There are many scriptures that I have clung to over the past two years. I love to put dates next to scripture with notations. I will share the scripture as well as the notations/dates. I hope they speak to you like they have me. There were many times that they literally breathed life into me.
Psalm 25:16
"Turn Yourself to me and have mercy on me, for I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have enlarged. Bring me out of my distresses!" 6/1/09
Isaiah 60:1,2
"Arise, shine; for your light has come! And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold, darkness shall cover the earth, and deep darkness the people; but the Lord will arise over you and His glory will be seen upon you." 10/08 Show your glory through my life!
3/09 Come upon our family...may our lives never be the
same!
Isaiah 60: 19,20
"The sun shall no longer be your light by day, nor for brightness shall the moon give light to you, but the Lord will be to you an everlasting light, and your God your glory. Your sun shall no longer go down, nor shall your moon withdraw itself; for the Lord will be your everlasting light, and the days of your mourning shall be ended." 6/10 No more shame!
Isaiah 66:12
"Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river." 2/28/10 I long for peace.
Malachi 3:10,11
"And try Me now in this, says the Lord, if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it." 6/10 Healing
vs. 11 "And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, so that he will not destroy the fruit of your ground, nor shall the vine fail to bear fruit for you in the field." 4/09, 4/10
Philippians 4:5
"Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand." 5/10 I want to bring You honor
Job 22: 21,22
"Now acquaint yourself with Him and be at peace; thereby good will come to you. Receive instruction from His mouth, and lay up His words in your heart." 11/10 I long to hear from you
Father
Psalm 27:13,14
"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord. 12/09 Good days are ahead
Psalm 31:9,10
"Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in trouble; my eye wastes away with grief, Yes, my soul and my body. My strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away." vs.14 "But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say 'You are my God! My times are in your hand'."
10/08 I don't know what the future holds, but....my times are in your hand!
Psalm 119:133
"Direct my steps by Your word, and let no iniquity have dominion over me." 6/10
Psalm 138:8
"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me, Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands." 4/23/10 Complete Your will in me, whatever it looks like.
Psalm 145:17-19
"The Lord is righteous in all His ways, gracious in all His works. The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, to all who call upon Him in truth, He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him, He will also hear their cry and save them." 3/4/09 I need You.
2 Samuel 22:2-7
"The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; the God of my strength, in whom I will trust; my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge; my Savior, You save me from violence, I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies; when the waves of death surround me, the snares of death confronted me, in my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, and my cry entered His ears." 3/22/09 I don't know what's happening, but I trust You.
Joshua 3:5
"Sanctify yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you." 1/26/10
Romans 9:17
"For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I may show My power in you, and that My name may be declared in all the earth." 2/19/10 given to me by Deb Rains
Jeremiah 29:11,12
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me."
Habakkuk 1:5
"Be utterly astounded! For I will work a work in your days which you would not believe, though it were told to you." 5/25/10 Hope for the Hormonal Blog
Isaiah 32:16-19
"Then justice will dwell in the wilderness and righteousness remain in the fruitful field. The work of righteousness will be peace, the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever. My people will dwell in a peaceful habitation, in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places, though hail comes down on the forest, and the city is brought low in humiliation." 5/10/09
Isaiah 41:9,10
"You are my servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away. Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 3/18/09 chosen for what??? Please be with me, Father.
Isaiah 40:28-31
"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary, His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 43:2,3
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned. Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." 3/15/09 He is preparing me for the future. 5/18/10
Isaiah 43:18,19
"Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." 3/09 4/09 the future holds new things
Psalm 25:20,21
"Keep my soul and deliver me; Let me not be ashamed, for I put my trust in You. Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for You." 3/18/09 I do put my trust in You. I will wait for You.
Psalm 27:7-10
"Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice! Have mercy upon me, and answer me. When you said, seek my face, my heart said to You, 'Your face, Lord, will I seek'. Do not turn Your servant away in anger, You have been my help; do not leave me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me."
From My Utmost for His Highest:
"Has God trusted you with His silence...a silence that has great meaning? Can God trust you with it or are you still asking Him for a visible answer? God will give you the very blessing you ask if you refuse to go any further without the, but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into an even more wonderul understanding of Himself. Allow Him to give you the first sign of His intimacy....silence."
"Are you alone at your 'Jordan River'? The Jordan River represents the type of separation where you have no fellowship with anyone else. You have been to the Jordan over and over with your Elijah, but now you are facing it alone. There is no use in saying that you cannot go, the experience is here, and you must go. If you truly want to know wheher or not God is the God your faith believes Him to be, then go through your 'Jordan' alone."
"At your 'Bethel', you will find yourself at your wits' end but at the beginning of God's wisdom. When you come to your wits' end and you feel inclined to panic-don't! Stand true to God and He will bring out His truth in a way that will make your life an expression of worship."
"Are you prepared to let God take you into total oneness with Himself, paying no more attention to what you call the great things of life? Once you totally surrender, you will no longer think about what God is going to do. Abandonment to Him means to refuse yourself the luxury of asking questions. If you totally surrender yourself to God, He says, "I will give your life to you as a prize". 5/10 Father, I want to live in such surrender to You that everyday becomes a "prize"...that I may live in Your delight, that my joy be restored-not because others' faith in me is restored, but because of who I am in You and You alone!
From "Finding Favor with the King"
"Will you dangle your toes over the edge of God's promises and leap out into the unknown, casting your fate upon the faithfulness of God?"
"Just remember that the more important your future, the greater your opponent! Do you suddenly feel as if you are facing giant enemies? Hold on! Your destiny is about to be revealed. If it had not been for an enemy called 'Goliath', David would always have been just a shepherd."
"When destiny pushes you to the edge of desperation and the limits of your abilities, cast your future into the hands of God and take a leap of faith!"
