Chapter 30: A word to my fellow 'crazy' sister

I don't say that word crazy out of disrespect, I call myself crazy because I don't want to tip toe around the issue.....I call it for what it is: I was in a nuthouse because I went crazy. So, please don't take offense to that word. If you are in the trenches of despair as you read this, hang on sister. Don't give up on yourself. If others have given up on you, I'm sorry for that, but don't get hung up on it. Don't allow that to feed what you are already feeling about yourself. If you are a believer of Christ, focus on Him alone. I know it's tough to pray for yourself right now, but force yourself to become immersed in the Word. If you are comfortable doing so, have others read scripture out loud to you. Grab onto the hope that He has for you. You may not feel it, but there is hope for you.


I understand the feeling of hitting rock bottom, of feeling desperate and thinking you can't go another day. Remember, I set out to kill myself 7 short months ago. It's still so fresh, when I hear the sound of sirens, I cringe. So yes, I get it, sweet lady. But part of why I'm writing this is to share what I wish I would've done differently, like be honest with the professionals....tell them I was suicidal. Uggghhh....but the stigma. Yes, I know. So if the words are stinging with truth as you read them or perhaps you can hardly read because the tears are clouding your vision, please call someone you trust and let them help you. You may be thinking 'but you only dealt with your deep depression for a few short weeks'. True...my deep depression, but I struggled for 2 years and just couldn't put my finger on what was happening in my life. I knew I wasn't the same. I knew I was acting differently. I recognized the fact that I was slowly drowning and I was growing tired of the fight. I was weary from flapping my arms to stay afloat or grabbing onto everyone around me to keep from going under again. Perhaps that's where you are at. You are tired. In fact, you are flat worn out. You long for the morning that you can wake up and not feel the dread of the day ahead. The joy that you used to experience is so far removed you can barely recall what it feels like to feel true joy. You look at your children and your heart breaks because you know that you truly are a good mom. They deserve memories that will fill their minds of a mother that laughed.....that enjoyed life to the fullest.....a mom that touched their lives in a way that made it better, richer. You look into the eyes of your husband and you see eyes that are tired. You wonder if he regrets the day he said, "in sickness and in health". No one expects this type of sickness. You know that your family deserves more, but you feel so helpless. You want to make it all go away and day after day, it remains. Some days are better than others. There are days when you can 'push' through, but it's usually for others. That's ok, they deserve the break. "God, I just want to be free....I long for freedom from the chains that bind me.....please release me...." As I write this, I can barely see the words as I type them for the tears that fill my eyes. I know there are those of you that are in the heat of the battle and my heart hurts for you so deeply. If I could hold you right now, I would. I cry with you, sister. Some of you I know....others I've never met. Some have emailed me and told me of your pain. Please know that you are not alone. You may feel that you have run off everyone that you trusted with your pain. One gal wrote, "they abandoned me in my time of greatest need". I understand that statement, but I also know the fear of being on the other side of that need. It's a terribly heavy load and not everyone will be able to stay with you. It may feel heartless and even cruel, but extend grace and trust that the Lord will give you exactly what you need. Perhaps He wants your gaze to be so fixed on His that He had to remove every distraction. I promise you, once your eyes lock onto His and He is all you can see....the load will begin to lighten. It's not easy. We are human beings. Ok, we are women, for cryin' out loud! We need others. Don't you think He gets that? But, He also sees this as an incredible opportunity to draw you so close....so very close to Himself that He's willing to let you hurt beyond what you can handle on your own. He is our Father that longs for us to lean on Him. Lean girl. Lean hard. He doesn't tire....He doesn't grow weary. He's there.....He's right there, I promise.


Perhaps as you read all of this, you cannot relate or do not wish to relate to it because you are not a believer in my Lord. Ok. I won't apologize for the spiritual content of this blog because He is my Savior. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that He saved my life on October 31, 2009. And there is no doubt in my mind that He allowed me to go through this trial for reasons I will probably never fully understand. That's ok. That's what living a life of faith is all about. He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. If you are not a believer, you may think, 'How could a loving God allow us to suffer like this?'. He doesn't promise a life free of pain and suffering....never has. He only promises to hold our hand while we go through it. It's up to us to take His hand. If you've never experienced His touch before, it is like nothing you will ever experience in this life. His touch is gentle. If you suddenly feel a breeze of indescribable peace come over you, it's my Lord bending down from heaven and placing His cheek next to yours. Feel it? It will take your breath away. Listen closely and you will hear Him whisper. What's He saying? What does the God of Gods have to say to me at my lowest? "Be still and know that I am God". "I know the thoughts I have toward you....to give you a future and a hope". I encourage you to let Him be your Savior. Maybe He is your Savior, but you just need to feel His touch. He's right there. He's placed the business of heaven on hold and He's bending down just to touch you. He's right there. I promise.


Whether you are experiencing hormonal issues that leave you with emotional ups and downs or periods of anxiety and/or depression that you are finding more and more difficult to deal with or if you are in the depths of depression, I want you to know that there is help for you....there is hope for you. Don't give up on seeking professional help, even if it means getting opinion after opinion. There are a lot of different diagnoses and a huge variety of medications. Don't allow the weariness of seeking to keep you from finding the right doctor....and the right medication(s). Seek professional counseling and don't be afraid to lay it all out there. There is a life to be lived, my friend.....let's live it to the fullest!