smile, but I smile because I see a 50 year old woman that reflects something different in her eyes. It's not pride. It's not confidence. It's not strength. It's certainly not wisdom. It's joy. Not in her circumstances, not in her accomplishments, not in the relationships she possesses....it's joy in knowing my Lord in a different way. I've never known intimacy like this. And it leaves me wanting more. I mean, literally, I can't get enough! Morning after morning, I sit at His feet and I don't want to leave. He truly is my everything. So I celebrate today. For different reasons that I've celebrated this day in the past. And I look in the mirror.....and I smile.