Enough already.... or is it?

The past few days have been extra trying for me.  I can't put my finger on the reason behind it, but I have lived and relived the past year and the struggles that my spirit has faced.....and to be quite honest, I'm frustrated that there is shame and regret that still haunts me.  No one around me knows that I feel it.  I'm certain that it doesn't show on my face.  And I don't allow it to consume me or define who I am.  But, it's there. It's always there.  It's a consequence.  I get that, I really do. But, I want to accept the consequences and move on. Don't read any self-pity into this, because it's not there I assure you. I want to continue to grow through this....even the 'set backs' that I feel on occasion.  I share them with you in hopes that if you relate to this journey that you will be encouraged that you don't walk alone. But.........let's not belabor our time on this path either, ok?  Let's get the heck outta here....and move on. :)

I have been reflecting on just how different my relationships with others are now.  I reflect on just how different I am.  I'm a little confused by it.  Some of the things I had such a passion for seem to now skim the surface.  At times I feel a little guilty about the 'passionlessness' I feel.  Don't get me wrong.  I am very passionate about my God......my family.......and even about my teaching.  But things like being involved in church groups and even in people's lives just leave me a little numb.  The once social butterfly seldom gets in touch with others.  I don't share my innermost thoughts with anyone except Mark and I would rather spend every spare moment with Mark and the kids than over a cup of java with a buddy.   Don't get me wrong...I'm glad for that change in me.  I needed to spend more time with my family. The once 'hostess with the mostess' hasn't had dinner guests in over a year.  Not sure how to sum that up.  Sometimes I worry about that new side of me.  I don't want to become a recluse.  I want to have the freedom and the motivation to pour myself into others.


  Perhaps you are struggling today with the new and not so improved you.  I would encourage you to allow yourself the freedom and grace to struggle, just don't get stuck there.  My God is not done with us yet, my friend.  That's exciting to me.  My God has given me a joyful heart.  I want Him to use that heart to touch others...to love others....and to truly make a difference for the Kingdom of Heaven. Ya with me?