I have dreaded this day to come. But why? One year ago today, I was given not only another chance at LIFE, but I was placed on a new path of that life. A path that has taken me on a journey, one that my Lord designed just for me. Really though? The road has left my flesh torn and opened. I have found myself gasping for air, at times wondering where the next breath will come from. And weak? Never have I been weaker, long ago reaching the end of my own strength. A year ago as I started on this path, I looked at what was before me and all I could see were hills, big hills. And with hills, there are always valleys surrounding them. Looks pretty rocky, pretty rough. Not sure I can do this....no, quite certain I can't do this. Exactly.
One year later. Do I feel victorious? Nope. But am I victorious? You betcha. You see, this has not been a victory of honor. No medals, no parties, no speeches. I'm pretty sure you're not going to find my name written in any history books. Not hardly. In fact, the battle still rages. It's not even over yet! Interestingly enough though, I find myself comfortable in this bulky armor. Believe me, it's not flattering....it's awkward....and at times, it clangs around and makes others uncomfortable. But for now, I choose to leave it on. I choose to fight....for myself, for my family, for others that are hurting. Come to find out, there's a lot that are hurting.
Been a tough week. Had a family member placed in a detox program for drug addiction, learned of painful truths about one of my children, and grieved the loss of a student that was killed in a car accident. All devastating. But....on this anniversary, I tell you that He's got this.....He's got that....there's not one pain, there's not one battle, there's not one desperate moment that He doesn't have. It's sitting in the palm of His hand. He's not letting it go. He's got it.
One year ago today, I looked at tomorrow and couldn't face it. Today, I live for what this very day holds only... I don't even know if I have tomorrow. Today is rich. I choose to live today. And I choose to celebrate.
About Me
- Kim
- This profile will not be extensive, as this blog is not about "me", but about my life circumstances over the past couple of years. I know there are many women that suffer with hormonal issues and if my story can give another woman hope, then it gives purpose to what I've experienced. There are parts of this story that will be difficult to read if you are in the heat of the battle, but I encourage you to keep reading...this is a story of victory. I would love to read your comments. They can be made annonymously, but if you would like to contact me personally, please feel free to do so via my email address. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in my God. Know that you are not in this battle alone. And if you are supporting one that is fighting for hope, please don't give up on her. Stay on the battlefield with her. She needs you.
2 comments:
My Dear Friend, since you made me aware of this journal I have read and reread your entries each time with the same sense of disbelief and sorrow. The idea that we could have come so close to losing your light in this world is a sobering event. That so many, including me, could spend time with you, talk to you about your situation and yet be oblivious to the depth of your dispare....well you think you are in tune with others but it all comes down to what they can and will share with you. I know that through this log you hope to allow others to let their inner struggles show, and I believe you suceed.
When Kim writes that she is one of the last people you would expect to sink so far that the only logical action is to end her life, she is not overestimating her impact on others. I helped Kim begin her career as a nurse, and so many years later I have still yet to meet a person better suited for the career. She was and is still the nurse and person I aspire to be. That such a strong confident advocate for others can be so helpless and lost within the chaos of her mind....well psych issue have always been the hardest for me to deal with for this very reason. That are minds can be so fragile that they completely alter the person we are...well it is humbling to say the least. I applaud your openness and desire to help bring a ray of light to others that may be suffering in darkness. Understand that it is beyond your control that you have this disease, but if you can find the strength inside yourself to cry out there are people and means available to help you. I thank all that you hold dear for allowing you to move through this nightmare and emerge on the other side. Changed, most definitely, stronger, more compassionate(if possible) and better able to serve. With all my love I honor you.
Lori
I am a better nurse for reading this story. I look at emotionally hurting patients with more compassionate eyes and definitely at those contemplating or even attempting suicide with a different perspective. Thank you for your transparency.
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