my buddy, Galen

If you have read my blog from the beginning, you may have looked at the comments that several have made.  Some are from people I know, most are made anonymously.  If you look at chapter 8's comments, there is a lengthy one from 'Galen'.  Galen spoke of how he related to my words of hopelessness, of how he felt familiar feelings in 2006.  He spoke of how he was so thankful he got the help he did because his life was full of joy.  That life ended last night.  Galen committed suicide.

Galen was a friend of many years.  We met in Colorado in 1986 when Mark and I moved there as a young married couple.  We went to church with Galen and his wife and instantly became good friends.  Galen was not just a friend, he was like a brother to me.  We talked, we laughed, we prayed.  He was a dear friend to Mark as well.  He was full of wisdom and loved his Lord more than anything in the world.
Galen and I had an unusual relationship for a man and a woman that wasn't married.  It wasn't weird, it was just very close.  There wasn't anything dangerous about it.  He was very much like a brother to me and we were remarkably alike......very much so...you see, when we love, it's deeper than most.  Investments made in others are never too costly.  We hunger and thirst for MORE in our relationships, especially with that of our Lord.  But,  unfortunately, we also hurt more deeply than most.  When we feel....it's to the core of our very being, whether it is joy, pain, discouragement, compassion, or even shame.  I was once told that I have the 'gift of mercy' by a counselor.  The title really meant nothing to me, but it rang very true when he began to tell me what it means.  He said, "when those that you love deeply are hurting, you not only hurt with them, you feel their pain." And he also told me that while that's ok, it can be dangerous because it can create in us a need to fix others' issues.  And at the same time, we can't expect others to feel our pain.  That's an unfair expectation.  I tell you this because Galen definitely had the gift of mercy.  As Mark and I went through years of infertility, Galen was by our side....feeling our pain and loving us through it. During a healing service at church, Galen annointed me with oil and prayed that I would conceive a child.  Tears rolled down his face as he prayed words with such compassion. A few weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant. Her name was Molly.  I have a sweet suspicion that a precious little girl with curly hair met Galen as he entered his haven of rest last week.  And I know that he knew exactly who she was the moment he laid eyes upon her.  What a blessing for this mother to envision that reunion.
I guess I'm not completely surprised that Galen and I also have shared this tragic path of life called depression.  Although our situations bringing us to a point of desperation were obviously very different, our sense of hope at that crucial time was not.

You know, throughout my blog I have spoken of my changed view on suicide and those that either contemplate it or succeed at it.  I know personally what the mind is capable of and the thoughts that randomly take over.  I distinctly remember the moment that I knew it was going to happen.  I vividly recall the instant that I said, "I have no other option".  And from that point on, it was methodical.  As I hear of Galen's last hours on this earth, I know that it became very methodical for him as well.

My heart breaks that he carried out his plan.  That his pain reached a point that his mind couldn't see any other option.  His family is hurting desperately, but I pray that they realize that he would never hurt them at any cost.  From the moment he made up his mind, it wasn't about them....it wasn't about his new grandbaby....it wasn't even about his Lord.   I pray that those that love him can forgive him.  He was a gentle man.  He was as tender and compassionate of a man that I've ever known.  His mind shut down.  No different than if his heart had given out, right?  Then why does it feel so different to those left behind? Because it feels like a choice....a choice to leave them with the pain.  It feels nothing short of selfish.  But please understand that at that moment, there is nothing of 'self' left in the decision.  To be honest with you, the mind is quite blank.  It is void of emotion, it is void of any sense of judgement.
I don't know exactly what took place in my friend's mind in the last hours of his life, but I do know his heart.  He had the heart of Christ.  

I will miss you Galen.  You have touched my life in so many ways.  I will see you again, friend. That I know for certain.  I pray that an unexplainable peace will find its way into the days ahead for Galen's sweet family, his precious wife, Jan, and his remarkable children.  I pray that they will remember him for his life and not his death, for his joy and not his pain.  He was a gentle, tender man of God that adored his family and friends.  I pray they never lose sight of that.