Chapter 31: the story ends, but the healing continues
I mentioned earlier that I'm not "all better" and truth is, I probably never will be. But you know what? That's ok. This woman that once controlled her circumstances and in a 'humble' way :) thought she was invincible, is indeed changed. I will never be the same. You have heard me refer frequently to this as a battle. If you have experienced emotional struggles or if you are in the midst of it, you relate to that word. You can certainly come out a victor, but it doesn't mean you won't have wounds....deep wounds, life-changing wounds. Those wounds usually leave evidence of the raging effects of what you experienced. Don't be ashamed of your scars. You will try to hide them and that's understandable, but at some point another will see your scars, and it will give her the courage to unveil her own wounds. Some may still be fresh.....opened.....even bleeding, but it won't cause you to look away in disgust. You will connect with her in a different way. You tell her of your own battle, as I have mine....the ugliness of it, the repeated times I was knocked down, sometimes not certain I would ever get up, the chaos of it all, the fear that gripped me and I knew I was done, only to feel someone lift my weak body and carry me. Wow, someone is actually carrying me! Don't they know they're getting 'blood' all over themselves? Don't they realize this battle may last for a while? Oh man, they're slowing down, they are weakening..."oh God, please don't let them lay me back down on this familiar battlefield, I don't think I can do it, I'm too weak, I'm tired." Wait a minute, they've stopped, but they're not laying me down. Really? They're gently putting me on someone else's back. I look up and I look around. I see familiar faces. Some that I haven't seen in years, but they heard I was in trouble and they came, they came to help. Some are helping carry me, others are clearing a path to make it easier, some are wiping my brow, others are placing pressure to my wounds as they bleed, while others are simply running next to me. I can hear them pray. I hear their words of encouragement. They are cheering....literally cheering me on. Why? I'm embarrassed and ashamed that so many are seeing me in such a pathetic state, but at the same time, I'm thankful. So thankful. As my gaze looks to the right and the left, I am amazed. But then I look straight ahead. I see Him. And I suddenly realize why they are all here. He has called them. He gathered them on my behalf. He is leading the way. He looks back at me and catches my eyes as they look around frantically. He patiently waits for my eyes to lock onto His. I can't explain what happened at that moment, except all the sudden it didn't matter that I was bleeding all over the place, that the pain was becoming unbearable, and that I was so very exposed. As long as I focused on His eyes, I felt a strange sense of hope and I knew, I just knew I would come out of this. I was going to make it. It wouldn't be pretty. A battle never is. And I wouldn't be the only one to have wounds from this battle. Others would suffer. When I see their scars, it would be a painful reminder of what I put them through, of what they went through on my behalf. But perhaps they too would be forever changed as a result of my battle. Maybe stronger, perhaps a little wiser, and hopefully grateful....grateful that they were chosen by Him to help carry out a plan to give one of His children a future and a hope.
There is no way I can thank all that have been involved in my struggles over the past 2 years, nor in my healing over the previous months. I see them differently. There's a bond between us that will never be broken. I look at Mark and I see a man that has strength beyond himself and yet the gentleness of Christ. Our relationship is built on a new sense of grace and understanding. We don't just enjoy each other, we fellowship with each other. He has chosen not to read this blog. Understandably so. It's too fresh and still too painful to relive. I adore this man. He is the real deal. I've never been more certain of anything.
My children. They have poured out more grace than I've deserved. They truly love me unconditionally. Luke and Logan are typical guys that don't necessarily feel the need to talk about their deepest emotions....go figure, huh? But, we do talk, a lot more. And they aren't afraid to talk about the real issues of life. And they don't hesitate to joke with me about my past and find opportune times to 'threaten a visit back to the nuthouse'. We love to laugh together. And then there's Sara. My sweet drama queen. Well, if this didn't provide her with a little drama, I'm not sure what would! She has been an incredible support to me, even in the toughest of times. She could have drowned in self-pity, but instead chose to stay afloat and refuse to give up on me. We have lived and loved and lost together. She knows her mother on a whole different level now. I'm not sure every 19 year old girl could handle that, but Sara has displayed nothing but gentleness and grace every step of the way. My children have experienced life in ways that parents don't wish upon their kiddos. My prayer is that one day they will look back upon this season of their lives and see that the Lord used this time to mold them and shape them into people that aren't afraid to face trials. I pray that they have a deep sense of compassion and understanding for the hurting that they may not have known otherwise. I pray they find their hearts softened within a hardened society.
Bless you, sweet friends of mine. You have touched this woman in unbelievable ways. For those of you that saw your friend lose her mind, I will never forget your kindness, your gentleness, and your never-ending grace. Thank you for your loyalty, for your devotion, for your prayers of power, and for your sacrifice. When I look into your faces, I see a perfect reflection of Christ. As I heal, you encourage me to 'remove the coat' of shame. You don't look at me and shake your head. You look at me and I know....I know that we share something, something so rare and so genuine. We shared a season of life together. You are a gift to me. Every stinkin' one of you! :)
My healing continues. I'm sure it will continue until the day I die. There are many that weren't even aware of my struggles during that time, but you have been used in mighty ways during my healing. You have helped me look into the mirror and see myself through the eyes of Christ. That's huge. You have met me for coffee at all hours just to tell me that you believe in me. There are still days that I struggle....badly. And on those days, I give myself a little more grace. I allow myself to hurt. I allow myself to feel shame. But then I choose to stand on both feet, to refocus my gaze, and to set my feet on solid ground...and walk.
Like the song says, "He knew I'd need a Savior". On October 31st, 2009, He gave me one. And so, "I will give with the life that I've been given...to touch a world that's broken....to be Your hands and feet..." I pray that this blog has touched the broken. I pray that hope may be restored through its words. I pray that you will allow my Lord to speak truth to you in your situation and that you will once and for all find victory. As one of my favorite authors, Tommy Tenney says, "You can never become who you are supposed to be without a victory, and there is no victory without a battle."
