Closure

There's a lot to be said for closure.  In our class at church, we are watching a series called, "Not a fan, but a follower".  There's a scene in it that touched me to the core.  A man was lying in a hospital bed, recovering from a heart attack, when another gentleman walked in and began to talk to him.  He was 'taunting' him with things from his past. As he was finishing, the patient looked up at the man and calmly said, "I need you to leave now".   What does that represent for you?  What is keeping you from 'moving on'?  What do you need to look square in the eye and say, 'I need you to leave now'?  I know what it was for me. It was the insecure woman that sank into the depths of despair.....it was the woman that disappointed others in her life....  it was the woman with a label on her forehead, reading different things at different times...sometimes reading Crazy....other times, Ashamed....or Misunderstood....and at times, Alone.... But, it was more than that for me.  It was also the need to make things right....to fix what I had broken....to win back the respect that I had given up....to claim back the dignity that was taken....   Now, don't get me wrong.  I haven't been wallowing around with this 'guy', but he seems to show up during times of weakness or times when I'm extra vulnerable.  He just walks in uninvited.  But not anymore.
I'm the kind of gal that needs to have closure in every sense of the word.  I don't like things left undone. I don't like leaving broken pieces or open wounds, loose ends untied.  Get the analogy?  I like closure.  I have spent the last 2 years attempting to find closure.....to make closure happen....to not rest until I am satisfied that closure has indeed occurred.  You have read my entries of persistent struggles to overcome the shame of yesterday and all that entails.  But about a week and a half ago, I said "I need you to leave now" and with the Lord's guidance, took a step of action.  The result?  I feel closure.  Does it look like I initially wanted and needed it to look?  No.  Behind that door, there are still broken pieces, there remains several loose ends, and wounds that are unhealed and open.  Several days ago, I released control.  I chose to close the door, trusting my Lord to do whatever He chooses with what is left on the other side.  Strangely enough, ya know what I feel?  I feel relief.  Relief that I don't have to fix the brokenness.  I can walk away... and it feels good.  Need to uninvite something or someone in your life? It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do. It is.