A precious little one

My days in the nuthouse were without a doubt some of the loneliest days of my entire life.   A lonely place for any adult....but a child?  A dear friend called me last night and asked me to pray for her best friend's little girl.  An 11 year-old precious girl, the daughter of a christian woman that's living out a nightmare that loving mothers don't deserve to have.  Most eleven year-olds are wondering when they'll 'get their period'.  They are spending Friday nights with their best girlfriends, watching movies, eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate.  They make prank phone calls to all the boys in their class.  They stay up all night telling scary stories and playing 'truth or dare'.  That's what eleven year-olds do, right?  This precious one is walking the halls of a psych unit, wondering why her mommy had to leave her alone.  She watches the others closely.  Why do some of the kids sleep so much?  Why doesn't anyone look happy?  She wonders what she did wrong to end up here.  She tried to be good.  She just wants to feel 'normal'.  She longs to have a still mind.  An eleven year-old girl should be thinking about which cute pair of boots to wear with her leggings, not if that pill they give her will make her head feel funny again or if she'll get to go home tomorrow....or will it be the next....or will she ever get to go home again?   So many unknowns.  Too many unknowns for a child.

But there is one certainty in this heartbreaking situation.  Our Lord Jesus Christ adores this little girl.  She's not alone in this place. She may roam the halls, but she's not walking the halls alone.  When she lays her  head down on the cheap squishy pillow, He's there....He's right there wiping her tears and whispering so softly in her ear....I'm here, baby. I'm right here. I'm not leaving you. I know this place is scary, but you are not alone. Don't cry.  I'm here.  And in that instant, her mind is at peace.  And she sleeps.

Please help me pray for my little friend.  Pray that they will quickly discover the reason for the struggle in her mind.  Pray for her family as they have to let go of their precious girl.  They spend one hour a day looking into her eyes as she tries to make sense of the nonsense.  They have to trust like they've never had to trust before....not ever.  I mean, this is their precious child.  They would trade places with her in a second, if only they could.  But they can't.  So they hold on desperately to what they believe in.  And they wait.

Enough already.... or is it?

The past few days have been extra trying for me.  I can't put my finger on the reason behind it, but I have lived and relived the past year and the struggles that my spirit has faced.....and to be quite honest, I'm frustrated that there is shame and regret that still haunts me.  No one around me knows that I feel it.  I'm certain that it doesn't show on my face.  And I don't allow it to consume me or define who I am.  But, it's there. It's always there.  It's a consequence.  I get that, I really do. But, I want to accept the consequences and move on. Don't read any self-pity into this, because it's not there I assure you. I want to continue to grow through this....even the 'set backs' that I feel on occasion.  I share them with you in hopes that if you relate to this journey that you will be encouraged that you don't walk alone. But.........let's not belabor our time on this path either, ok?  Let's get the heck outta here....and move on. :)

I have been reflecting on just how different my relationships with others are now.  I reflect on just how different I am.  I'm a little confused by it.  Some of the things I had such a passion for seem to now skim the surface.  At times I feel a little guilty about the 'passionlessness' I feel.  Don't get me wrong.  I am very passionate about my God......my family.......and even about my teaching.  But things like being involved in church groups and even in people's lives just leave me a little numb.  The once social butterfly seldom gets in touch with others.  I don't share my innermost thoughts with anyone except Mark and I would rather spend every spare moment with Mark and the kids than over a cup of java with a buddy.   Don't get me wrong...I'm glad for that change in me.  I needed to spend more time with my family. The once 'hostess with the mostess' hasn't had dinner guests in over a year.  Not sure how to sum that up.  Sometimes I worry about that new side of me.  I don't want to become a recluse.  I want to have the freedom and the motivation to pour myself into others.


  Perhaps you are struggling today with the new and not so improved you.  I would encourage you to allow yourself the freedom and grace to struggle, just don't get stuck there.  My God is not done with us yet, my friend.  That's exciting to me.  My God has given me a joyful heart.  I want Him to use that heart to touch others...to love others....and to truly make a difference for the Kingdom of Heaven. Ya with me?