I have received numerous emails (it's listed on my profile) and facebook messages telling me how the Lord is using this blog in their lives or in the life of someone they've passed it on to. All I can say to that is, "Praise God"! I know there are so many women that suffer from hormonal issues, emotional issues, mental issues and as I have shared, I now have a very different perspective on these issues. I would encourage you to 'comment' on the blog because it gives other women hope and comfort to know that they are not alone. I have begun praying daily for those that write, either by email, facebook, or comment. I am committed to lifting you before my Lord and interceeding on your behalf. You are not alone. Did you hear me? You are not alone.
If the Lord lays something on my heart, I will add to the blog. In the meantime, I ask for your prayers that the Lord will annoint this blog for His glory and that He would lead hurting women to it. If you know of someone that is in pain or perhaps another that is struggling to find the strength to help another, please feel free to pass it on. I am going to utilize one more chapter for bible verses and/or quotes from which I have found hope and healing.
There is no way I can thank all that have been involved in my struggles over the past 2 years, nor in my healing over the previous months. I see them differently. There's a bond between us that will never be broken. I look at Mark and I see a man that has strength beyond himself and yet the gentleness of Christ. Our relationship is built on a new sense of grace and understanding. We don't just enjoy each other, we fellowship with each other. He has chosen not to read this blog. Understandably so. It's too fresh and still too painful to relive. I adore this man. He is the real deal. I've never been more certain of anything.
My children. They have poured out more grace than I've deserved. They truly love me unconditionally. Luke and Logan are typical guys that don't necessarily feel the need to talk about their deepest emotions....go figure, huh? But, we do talk, a lot more. And they aren't afraid to talk about the real issues of life. And they don't hesitate to joke with me about my past and find opportune times to 'threaten a visit back to the nuthouse'. We love to laugh together. And then there's Sara. My sweet drama queen. Well, if this didn't provide her with a little drama, I'm not sure what would! She has been an incredible support to me, even in the toughest of times. She could have drowned in self-pity, but instead chose to stay afloat and refuse to give up on me. We have lived and loved and lost together. She knows her mother on a whole different level now. I'm not sure every 19 year old girl could handle that, but Sara has displayed nothing but gentleness and grace every step of the way. My children have experienced life in ways that parents don't wish upon their kiddos. My prayer is that one day they will look back upon this season of their lives and see that the Lord used this time to mold them and shape them into people that aren't afraid to face trials. I pray that they have a deep sense of compassion and understanding for the hurting that they may not have known otherwise. I pray they find their hearts softened within a hardened society.
Bless you, sweet friends of mine. You have touched this woman in unbelievable ways. For those of you that saw your friend lose her mind, I will never forget your kindness, your gentleness, and your never-ending grace. Thank you for your loyalty, for your devotion, for your prayers of power, and for your sacrifice. When I look into your faces, I see a perfect reflection of Christ. As I heal, you encourage me to 'remove the coat' of shame. You don't look at me and shake your head. You look at me and I know....I know that we share something, something so rare and so genuine. We shared a season of life together. You are a gift to me. Every stinkin' one of you! :)
My healing continues. I'm sure it will continue until the day I die. There are many that weren't even aware of my struggles during that time, but you have been used in mighty ways during my healing. You have helped me look into the mirror and see myself through the eyes of Christ. That's huge. You have met me for coffee at all hours just to tell me that you believe in me. There are still days that I struggle....badly. And on those days, I give myself a little more grace. I allow myself to hurt. I allow myself to feel shame. But then I choose to stand on both feet, to refocus my gaze, and to set my feet on solid ground...and walk.
Like the song says, "He knew I'd need a Savior". On October 31st, 2009, He gave me one. And so, "I will give with the life that I've been given...to touch a world that's broken....to be Your hands and feet..." I pray that this blog has touched the broken. I pray that hope may be restored through its words. I pray that you will allow my Lord to speak truth to you in your situation and that you will once and for all find victory. As one of my favorite authors, Tommy Tenney says, "You can never become who you are supposed to be without a victory, and there is no victory without a battle."
I have received numerous emails (it's listed on my profile) and facebook messages telling me how the Lord is using this blog in their lives or in the life of someone they've passed it on to. All I can say to that is, "Praise God"! I know there are so many women that suffer from hormonal issues, emotional issues, mental issues and as I have shared, I now have a very different perspective on these issues. I would encourage you to 'comment' on the blog because it gives other women hope and comfort to know that they are not alone. I have begun praying daily for those that write, either by email, facebook, or comment. I am committed to lifting you before my Lord and interceeding on your behalf. You are not alone. Did you hear me? You are not alone.
If the Lord lays something on my heart, I will add to the blog. In the meantime, I ask for your prayers that the Lord will annoint this blog for His glory and that He would lead hurting women to it. If you know of someone that is in pain or perhaps another that is struggling to find the strength to help another, please feel free to pass it on. I am going to utilize one more chapter for bible verses and/or quotes from which I have found hope and healing.
Chapter 30: A word to my fellow 'crazy' sister
I don't say that word crazy out of disrespect, I call myself crazy because I don't want to tip toe around the issue.....I call it for what it is: I was in a nuthouse because I went crazy. So, please don't take offense to that word. If you are in the trenches of despair as you read this, hang on sister. Don't give up on yourself. If others have given up on you, I'm sorry for that, but don't get hung up on it. Don't allow that to feed what you are already feeling about yourself. If you are a believer of Christ, focus on Him alone. I know it's tough to pray for yourself right now, but force yourself to become immersed in the Word. If you are comfortable doing so, have others read scripture out loud to you. Grab onto the hope that He has for you. You may not feel it, but there is hope for you.
