Dear T....

My precious friend,
        The past few days have been somewhat confusing to you I know.  You have sat in a hospital bed while they ran test after test on you.  Your family and friends sat at your side every hour on the hour, talking to you, watching you sleep, wondering what was happening in your precious mind.  Others were outside your room, some crying, others laughing as they spoke of you and those crazy things you always do that make us smile.  Today as you rested in that hospital bed they spoke of what tomorrow would hold, of where they would take you.  You are in that place right now as I write.  You are in a psych ward.  Yep, T, the 'nuthouse' as I've called it throughout my blog.

      I wonder if you're alone.  I wonder if you're crying, if you're scared.  Perhaps your mind is so very absent... that it is void of fear.... that it doesn't hold on to the realization of what's taking place. That would actually be a blessing in the unfamiliar surroundings that are yours for the moment. Oh my friend,   I want you to know that you will get through this.  I want you to see the hope in my eyes.  You don't have to be the strong one right now, T....let us place you on our back and carry you through this nightmare that you are experiencing.  I promise that it will end.  You will get through it and you will be a changed woman from it.  But for now....for the moment, I pray that the same Savior that held my hand as I sat in a room with nothing but my thoughts....I pray that our Lord will hold you tightly tonight as you attempt to sleep in an unfamiliar room with unfamiliar noises.  And I pray that my precious Father will cradle you in the morning as you awaken to find that you are not dreaming, you are in a place that you would never in a million years dream you'd be.  I pray that He will quieten your restless spirit, that He will calm your anxious thoughts as you try to make sense of what's taken place the past several days.  I pray at this moment and I will not cease praying for you, sweet friend.  You will get through this....but for now,  allow them to help you get better.  Know that your precious family will be ok.  They adore you.  You are loved my friend.   Know that you are not alone and that many are waiting for you at the finish line.  If it's ok though, I'd rather run beside you.

       We have shared so much over the 35 years that we've loved each other, but I gotta tell ya, T, this is one common ground I wish we didn't share.  But that's ok, because we also share a Savior that adores us.  I lay you in His arms for this moment....and then for the next.

You are His.   As your friend, that's all I need to know.
I love you, T.

My heart is breaking...

A sweet dear friend called me the night before last and said, "Kim, I understand what you went through last year."  As we continued to talk, I knew something wasn't quite right.  Wait a minute....this is TS, she's as solid as they come.  She's everyone's rock.  I've known her since high school.  We've shared more laughter than what should be allowed in life.  She walked with me through my healing this past year.....she didn't just walk with me, she held my hand, she placed her arm around my shoulders, and she looked me in the eyes and said, 'you can do this, Kim'.  We've spent many hours together the past several months celebrating our 50th....over and over again!  We ventured to Mexico together.  We have talked for hours on end, just like we did when we were crazy high school girls.  She's my buddy.  Two days later, it appears that my buddy has lost her mind.  Sweet Jesus....I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, much less my sweet T.  She knows that she's not right.  But her conversation goes from here to there...from high to low....from this point to that one.  And she knows.  She knows she's not right.

I watch her husband as he cries.  I remember the puffy, red eyes that Mark wore for days as he watched his wife slip away.  He has to wonder what the days ahead hold.  Will he get his wife back?

I'm full of frustration.  Last night at the hospital, I listened to doctors discount 'hormonal issues' that women suffer with.  And although her estrogen levels came back extremely low, they refuse to simply place a patch on her.  They refuse to believe that indeed hormones may play that much havoc on a woman's brain.  The arrogance of that decision is nothing short of pitiful.  How dare they?  I try to imagine what my last year would have held if they did not respond to the hormonal imbalance that was happening to my confused brain.  Would I be dead?  Would I be frantically trying psychotic med after psychotic med in an attempt to find some relief?  Would I be shuffled from nuthouse to nuthouse due to concerns of my family?

My friend's situation may or may not be hormonal.  I'm not certain that it is.  But, I'm not willing to sit by and watch her suffer without ever knowing if a simple patch of estrogen would have made the difference.  I will fight for her.  I don't know what that looks like right now because I want to respect her husband and her sweet family.  So I wait and I pray.  I seek guidance from my Savior.  The same Savior that bent down from heaven and scooped me up in His arms one year ago.  That Savior adores my sweet T.  He will take care of her.  So I listen...closely.