Chapter 29: A Word to the Supporters of the Hormonal

Can I just say a few words to those that are supporting us crazy hormonal beings? First of all, thank you. I know it's not easy. And if you aren't supporting someone now, I feel certain the opportunity will eventually present itself. I feel as though I can address this with you because I've experienced both sides very well. I prefer to be on the supporting side, rather than the supported....but I'm glad to know both perspectives. Supporting someone going through emotional issues can be extremely draining, not only to you, but to your family as well. One word.....communicate. Communicate with your friend or loved one frequently, even if you are afraid it will hurt her feelings. Tell her when you need a break, but let her know you'll be back. Be honest with her at all times. Communicate with your husband. Make sure they are blessing the time and effort you are spending with her. When I was supporting a friend, Mark said, "I know this is who you are and I want you to help her. I just ask that you keep me updated on how she is doing. Keep talking to me about it. Don't assume that this is your deal only. I want to support you supporting her." I know that not all husbands will be that encouraging, but communication is key. If you are comfortable doing so, talk to her husband or some of her adult family members. You want them to know that you are not there to interfere and you are not there to 'save the day', but that you are there. As I was going through the worst of my depression, Mark and my friends were in constant contact. It wasn't wierd or inappropriate, it was very helpful to both sides. They were all on the same page. You may have to set boundaries for yourself so that it doesn't interfere with others in your life that need you. Notice I said, set boundaries for yourself, not for her. She is an adult. Encourage and guide her to set boundaries for herself. Give her some control. Remember, she's already feeling as though she's lost so much of her 'self'.

Also, know that touch is very important to someone feeling depressed. Sometimes all they need is to be held. The human touch is a powerful thing. If you are a praying person, pray with her....and then pray with her again. She's not at a place to pray for herself. She's too weak. Gather others to pray for her. It may save her very life. Several of my girlfriends gathered in Denver to pray on my behalf. They were interceding and I wasn't even aware. In addition, don't be afraid to show 'tough love'. I think of KK who came to my house and 'encouraged' me to come out of my dark room and out of my bed. It made a world of difference for that moment.

You know, some just don't have the gift of mercy and compassion. That's ok. Don't beat yourself up over it, but don't allow the pressure of supporting in ways you are not comfortable with build...and then explode. Even though your friend needs you, it will do neither of you any good if her neediness ruins your friendship. Communicate. :) There is so much power in the spoken word of a friend when you are deeply hurting. Please remember she's already weak and probably disgusted with herself. She is hanging on to hope that others give her. She's listening to every word you are saying. She's clinging to them, trust me. I think about patients that I see in the hospital that are dying and they're feeling hopeless and so are their family members. The doctor comes in and they are straining to hear every single word. They long to hear any word that will bring them even the slightest hope. And if they hear it, they can't get their focus off of it. They will keep bringing it up again and again....clarifying over and over. My point? When we are at our weakest, we need others to give us words of power and encouragement. A friend of mine used to call it "talking her off a cliff". It wasn't that I had great words of wisdom....she just knew that I loved her enough to speak words that would encourage her, even if I had already said them many times before.

I say these next words with gentleness, so please hear my heart. If you have someone in your life that is suffering, please try not to get caught up in the psycho-analysis catch words, like "codependence" or "unhealthy relationship" or "emotionally dependent". I know there are those that are so overly dependent on others that they begin to 'enjoy' their illness because it gets them attention....that's not what I'm speaking of. But, for the woman that finds herself in the trenches and needs help, for crying out loud, help her! Love her! Support her! There will be times when you will feel wrung out. There will be times when you feel yourself being pulled into the trenches with her. There will be times when you can't 'talk her off the cliff' anymore. I get that. I've been there. But, I now have the other side's perspective. There are times when we just flat out need each other! Is it a"healthy" situation? Heck no, one of you is desperately ill, but please know that it is temporary. It doesn't mean the relationship itself is unhealthy! Onlookers may view it as "unhealthy", but sister, go with your gut on this one. Seek guidance from only your Lord. You don't have to be the answer....but you can be a great resource. You don't have to be the healer....but you can be a great intercessor. You don't have to be the hero....but you can be an amazing friend. The nature of Christ tells us to reach beyond ourselves and carry one another's burdens. There's a book I love called "Intercessory Prayer" by Dutch Sheets. He paints a vivid picture of carrying one another's burdens. He says, It's not 'helping' someone carry their burdens, it's literally 'staking' yourself to the burden, placing it on your back and carrying it for them. When you need a break, someone else steps in and does the same. That is truly being an extension of Christ. I think of the 3 weeks prior to that dreaded night of October 31st when my estrogen plummeted beyond control and my friends began tag-teaming each other to 'carry my burden'. They communicated with each other frequently, they planned, they prayed together, and they sacrificed. I found out later that they each had hourly alarms set on their phones to pray for me. When a friend of mine was struggling, several of us committed to fasting and praying everyday during lunch for several weeks. Why? Because that's what we are called to do for our sisters in Christ. If your friend or loved one is worth fighting for....then fight with the intent of winning! If you give up on her, it sends the message that she wasn't worth fighting for. And if the burden's too heavy (and I know it can be...and that's ok)...get others involved in helping you carry the load. You can't and shouldn't be doing it by yourself. You WILL get burned out and fed up. It will be good for her as well if you allow others to get involved....very involved. Know that it might cost you...a lot. Going beyond ourselves usually does. It can be exhausting, but if we do it and allow Christ to be our strength and if our loved ones can support us in supporting others, that's what its all about....carrying each other's burdens and pouring out the grace of Christ upon another. It's a very cool thing.

Let me ask you a question? If your long time friend and christian sister were dying of cancer, would you love and support her? Of course you would. But would you feel empowered to heal her of her disease? No, but you would feel a responsibility to intercede for her and to be there for her during her times of doubt, anger, and sadness. You would cry with her. You would hold her when she felt scared and alone. And when she's lying on her death bed, taking her last breaths, would you say, "I've had enough. This is too heavy for me to handle." and leave the room? No. You would hold her hand. You would cry for her. You would whisper to her, "I'm here. You are not alone." You wouldn't start beating on her chest and try to revive her. You would just be there. If you are tired and growing weary from carrying someone, please stay by her side. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Make boundaries for yourself if you need to, but be the arms of Christ....be the voice of her Lord....look at her through the eyes of Jesus and see her for what you know she can be...what you know she will be once again.

One more thing I want to say to you. I think you are amazing. You are my hero. I pray that grace will be poured out upon you if you ever find yourself in your own trenches. I pray that your sisters in Christ will line up, waiting their turn to carry your burden for you. You deserve nothing less.