I understand the feeling of hitting rock bottom, of feeling desperate and thinking you can't go another day. Remember, I set out to kill myself 7 short months ago. It's still so fresh, when I hear the sound of sirens, I cringe. So yes, I get it, sweet lady. But part of why I'm writing this is to share what I wish I would've done differently, like be honest with the professionals....tell them I was suicidal. Uggghhh....but the stigma. Yes, I know. So if the words are stinging with truth as you read them or perhaps you can hardly read because the tears are clouding your vision, please call someone you trust and let them help you. You may be thinking 'but you only dealt with your deep depression for a few short weeks'. True...my deep depression, but I struggled for 2 years and just couldn't put my finger on what was happening in my life. I knew I wasn't the same. I knew I was acting differently. I recognized the fact that I was slowly drowning and I was growing tired of the fight. I was weary from flapping my arms to stay afloat or grabbing onto everyone around me to keep from going under again. Perhaps that's where you are at. You are tired. In fact, you are flat worn out. You long for the morning that you can wake up and not feel the dread of the day ahead. The joy that you used to experience is so far removed you can barely recall what it feels like to feel true joy. You look at your children and your heart breaks because you know that you truly are a good mom. They deserve memories that will fill their minds of a mother that laughed.....that enjoyed life to the fullest.....a mom that touched their lives in a way that made it better, richer. You look into the eyes of your husband and you see eyes that are tired. You wonder if he regrets the day he said, "in sickness and in health". No one expects this type of sickness. You know that your family deserves more, but you feel so helpless. You want to make it all go away and day after day, it remains. Some days are better than others. There are days when you can 'push' through, but it's usually for others. That's ok, they deserve the break. "God, I just want to be free....I long for freedom from the chains that bind me.....please release me...." As I write this, I can barely see the words as I type them for the tears that fill my eyes. I know there are those of you that are in the heat of the battle and my heart hurts for you so deeply. If I could hold you right now, I would. I cry with you, sister. Some of you I know....others I've never met. Some have emailed me and told me of your pain. Please know that you are not alone. You may feel that you have run off everyone that you trusted with your pain. One gal wrote, "they abandoned me in my time of greatest need". I understand that statement, but I also know the fear of being on the other side of that need. It's a terribly heavy load and not everyone will be able to stay with you. It may feel heartless and even cruel, but extend grace and trust that the Lord will give you exactly what you need. Perhaps He wants your gaze to be so fixed on His that He had to remove every distraction. I promise you, once your eyes lock onto His and He is all you can see....the load will begin to lighten. It's not easy. We are human beings. Ok, we are women, for cryin' out loud! We need others. Don't you think He gets that? But, He also sees this as an incredible opportunity to draw you so close....so very close to Himself that He's willing to let you hurt beyond what you can handle on your own. He is our Father that longs for us to lean on Him. Lean girl. Lean hard. He doesn't tire....He doesn't grow weary. He's there.....He's right there, I promise.
Perhaps as you read all of this, you cannot relate or do not wish to relate to it because you are not a believer in my Lord. Ok. I won't apologize for the spiritual content of this blog because He is my Savior. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that He saved my life on October 31, 2009. And there is no doubt in my mind that He allowed me to go through this trial for reasons I will probably never fully understand. That's ok. That's what living a life of faith is all about. He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. If you are not a believer, you may think, 'How could a loving God allow us to suffer like this?'. He doesn't promise a life free of pain and suffering....never has. He only promises to hold our hand while we go through it. It's up to us to take His hand. If you've never experienced His touch before, it is like nothing you will ever experience in this life. His touch is gentle. If you suddenly feel a breeze of indescribable peace come over you, it's my Lord bending down from heaven and placing His cheek next to yours. Feel it? It will take your breath away. Listen closely and you will hear Him whisper. What's He saying? What does the God of Gods have to say to me at my lowest? "Be still and know that I am God". "I know the thoughts I have toward you....to give you a future and a hope". I encourage you to let Him be your Savior. Maybe He is your Savior, but you just need to feel His touch. He's right there. He's placed the business of heaven on hold and He's bending down just to touch you. He's right there. I promise.
Whether you are experiencing hormonal issues that leave you with emotional ups and downs or periods of anxiety and/or depression that you are finding more and more difficult to deal with or if you are in the depths of depression, I want you to know that there is help for you....there is hope for you. Don't give up on seeking professional help, even if it means getting opinion after opinion. There are a lot of different diagnoses and a huge variety of medications. Don't allow the weariness of seeking to keep you from finding the right doctor....and the right medication(s). Seek professional counseling and don't be afraid to lay it all out there. There is a life to be lived, my friend.....let's live it to the fullest!
