Sunday, our pastor spoke of Rahab.......a woman with a past.....with a label. OK, to say that I related would be an understatement. She was a prostitute of the lowest kind. So don't get me wrong, that's not the part I relate to :) But no matter how much I heal, I know that when some look at me, they see a crazy woman, or maybe the word insecure comes to their mind, or perhaps weak and needy ... a woman that cannot be trusted. As much as that hurts, I kinda get it. I mean, for cryin' out loud, I went crazy. I lost my mind. I set out to harm myself in a big way. I think of Rahab and I'm certain she so wanted the label 'harlot' to go away after she gave up the lifestyle. The pain her heart must have felt when men were pulled away from her presence by their wives because she couldn't be trusted. Word had gotten out that this harlot had changed her ways.....so why? Why did others feel the need to protect their loved ones from her? She was different. She was transformed. God had chosen to save her very life.....why can't she live that life without having to be constantly reminded of her past? Of her failures? Of her shortcomings? Why couldn't everyone rejoice in her victory? Did it anger her? Did it make her want to yell out, "but I'm different now!" "I'm forgiven!" "I'm healed!". Ya know how I think she probably responded? I see her force an embarrassed grin and although it hurts deeply, she can't help but understand their response to her. They saw her first hand, they heard about the acts that she performed with numerous men. They were disgusted. Even though it hurt, in the depth of her spirit, she understood. I can see tears filling her eyes and she turns so that others won't see her pain. Truth is, I don't know how she responded, but all I know is that IN SPITE of her label that followed her, the Lord still chose to use her. God believed in her, in a big way. He didn't let her tainted reputation keep Him from choosing her to be Jesus' great great (many times) grandmother. It wasn't by accident. He chose her! It all started at Jericho where He hand picked her to, well, just help bring the entire city down. That was just the beginning of an unbelievable story of the life of a woman that went from one of little dignity and respect to one that any woman of Christ would cherish to call their own. Many years after her death, she was known in the new testament as one of the greatest women of faith! But she was also still know as a prostitute. That speaks to me.
I don't want my insecurities of the past to define who I am. I don't want my unusual, crazy behavior to place a label on my forehead ("Nut"....well, that's been there as long as I can remember). But the fact is, that was a very real part of my life. There are many days when all I can see are the labels that scream who I once was and quite frankly, who I still am in some eyes. I think about Rahab and imagine her wishing her past away. I envision her kissing her new husband, Salmon and replaying the vivid memories of moments spent with lustful men, using her in ways beyond my imagination. "If only"....I'm certain went through her mind more than once. But the Lord knew her path would take a different turn. He knew her heart. He knew she was a woman that was very 'pliable' in her weakened state. He was willing to take a chance on a woman that wasn't looked up to. In fact, He saw the look of disrespect they gave her. He heard the whispers of others, speaking of her failures. Yet, He chose her. He trusted her with the outcome. Because she was deserving? Uh...no. But, she was willing.
I'm not gonna lie. Most days I cherish the thought of losing the labels that I've 'earned'. But ya know what? My Lord doesn't recognize those labels, cause He's given me His own labels.....'My Child"...."Redeemed".... "Forgiven" are just a few. The other labels pale in comparison, don't you think? And my past? Yep, I've got one. But even better....I've got a future. Yes indeedy, I've got a future.
