my buddy, Galen

If you have read my blog from the beginning, you may have looked at the comments that several have made.  Some are from people I know, most are made anonymously.  If you look at chapter 8's comments, there is a lengthy one from 'Galen'.  Galen spoke of how he related to my words of hopelessness, of how he felt familiar feelings in 2006.  He spoke of how he was so thankful he got the help he did because his life was full of joy.  That life ended last night.  Galen committed suicide.

Galen was a friend of many years.  We met in Colorado in 1986 when Mark and I moved there as a young married couple.  We went to church with Galen and his wife and instantly became good friends.  Galen was not just a friend, he was like a brother to me.  We talked, we laughed, we prayed.  He was a dear friend to Mark as well.  He was full of wisdom and loved his Lord more than anything in the world.
Galen and I had an unusual relationship for a man and a woman that wasn't married.  It wasn't weird, it was just very close.  There wasn't anything dangerous about it.  He was very much like a brother to me and we were remarkably alike......very much so...you see, when we love, it's deeper than most.  Investments made in others are never too costly.  We hunger and thirst for MORE in our relationships, especially with that of our Lord.  But,  unfortunately, we also hurt more deeply than most.  When we feel....it's to the core of our very being, whether it is joy, pain, discouragement, compassion, or even shame.  I was once told that I have the 'gift of mercy' by a counselor.  The title really meant nothing to me, but it rang very true when he began to tell me what it means.  He said, "when those that you love deeply are hurting, you not only hurt with them, you feel their pain." And he also told me that while that's ok, it can be dangerous because it can create in us a need to fix others' issues.  And at the same time, we can't expect others to feel our pain.  That's an unfair expectation.  I tell you this because Galen definitely had the gift of mercy.  As Mark and I went through years of infertility, Galen was by our side....feeling our pain and loving us through it. During a healing service at church, Galen annointed me with oil and prayed that I would conceive a child.  Tears rolled down his face as he prayed words with such compassion. A few weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant. Her name was Molly.  I have a sweet suspicion that a precious little girl with curly hair met Galen as he entered his haven of rest last week.  And I know that he knew exactly who she was the moment he laid eyes upon her.  What a blessing for this mother to envision that reunion.
I guess I'm not completely surprised that Galen and I also have shared this tragic path of life called depression.  Although our situations bringing us to a point of desperation were obviously very different, our sense of hope at that crucial time was not.

You know, throughout my blog I have spoken of my changed view on suicide and those that either contemplate it or succeed at it.  I know personally what the mind is capable of and the thoughts that randomly take over.  I distinctly remember the moment that I knew it was going to happen.  I vividly recall the instant that I said, "I have no other option".  And from that point on, it was methodical.  As I hear of Galen's last hours on this earth, I know that it became very methodical for him as well.

My heart breaks that he carried out his plan.  That his pain reached a point that his mind couldn't see any other option.  His family is hurting desperately, but I pray that they realize that he would never hurt them at any cost.  From the moment he made up his mind, it wasn't about them....it wasn't about his new grandbaby....it wasn't even about his Lord.   I pray that those that love him can forgive him.  He was a gentle man.  He was as tender and compassionate of a man that I've ever known.  His mind shut down.  No different than if his heart had given out, right?  Then why does it feel so different to those left behind? Because it feels like a choice....a choice to leave them with the pain.  It feels nothing short of selfish.  But please understand that at that moment, there is nothing of 'self' left in the decision.  To be honest with you, the mind is quite blank.  It is void of emotion, it is void of any sense of judgement.
I don't know exactly what took place in my friend's mind in the last hours of his life, but I do know his heart.  He had the heart of Christ.  

I will miss you Galen.  You have touched my life in so many ways.  I will see you again, friend. That I know for certain.  I pray that an unexplainable peace will find its way into the days ahead for Galen's sweet family, his precious wife, Jan, and his remarkable children.  I pray that they will remember him for his life and not his death, for his joy and not his pain.  He was a gentle, tender man of God that adored his family and friends.  I pray they never lose sight of that.