I understand the feeling of hitting rock bottom, of feeling desperate and thinking you can't go another day. Remember, I set out to kill myself 7 short months ago. It's still so fresh, when I hear the sound of sirens, I cringe. So yes, I get it, sweet lady. But part of why I'm writing this is to share what I wish I would've done differently, like be honest with the professionals....tell them I was suicidal. Uggghhh....but the stigma. Yes, I know. So if the words are stinging with truth as you read them or perhaps you can hardly read because the tears are clouding your vision, please call someone you trust and let them help you. You may be thinking 'but you only dealt with your deep depression for a few short weeks'. True...my deep depression, but I struggled for 2 years and just couldn't put my finger on what was happening in my life. I knew I wasn't the same. I knew I was acting differently. I recognized the fact that I was slowly drowning and I was growing tired of the fight. I was weary from flapping my arms to stay afloat or grabbing onto everyone around me to keep from going under again. Perhaps that's where you are at. You are tired. In fact, you are flat worn out. You long for the morning that you can wake up and not feel the dread of the day ahead. The joy that you used to experience is so far removed you can barely recall what it feels like to feel true joy. You look at your children and your heart breaks because you know that you truly are a good mom. They deserve memories that will fill their minds of a mother that laughed.....that enjoyed life to the fullest.....a mom that touched their lives in a way that made it better, richer. You look into the eyes of your husband and you see eyes that are tired. You wonder if he regrets the day he said, "in sickness and in health". No one expects this type of sickness. You know that your family deserves more, but you feel so helpless. You want to make it all go away and day after day, it remains. Some days are better than others. There are days when you can 'push' through, but it's usually for others. That's ok, they deserve the break. "God, I just want to be free....I long for freedom from the chains that bind me.....please release me...." As I write this, I can barely see the words as I type them for the tears that fill my eyes. I know there are those of you that are in the heat of the battle and my heart hurts for you so deeply. If I could hold you right now, I would. I cry with you, sister. Some of you I know....others I've never met. Some have emailed me and told me of your pain. Please know that you are not alone. You may feel that you have run off everyone that you trusted with your pain. One gal wrote, "they abandoned me in my time of greatest need". I understand that statement, but I also know the fear of being on the other side of that need. It's a terribly heavy load and not everyone will be able to stay with you. It may feel heartless and even cruel, but extend grace and trust that the Lord will give you exactly what you need. Perhaps He wants your gaze to be so fixed on His that He had to remove every distraction. I promise you, once your eyes lock onto His and He is all you can see....the load will begin to lighten. It's not easy. We are human beings. Ok, we are women, for cryin' out loud! We need others. Don't you think He gets that? But, He also sees this as an incredible opportunity to draw you so close....so very close to Himself that He's willing to let you hurt beyond what you can handle on your own. He is our Father that longs for us to lean on Him. Lean girl. Lean hard. He doesn't tire....He doesn't grow weary. He's there.....He's right there, I promise.
Perhaps as you read all of this, you cannot relate or do not wish to relate to it because you are not a believer in my Lord. Ok. I won't apologize for the spiritual content of this blog because He is my Savior. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that He saved my life on October 31, 2009. And there is no doubt in my mind that He allowed me to go through this trial for reasons I will probably never fully understand. That's ok. That's what living a life of faith is all about. He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. If you are not a believer, you may think, 'How could a loving God allow us to suffer like this?'. He doesn't promise a life free of pain and suffering....never has. He only promises to hold our hand while we go through it. It's up to us to take His hand. If you've never experienced His touch before, it is like nothing you will ever experience in this life. His touch is gentle. If you suddenly feel a breeze of indescribable peace come over you, it's my Lord bending down from heaven and placing His cheek next to yours. Feel it? It will take your breath away. Listen closely and you will hear Him whisper. What's He saying? What does the God of Gods have to say to me at my lowest? "Be still and know that I am God". "I know the thoughts I have toward you....to give you a future and a hope". I encourage you to let Him be your Savior. Maybe He is your Savior, but you just need to feel His touch. He's right there. He's placed the business of heaven on hold and He's bending down just to touch you. He's right there. I promise.
Whether you are experiencing hormonal issues that leave you with emotional ups and downs or periods of anxiety and/or depression that you are finding more and more difficult to deal with or if you are in the depths of depression, I want you to know that there is help for you....there is hope for you. Don't give up on seeking professional help, even if it means getting opinion after opinion. There are a lot of different diagnoses and a huge variety of medications. Don't allow the weariness of seeking to keep you from finding the right doctor....and the right medication(s). Seek professional counseling and don't be afraid to lay it all out there. There is a life to be lived, my friend.....let's live it to the fullest!
Chapter 29: A Word to the Supporters of the Hormonal
Can I just say a few words to those that are supporting us crazy hormonal beings? First of all, thank you. I know it's not easy. And if you aren't supporting someone now, I feel certain the opportunity will eventually present itself. I feel as though I can address this with you because I've experienced both sides very well. I prefer to be on the supporting side, rather than the supported....but I'm glad to know both perspectives. Supporting someone going through emotional issues can be extremely draining, not only to you, but to your family as well. One word.....communicate. Communicate with your friend or loved one frequently, even if you are afraid it will hurt her feelings. Tell her when you need a break, but let her know you'll be back. Be honest with her at all times. Communicate with your husband. Make sure they are blessing the time and effort you are spending with her. When I was supporting a friend, Mark said, "I know this is who you are and I want you to help her. I just ask that you keep me updated on how she is doing. Keep talking to me about it. Don't assume that this is your deal only. I want to support you supporting her." I know that not all husbands will be that encouraging, but communication is key. If you are comfortable doing so, talk to her husband or some of her adult family members. You want them to know that you are not there to interfere and you are not there to 'save the day', but that you are there. As I was going through the worst of my depression, Mark and my friends were in constant contact. It wasn't wierd or inappropriate, it was very helpful to both sides. They were all on the same page. You may have to set boundaries for yourself so that it doesn't interfere with others in your life that need you. Notice I said, set boundaries for yourself, not for her. She is an adult. Encourage and guide her to set boundaries for herself. Give her some control. Remember, she's already feeling as though she's lost so much of her 'self'.
Also, know that touch is very important to someone feeling depressed. Sometimes all they need is to be held. The human touch is a powerful thing. If you are a praying person, pray with her....and then pray with her again. She's not at a place to pray for herself. She's too weak. Gather others to pray for her. It may save her very life. Several of my girlfriends gathered in Denver to pray on my behalf. They were interceding and I wasn't even aware. In addition, don't be afraid to show 'tough love'. I think of KK who came to my house and 'encouraged' me to come out of my dark room and out of my bed. It made a world of difference for that moment.
You know, some just don't have the gift of mercy and compassion. That's ok. Don't beat yourself up over it, but don't allow the pressure of supporting in ways you are not comfortable with build...and then explode. Even though your friend needs you, it will do neither of you any good if her neediness ruins your friendship. Communicate. :) There is so much power in the spoken word of a friend when you are deeply hurting. Please remember she's already weak and probably disgusted with herself. She is hanging on to hope that others give her. She's listening to every word you are saying. She's clinging to them, trust me. I think about patients that I see in the hospital that are dying and they're feeling hopeless and so are their family members. The doctor comes in and they are straining to hear every single word. They long to hear any word that will bring them even the slightest hope. And if they hear it, they can't get their focus off of it. They will keep bringing it up again and again....clarifying over and over. My point? When we are at our weakest, we need others to give us words of power and encouragement. A friend of mine used to call it "talking her off a cliff". It wasn't that I had great words of wisdom....she just knew that I loved her enough to speak words that would encourage her, even if I had already said them many times before.
I say these next words with gentleness, so please hear my heart. If you have someone in your life that is suffering, please try not to get caught up in the psycho-analysis catch words, like "codependence" or "unhealthy relationship" or "emotionally dependent". I know there are those that are so overly dependent on others that they begin to 'enjoy' their illness because it gets them attention....that's not what I'm speaking of. But, for the woman that finds herself in the trenches and needs help, for crying out loud, help her! Love her! Support her! There will be times when you will feel wrung out. There will be times when you feel yourself being pulled into the trenches with her. There will be times when you can't 'talk her off the cliff' anymore. I get that. I've been there. But, I now have the other side's perspective. There are times when we just flat out need each other! Is it a"healthy" situation? Heck no, one of you is desperately ill, but please know that it is temporary. It doesn't mean the relationship itself is unhealthy! Onlookers may view it as "unhealthy", but sister, go with your gut on this one. Seek guidance from only your Lord. You don't have to be the answer....but you can be a great resource. You don't have to be the healer....but you can be a great intercessor. You don't have to be the hero....but you can be an amazing friend. The nature of Christ tells us to reach beyond ourselves and carry one another's burdens. There's a book I love called "Intercessory Prayer" by Dutch Sheets. He paints a vivid picture of carrying one another's burdens. He says, It's not 'helping' someone carry their burdens, it's literally 'staking' yourself to the burden, placing it on your back and carrying it for them. When you need a break, someone else steps in and does the same. That is truly being an extension of Christ. I think of the 3 weeks prior to that dreaded night of October 31st when my estrogen plummeted beyond control and my friends began tag-teaming each other to 'carry my burden'. They communicated with each other frequently, they planned, they prayed together, and they sacrificed. I found out later that they each had hourly alarms set on their phones to pray for me. When a friend of mine was struggling, several of us committed to fasting and praying everyday during lunch for several weeks. Why? Because that's what we are called to do for our sisters in Christ. If your friend or loved one is worth fighting for....then fight with the intent of winning! If you give up on her, it sends the message that she wasn't worth fighting for. And if the burden's too heavy (and I know it can be...and that's ok)...get others involved in helping you carry the load. You can't and shouldn't be doing it by yourself. You WILL get burned out and fed up. It will be good for her as well if you allow others to get involved....very involved. Know that it might cost you...a lot. Going beyond ourselves usually does. It can be exhausting, but if we do it and allow Christ to be our strength and if our loved ones can support us in supporting others, that's what its all about....carrying each other's burdens and pouring out the grace of Christ upon another. It's a very cool thing.
Let me ask you a question? If your long time friend and christian sister were dying of cancer, would you love and support her? Of course you would. But would you feel empowered to heal her of her disease? No, but you would feel a responsibility to intercede for her and to be there for her during her times of doubt, anger, and sadness. You would cry with her. You would hold her when she felt scared and alone. And when she's lying on her death bed, taking her last breaths, would you say, "I've had enough. This is too heavy for me to handle." and leave the room? No. You would hold her hand. You would cry for her. You would whisper to her, "I'm here. You are not alone." You wouldn't start beating on her chest and try to revive her. You would just be there. If you are tired and growing weary from carrying someone, please stay by her side. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Make boundaries for yourself if you need to, but be the arms of Christ....be the voice of her Lord....look at her through the eyes of Jesus and see her for what you know she can be...what you know she will be once again.
One more thing I want to say to you. I think you are amazing. You are my hero. I pray that grace will be poured out upon you if you ever find yourself in your own trenches. I pray that your sisters in Christ will line up, waiting their turn to carry your burden for you. You deserve nothing less.
Also, know that touch is very important to someone feeling depressed. Sometimes all they need is to be held. The human touch is a powerful thing. If you are a praying person, pray with her....and then pray with her again. She's not at a place to pray for herself. She's too weak. Gather others to pray for her. It may save her very life. Several of my girlfriends gathered in Denver to pray on my behalf. They were interceding and I wasn't even aware. In addition, don't be afraid to show 'tough love'. I think of KK who came to my house and 'encouraged' me to come out of my dark room and out of my bed. It made a world of difference for that moment.
You know, some just don't have the gift of mercy and compassion. That's ok. Don't beat yourself up over it, but don't allow the pressure of supporting in ways you are not comfortable with build...and then explode. Even though your friend needs you, it will do neither of you any good if her neediness ruins your friendship. Communicate. :) There is so much power in the spoken word of a friend when you are deeply hurting. Please remember she's already weak and probably disgusted with herself. She is hanging on to hope that others give her. She's listening to every word you are saying. She's clinging to them, trust me. I think about patients that I see in the hospital that are dying and they're feeling hopeless and so are their family members. The doctor comes in and they are straining to hear every single word. They long to hear any word that will bring them even the slightest hope. And if they hear it, they can't get their focus off of it. They will keep bringing it up again and again....clarifying over and over. My point? When we are at our weakest, we need others to give us words of power and encouragement. A friend of mine used to call it "talking her off a cliff". It wasn't that I had great words of wisdom....she just knew that I loved her enough to speak words that would encourage her, even if I had already said them many times before.
I say these next words with gentleness, so please hear my heart. If you have someone in your life that is suffering, please try not to get caught up in the psycho-analysis catch words, like "codependence" or "unhealthy relationship" or "emotionally dependent". I know there are those that are so overly dependent on others that they begin to 'enjoy' their illness because it gets them attention....that's not what I'm speaking of. But, for the woman that finds herself in the trenches and needs help, for crying out loud, help her! Love her! Support her! There will be times when you will feel wrung out. There will be times when you feel yourself being pulled into the trenches with her. There will be times when you can't 'talk her off the cliff' anymore. I get that. I've been there. But, I now have the other side's perspective. There are times when we just flat out need each other! Is it a"healthy" situation? Heck no, one of you is desperately ill, but please know that it is temporary. It doesn't mean the relationship itself is unhealthy! Onlookers may view it as "unhealthy", but sister, go with your gut on this one. Seek guidance from only your Lord. You don't have to be the answer....but you can be a great resource. You don't have to be the healer....but you can be a great intercessor. You don't have to be the hero....but you can be an amazing friend. The nature of Christ tells us to reach beyond ourselves and carry one another's burdens. There's a book I love called "Intercessory Prayer" by Dutch Sheets. He paints a vivid picture of carrying one another's burdens. He says, It's not 'helping' someone carry their burdens, it's literally 'staking' yourself to the burden, placing it on your back and carrying it for them. When you need a break, someone else steps in and does the same. That is truly being an extension of Christ. I think of the 3 weeks prior to that dreaded night of October 31st when my estrogen plummeted beyond control and my friends began tag-teaming each other to 'carry my burden'. They communicated with each other frequently, they planned, they prayed together, and they sacrificed. I found out later that they each had hourly alarms set on their phones to pray for me. When a friend of mine was struggling, several of us committed to fasting and praying everyday during lunch for several weeks. Why? Because that's what we are called to do for our sisters in Christ. If your friend or loved one is worth fighting for....then fight with the intent of winning! If you give up on her, it sends the message that she wasn't worth fighting for. And if the burden's too heavy (and I know it can be...and that's ok)...get others involved in helping you carry the load. You can't and shouldn't be doing it by yourself. You WILL get burned out and fed up. It will be good for her as well if you allow others to get involved....very involved. Know that it might cost you...a lot. Going beyond ourselves usually does. It can be exhausting, but if we do it and allow Christ to be our strength and if our loved ones can support us in supporting others, that's what its all about....carrying each other's burdens and pouring out the grace of Christ upon another. It's a very cool thing.
Let me ask you a question? If your long time friend and christian sister were dying of cancer, would you love and support her? Of course you would. But would you feel empowered to heal her of her disease? No, but you would feel a responsibility to intercede for her and to be there for her during her times of doubt, anger, and sadness. You would cry with her. You would hold her when she felt scared and alone. And when she's lying on her death bed, taking her last breaths, would you say, "I've had enough. This is too heavy for me to handle." and leave the room? No. You would hold her hand. You would cry for her. You would whisper to her, "I'm here. You are not alone." You wouldn't start beating on her chest and try to revive her. You would just be there. If you are tired and growing weary from carrying someone, please stay by her side. Take care of yourself. Take care of your family. Make boundaries for yourself if you need to, but be the arms of Christ....be the voice of her Lord....look at her through the eyes of Jesus and see her for what you know she can be...what you know she will be once again.
One more thing I want to say to you. I think you are amazing. You are my hero. I pray that grace will be poured out upon you if you ever find yourself in your own trenches. I pray that your sisters in Christ will line up, waiting their turn to carry your burden for you. You deserve nothing less.
Chapter 28
Journal entry, 4/24/10
Abraham simply remained true to God, even willing to sacrifice his son. He was steadfast, he was true. No big show about how faithful he was to God. He was true even if it was contrary to his own belief system, even if it made no sense from a human point of view...I mean really, kill his own son? He was quietly ready to do anything the Lord asked of him. And the Lord purified his faith. Oh Father God, that's what I want more than anything this world can offer me. I want my life to be purified, I want to know You on a whole different level, I want to be so tender to Your spirit that I don't miss anything or any word You have for me. Purify my faith, Father.
Journal entry, 4/25/10
It feels like You've called me to a season of isolation....isolation with You. I feel alone, but I know You are drawing me closer and closer to You. I know You gave me numerous wonderful friends, but for now, I am to be quiet...I am to seek Your face on a whole different level. And if You choose to lift me to higher places, praise God. I will wait for that day. If You choose to leave me in isolation, I will keep my eyes on You and I will only ask that You keep my spirit from breaking, keep my heart from breaking, and purify me....purify my faith. Make me into the woman You want me to be. Be God like never before in this woman's life. Be God.
Abraham simply remained true to God, even willing to sacrifice his son. He was steadfast, he was true. No big show about how faithful he was to God. He was true even if it was contrary to his own belief system, even if it made no sense from a human point of view...I mean really, kill his own son? He was quietly ready to do anything the Lord asked of him. And the Lord purified his faith. Oh Father God, that's what I want more than anything this world can offer me. I want my life to be purified, I want to know You on a whole different level, I want to be so tender to Your spirit that I don't miss anything or any word You have for me. Purify my faith, Father.
Journal entry, 4/25/10
It feels like You've called me to a season of isolation....isolation with You. I feel alone, but I know You are drawing me closer and closer to You. I know You gave me numerous wonderful friends, but for now, I am to be quiet...I am to seek Your face on a whole different level. And if You choose to lift me to higher places, praise God. I will wait for that day. If You choose to leave me in isolation, I will keep my eyes on You and I will only ask that You keep my spirit from breaking, keep my heart from breaking, and purify me....purify my faith. Make me into the woman You want me to be. Be God like never before in this woman's life. Be God.
"Friends often ask me, "Do you feel back to normal?" Hmmmm......that's a tough question to answer because to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I know what 'normal' feels like anymore. I've been to hell and back. Normal will never look the same.
We all have faced our own pain and difficulties in life. Some more intense than others. I've had my share of loss and pain in my life. My sweet friend, DC and I were discussing this issue. She had some great insight. She too has suffered loss and disappointment through the years. She said, "the journey of healing is so very different for those going through a traumatic loss that affects your self-esteem, your worth, your self-respect and the respect of others. It is so much more difficult to heal from a loss if there is shame involved." How true. I guess that's why those going through the pain of divorce say, "Death would have been easier to take." My eyes have been opened to the pain that the aftermath of depression can bring. Even if there are no attempts of suicide, there is the shame of being 'needy', of lying in a dark room all day while the rest of the world goes on living, knowing that you appear pathetic and helpless and not having the strength to change, and the pain of wondering if your children will be forever affected by their mother's illness. To say that it is a humbling experience is such an understatement. The illness of depression and/or anxiety can take a strong, confident woman that lives to be an encourager to those around her....and break her into a weak and scared individual that those around her don't even recognize anymore. It can crush the toughest spirit. It can cause a woman surrounded by love to feel completely alone. It can take a woman that attempts to live each moment by faith to feel abandoned by her Lord. It can turn your world upside down...and you're left with, 'what now'?
I'm going to be very transparent here. I'm not going to say that I'm 'all better' after several months of recovery. But I am healing. I don't wish what I've experienced on anyone. But the fact is, there are so many women that although my story may differ somewhat, suffers daily from hormonal issues, depression, anxiety, or other emotional and mental issues. And let's face it, there is a stigma that goes along with it. It's hard to understand, but I guess it's human nature. When we have physical hardship, people don't hesitate to run to our aid, but mental and emotional hardship scares people. Most are not quite sure what to do with it. Even some that have experienced it themselves seem to forget the pain of being misunderstood. But I would encourage you to extend grace to others. Allow them to be human. And then determine to allow this experience to change you.....for the better. Back to the transparency thing.....I would be lying if I said that I don't have times of anger. There were responses to my pain that I will never understand. I struggle with the disloyalty. So, yes. There continues to be moments of anger, of disappointment, of shame. But I choose not to focus on those feelings. I choose to focus on my healing. I choose to focus on those that need me to believe in myself. I choose to focus on my Lord. After all, His honor is at stake.
Friends tell me that I am different....a little more distant. I am more to myself than I've ever been. Don't get me wrong, I am still a 'girl's girl'. I love my friends. But this experience did in fact change me. I look at life differently. I look at love with more intimacy. I enjoy the peace that engulfs my mind and I am strangely satisfied with being still....being quiet. I embrace the gift of laughter.....oh, what a gift. I cherish the hugs and kisses of those who love me. The breeze (ok, the strong oklahoma wind:) even feels different to me. I am forever changed. I will live the life that I've been given.....
We all have faced our own pain and difficulties in life. Some more intense than others. I've had my share of loss and pain in my life. My sweet friend, DC and I were discussing this issue. She had some great insight. She too has suffered loss and disappointment through the years. She said, "the journey of healing is so very different for those going through a traumatic loss that affects your self-esteem, your worth, your self-respect and the respect of others. It is so much more difficult to heal from a loss if there is shame involved." How true. I guess that's why those going through the pain of divorce say, "Death would have been easier to take." My eyes have been opened to the pain that the aftermath of depression can bring. Even if there are no attempts of suicide, there is the shame of being 'needy', of lying in a dark room all day while the rest of the world goes on living, knowing that you appear pathetic and helpless and not having the strength to change, and the pain of wondering if your children will be forever affected by their mother's illness. To say that it is a humbling experience is such an understatement. The illness of depression and/or anxiety can take a strong, confident woman that lives to be an encourager to those around her....and break her into a weak and scared individual that those around her don't even recognize anymore. It can crush the toughest spirit. It can cause a woman surrounded by love to feel completely alone. It can take a woman that attempts to live each moment by faith to feel abandoned by her Lord. It can turn your world upside down...and you're left with, 'what now'?
I'm going to be very transparent here. I'm not going to say that I'm 'all better' after several months of recovery. But I am healing. I don't wish what I've experienced on anyone. But the fact is, there are so many women that although my story may differ somewhat, suffers daily from hormonal issues, depression, anxiety, or other emotional and mental issues. And let's face it, there is a stigma that goes along with it. It's hard to understand, but I guess it's human nature. When we have physical hardship, people don't hesitate to run to our aid, but mental and emotional hardship scares people. Most are not quite sure what to do with it. Even some that have experienced it themselves seem to forget the pain of being misunderstood. But I would encourage you to extend grace to others. Allow them to be human. And then determine to allow this experience to change you.....for the better. Back to the transparency thing.....I would be lying if I said that I don't have times of anger. There were responses to my pain that I will never understand. I struggle with the disloyalty. So, yes. There continues to be moments of anger, of disappointment, of shame. But I choose not to focus on those feelings. I choose to focus on my healing. I choose to focus on those that need me to believe in myself. I choose to focus on my Lord. After all, His honor is at stake.
Friends tell me that I am different....a little more distant. I am more to myself than I've ever been. Don't get me wrong, I am still a 'girl's girl'. I love my friends. But this experience did in fact change me. I look at life differently. I look at love with more intimacy. I enjoy the peace that engulfs my mind and I am strangely satisfied with being still....being quiet. I embrace the gift of laughter.....oh, what a gift. I cherish the hugs and kisses of those who love me. The breeze (ok, the strong oklahoma wind:) even feels different to me. I am forever changed. I will live the life that I've been given.....
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